So Hi and thanks for having me!
I am from Poland and I have "high functioning" Autism (Asperger's) and very severe ADHD. In theory I'm gender fluid but I'm used to being female (I hate my body regardless of its gender elements) to just call me a she or they. I'm your typical ADHD havoc-wreaking uncontrollable child. I'm an adult now but I'm still pure chaos. I do chaos using my mouth rather than my body cuz I'm not fit at all. I don't ever shut up unless I'm exhausted. My attention span AT MAXIMUM is 30 minutes not a second later. Most of the time it's lower so without meds I'm just a mental vegetable. They don't work on being super hyper but if I drain all my energy I stop being hyper. So what's the problem? I just gotta take my meds thankfully in Poland medicines have normal prices.
In Poland typical basic education lasts 11-13 years and you're done at the age of 18-20. Most standard path is 12 years and that's what I did. I'm in my twenties now. I got diagnosed with ADHD last year and been given meds this year. AFTER I kinda ruined my life. If I wasn't autistic just ADHD I'd knew how to fix this mess.
I was diagnosed with autism at like 6th grade. My parents (they are another topic) would always drag me to the shrinks. Here in Poland you can choose between "free" healthcare and private healthcare. If you pay taxes you can go to any public doctor but their knowledge often sucks. But my parents are poor so they dragged me there hoping it'd be okay. Well it took them quite a few years to diagnose obvious autism in me. They never saw ADHD even when it was painfully obvious. Like once they gave me a test with 300 hundred questions and I just couldn't focus and I did it wrong. But instead of wondering why I can't focus on a test they blamed me for not trying hard enough.
So at school I was lightly bullied (sometimes hard bullied) and hated deeply. I would always do something wrong like say 1 wrong sentence and people would be mad at me. So because of that I endured a lot of (mostly) mental violence because apparently I was unbearable. People were always accusing me of being malicious of annoying everybody on purpose. When I got diagnosed with autism it kinda got better because people just assumed I'm an idiot and there is no point in being mad at me. They kept calling me an idiot though.
I got forced into autism therapy which was just more mental abuse and it didn't help my autism at all. What shrinks don't realize is that iif you abuse your autistic child that child learns that abuse is a normal way of interacting. So you have to treat them nice to teach them proper social communication. So I would get shouted at and I'd think that when somebody annoys me I must shout. So then they'd give me medicine to calm me down because I was emotional and apparently dangerous. No one asked me why I was "violent". Well any attemps at setting boundaries were considered violence...
I was never like the other autistic children I met at the therapy. They were all very introverted. You had to force them to interact with you. I on the other hand always enjoyed interacting with people. It never worked out though. So I'd try to interact with everybody and they'd always get mad at me. Other autistic people were silent and I couldn't stop yapping. I have little control over how much I talk.
I always struggled with studying but I never knew it. Id study for half an hour and it was enough for the entire primary school. I didn't realize most people actually study a lot to get good grades. I started having problems with learning. I'd cry while learning geography cuz I hated it so much. But I still had decent grades (not the best but way above average) so I didn't know I had a problem. That it wasn't normal that I'd cry because of learning a boring subject.
I wanted to be a scientist. I always considered myself to be smart to be a good student and I wanted to be a STEM scientist.
So I went to the high school. My problems were obvious but I had majors I liked so it was fine. I was obviously not fine but no one cared. I once tried to check if I had ADHD so I made an appointment. They told me I got into a good high school so I'm fine. Who cares I'm super hyper and can't focus for a second I somehow managed to get into a good school so I'm fine. It wasn't even hard to get into a good school becacuse some lazy idiots got there (they were healthy just didn't care about anything).
ADHD isn't uniform. You can still somewhat focus on studying things you like. Well a bit.
So I kept struggling but I thougnt I'm fine I will go to a best uni and then I will be a best scientist. I kept enduring abuse and feeling very lonely. I wanted to interact with people despite everything.
I got into a worse uni than I wanted to but I thought it's still will be okay. Well no. University involves waaay more studying than school and also has it's other responsibilities. You havev to take care of your life. Your parents dont clean your room no more. So I became a total failure. I had 0 discpline I developed symptoms of depression had 0 energy and failed everything I could fail at uni. They didn't kick me though. They let me repeat the subjects I failed. It is how it works in Poland. if you ask for it. Unfortunately I got forced into admitting all my mental problems. I was never diagnosed with depression (though I should have been probably) so I had to say I'm failing because of autism evevn though autism wasn't the main problem. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Stupid people who didn't care at all were passing almost all subjects and I was failing almost all subjects even the ones with 90% passing rate.
