Venting wasted youth + relationships

[nosurpries]

i get so angry when i see other people my age doing all the things i will never be able to. i spent my 16th birthday in the depths of covid quarantine, and then my 17th completely friendless by myself. i am wasting my fucking youth, i feel it slipping right through my fingers everyday, it depresses me.

this effects me a lot, maybe because i'm female so i've been conditioned to equate my youthfulness to my attractiveness. or maybe it's just true. i'm 18, this is my physical peak, right? i'm not like model beautiful or anything but i am conventially attractive. i was a waitress and men would talk to me and flirt with me every time i worked, so i know that i'm not ugly, i've always been told by people in my life that i'm pretty. so what is the point in living long enough to see myself wrinkle and gain weight, see myself lose the little value that i actually have. this is a major factor in my reasons for cbt, i want to die skinny and pretty and youthful still. ex: better to burn out than fade away.

i'm delusional, i've romanticized my own death over and over and over again since i was like 12. i want to die still young and pretty and stay golden in my peers memories forever. i don't want to finally cbt late at 30 something years old when i'm gross or something. i really do wish that i had other options, i wish i could grow old and be happy, i wish i had a partner i could have a life with, or a family.

i feel so angry, i feel like i'll never be able to live a fullfilling life. i am incompatible with happiness at the most rudimentary level, i'm anti social and unable to communicate with other, a fucking freak. because in truth, i don't want to die. i want to live without chronic pain, i want to travel, i want to love and feel loved, i want to experience all of the humanistic pleasures in life. i'm a fucking virgin, its depressing. i feel like i've barely lived, never internationally traveled, never even been to an actual party with alcohol, i've only ever been drunk twice, never done any drugs.

i romanticize all of this in my head and try to convince myself it's some kind of virtue, but it's really just crippling loneliness.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life is extremely unfair and disappointing and it is sad how so many people spend their lives wishing for what they cannot have. I'm sorry that it has come to this point for you. I know that loneliness can be painful for many. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering.

 

[toseeyousmile]

I can relate to how you feel. Everytime I go outside and see people around my age (early 20s) living an average life, being trifled with problems in relationships, career, etc. it makes me feel like I'm an outsider. Having been consumed by depression and a lot of time being wasted in my life It's pretty much over for me. In terms of your worries about aging/being ugly and stuff I'm not sure I relate to those worries, but it's not like I've never been insecure of my looks. First of all being a virgin at 18 and getting drunk aren't really "good" things but they are par on course of the idea of an average western youth, but realistically those standards, the standards of getting wasted on the weekends and constantly fucking are pretty shallow and in like your late 20s aren't they looked down on? So idk I'm out of touch so I don't really get the appeal but as for ugliness, you're probably fine, a lot of guys are too depressed to be approaching girls I think, idk I'm out of touch, I got a few good friends since I've distanced some of them because I want my death to not affect the people I care about too deeply but as far as I know, and from my experience, you're probably not the anti-social freak or socially inept freak you see yourself as, a lot of people would share the same worries as you.

 

[protocorpse]

My teenage years were so hard, I can't imagine having to go through that same shit while isolated during a global collapse. I worked with a lot of recent highschool grads last year and it is so heartbreaking hearing how much the entire world has failed you all.

 

[HappyForever?]

I wasted my years in a similar way. In middle school and high school I had severe social anxiety and was all alone with no friends or partner. Now I'm trying hard to break free from this, with some success. At least I have friends now. However, romantic relationships are still nowhere in sight, and I suspect that it takes something that cannot be gained to get into a romantic relationship.

 

[Area Man]

this effects me a lot, maybe because i'm female so i've been conditioned to equate my youthfulness to my attractiveness. or maybe it's just true. i'm 18, this is my physical peak, right?

Wut? 18 is not your physical peak, you can be beautiful into your 30s or 40s if your a woman depending if you look after yourself. You can have some good years ahead of you espacially if you are 'conventially attractive' as you say. Don't do anything rash over that at this stage.

 

[eternalflame]

i don't think being a virgin is bad, as female you can end it pretty easily, not sure if it's worth it. Also some people get raped on parties so i don't think it's so bad for you.
What chronic pain are you refering to, do you have some disease or is it depression?
I think you are still young and you can still turn your life around, so keep on living. You don't want to end with some brain injury just because you feel bad now, right?

 

[Snatsbats]

Wait untill you are 23 and still never had a relationship no matter if you try hard as fuck. Being above average looking but women all seem te be attracted to the same highly attractive guys. Its just a sad world.

 

[nosurpries]

i don't think being a virgin is bad, as female you can end it pretty easily,

its not quite as easy as men would think.

What chronic pain are you refering to, do you have some disease or is it depression?

i have a chronic illness that runs in my family that will only get worse as i get older and i really want to just escape the inevitable pain of my future.

I wasted my years in a similar way. In middle school and high school I had severe social anxiety and was all alone with no friends or partner. Now I'm trying hard to break free from this, with some success. At least I have friends now. However, romantic relationships are still nowhere in sight, and I suspect that it takes something that cannot be gained to get into a romantic relationship.

im a terrible partner. i have bipolar and as much as i would like to have one, it's unethical to subject someone to being with me really, even if they think they want me they don't understand i will only cause them pain in the future.

 

[eternalflame]

Then i'm not stopping you. Wishing you the best of luck.

 

[tryingtoescape]

I feel like my youth has been wasted.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I feel the same I'm 29 I lost 10 years of social experiences

 

[whatevs]

Wait untill you are 23 and still never had a relationship no matter if you try hard as fuck. Being above average looking but women all seem te be attracted to the same highly attractive guys. Its just a sad world.

23 is nothing, that's still inside the hopeful period.

 

[BEATNGU]

It never really goes the way we want sadly. I missed most of my twenties due to head trauma sustained over a decade before. I lost every memory from nineteen to twenty-eight and it still feels unreal a year later. Talking to people near their thirties feels odd, to say the least. There is nothing I can do though and to anyone else that has wasted/lost/squandered their youth I say to you that all you can do is move forward.