So while I was failing everything I realized I had an ADHD and needed medication. My symptoms were blatantly obvious. Public doctors refused to diagnose me so I had to ruin my finances and go private. It's cheaper than in the USA of course but when you're poor it's still way too expensive. It was a painful process. Paid shrinks are abusive too but more tolerable. They were ON PURPOSE prolonging the diagnosis process because they saw I desperately needed medicine and you can't get the medicine without a formal diagnosis. Then I had to wait for the medicine because I had 0 money left.
I fought through the depression somehow with rest and minimizing stress it improved on its own? So with medicine I started to get very good grades again. I still have a lot to work through regarding my ADHD. Despite the drastic improvement my professor think I'm a terrible student and they say it openly. A week or two ago a professor came to me during a break. She said I should be grateful that students like me are even allowed to join the uni. I have some mates but they don't want to do projects with me. Basically I'm considered an idiot and my chances for doing a PhD are non existent.
I'm very weak physically. Not disabled thankfully just weak. I gotta exercise and take care of myself to stay in any shape. It is annoying to see when I have the same stamina like a guy who smokes 4 times an hour and never exercises. So I can't do physical labor. For some reason employers don't want me in easy white collar jobs that have hardly any requirements.
My arms hurts for no reason. I had an MRI it said it can be a very bad bone disease in the beginning stages and if I don't get treatment soon I will have to become left handed. My ortho doesn't care. So I have to spend a lot of money to get it well checked by other doctors.
I can't deal with paperwork because of my autism. If it's easy fine. But anything slightly hard is a torture for me because I just don't understand those stupid papers.
There is always a possibility I will end up without the ADHD meds because Polish government doesn't care about medicine safety and they don't order enough. It's not just ADHD problem there are many medicines that aren't ordered in Poland in proper quantities. Apparently we have had problems with saline solutions so some hospitals couldn't operate on people because of that.
I probably have C-PTSD and even DID (I have personalities but they agree to post this). Shrinks don't want to try to diagnose me for trauma and they just say I'm sensitive/emotional.
My stomach is ruined from all the stress. I'm not sure if it is serious. I'm on half maximal dose of anti ADHD medicine and I can't go any higher because my stomach won't tolerate more. I can take light medications on top of stimulants but even basic pain medicine can be problematic if my stomach is having a hard day. I needed an antibiotic a few weeks ago and my stomach was hurting a lot. So if I get any sickness that require long term medication I'm done for.
I'm just scared of the future. I don't wanna die anytime soon but I'm afraid I got 0 options. Thanks for listening.
I am from Poland and I have "high functioning" Autism (Asperger's) and very severe ADHD. In theory I'm gender fluid but I'm used to being female (I hate my body regardless of its gender elements) to just call me a she or they. I'm your typical ADHD havoc-wreaking uncontrollable child. I'm an adult now but I'm still pure chaos. I do chaos using my mouth rather than my body cuz I'm not fit at all. I don't ever shut up unless I'm exhausted. My attention span AT MAXIMUM is 30 minutes not a second later. Most of the time it's lower so without meds I'm just a mental vegetable. They don't work on being super hyper but if I drain all my energy I stop being hyper. So what's the problem? I just gotta take my meds thankfully in Poland medicines have normal prices.
In Poland typical basic education lasts 11-13 years and you're done at the age of 18-20. Most standard path is 12 years and that's what I did. I'm in my twenties now. I got diagnosed with ADHD last year and been given meds this year. AFTER I kinda ruined my life. If I wasn't autistic just ADHD I'd knew how to fix this mess.
I was diagnosed with autism at like 6th grade. My parents (they are another topic) would always drag me to the shrinks. Here in Poland you can choose between "free" healthcare and private healthcare. If you pay taxes you can go to any public doctor but their knowledge often sucks. But my parents are poor so they dragged me there hoping it'd be okay. Well it took them quite a few years to diagnose obvious autism in me. They never saw ADHD even when it was painfully obvious. Like once they gave me a test with 300 hundred questions and I just couldn't focus and I did it wrong. But instead of wondering why I can't focus on a test they blamed me for not trying hard enough.
So at school I was lightly bullied (sometimes hard bullied) and hated deeply. I would always do something wrong like say 1 wrong sentence and people would be mad at me. So because of that I endured a lot of (mostly) mental violence because apparently I was unbearable. People were always accusing me of being malicious of annoying everybody on purpose. When I got diagnosed with autism it kinda got better because people just assumed I'm an idiot and there is no point in being mad at me. They kept calling me an idiot though.
I got forced into autism therapy which was just more mental abuse and it didn't help my autism at all. What shrinks don't realize is that iif you abuse your autistic child that child learns that abuse is a normal way of interacting. So you have to treat them nice to teach them proper social communication. So I would get shouted at and I'd think that when somebody annoys me I must shout. So then they'd give me medicine to calm me down because I was emotional and apparently dangerous. No one asked me why I was "violent". Well any attemps at setting boundaries were considered violence...
I was never like the other autistic children I met at the therapy. They were all very introverted. You had to force them to interact with you. I on the other hand always enjoyed interacting with people. It never worked out though. So I'd try to interact with everybody and they'd always get mad at me. Other autistic people were silent and I couldn't stop yapping. I have little control over how much I talk.
I always struggled with studying but I never knew it. Id study for half an hour and it was enough for the entire primary school. I didn't realize most people actually study a lot to get good grades. I started having problems with learning. I'd cry while learning geography cuz I hated it so much. But I still had decent grades (not the best but way above average) so I didn't know I had a problem. That it wasn't normal that I'd cry because of learning a boring subject.
I wanted to be a scientist. I always considered myself to be smart to be a good student and I wanted to be a STEM scientist.
So I went to the high school. My problems were obvious but I had majors I liked so it was fine. I was obviously not fine but no one cared. I once tried to check if I had ADHD so I made an appointment. They told me I got into a good high school so I'm fine. Who cares I'm super hyper and can't focus for a second I somehow managed to get into a good school so I'm fine. It wasn't even hard to get into a good school becacuse some lazy idiots got there (they were healthy just didn't care about anything).
ADHD isn't uniform. You can still somewhat focus on studying things you like. Well a bit.
So I kept struggling but I thougnt I'm fine I will go to a best uni and then I will be a best scientist. I kept enduring abuse and feeling very lonely. I wanted to interact with people despite everything.
I got into a worse uni than I wanted to but I thought it's still will be okay. Well no. University involves waaay more studying than school and also has it's other responsibilities. You havev to take care of your life. Your parents dont clean your room no more. So I became a total failure. I had 0 discpline I developed symptoms of depression had 0 energy and failed everything I could fail at uni. They didn't kick me though. They let me repeat the subjects I failed. It is how it works in Poland. if you ask for it. Unfortunately I got forced into admitting all my mental problems. I was never diagnosed with depression (though I should have been probably) so I had to say I'm failing because of autism evevn though autism wasn't the main problem. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Stupid people who didn't care at all were passing almost all subjects and I was failing almost all subjects even the ones with 90% passing rate.
So while I was failing everything I realized I had an ADHD and needed medication. My symptoms were blatantly obvious. Public doctors refused to diagnose me so I had to ruin my finances and go private. It's cheaper than in the USA of course but when you're poor it's still way too expensive. It was a painful process. Paid shrinks are abusive too but more tolerable. They were ON PURPOSE prolonging the diagnosis process because they saw I desperately needed medicine and you can't get the medicine without a formal diagnosis. Then I had to wait for the medicine because I had 0 money left.
I fought through the depression somehow with rest and minimizing stress it improved on its own? So with medicine I started to get very good grades again. I still have a lot to work through regarding my ADHD. Despite the drastic improvement my professor think I'm a terrible student and they say it openly. A week or two ago a professor came to me during a break. She said I should be grateful that students like me are even allowed to join the uni. I have some mates but they don't want to do projects with me. Basically I'm considered an idiot and my chances for doing a PhD are non existent.
I'm very weak physically. Not disabled thankfully just weak. I gotta exercise and take care of myself to stay in any shape. It is annoying to see when I have the same stamina like a guy who smokes 4 times an hour and never exercises. So I can't do physical labor. For some reason employers don't want me in easy white collar jobs that have hardly any requirements.
My arms hurts for no reason. I had an MRI it said it can be a very bad bone disease in the beginning stages and if I don't get treatment soon I will have to become left handed. My ortho doesn't care. So I have to spend a lot of money to get it well checked by other doctors.
I can't deal with paperwork because of my autism. If it's easy fine. But anything slightly hard is a torture for me because I just don't understand those stupid papers.
There is always a possibility I will end up without the ADHD meds because Polish government doesn't care about medicine safety and they don't order enough. It's not just ADHD problem there are many medicines that aren't ordered in Poland in proper quantities. Apparently we have had problems with saline solutions so some hospitals couldn't operate on people because of that.
I probably have C-PTSD and even DID (I have personalities but they agree to post this). Shrinks don't want to try to diagnose me for trauma and they just say I'm sensitive/emotional.
My stomach is ruined from all the stress. I'm not sure if it is serious. I'm on half maximal dose of anti ADHD medicine and I can't go any higher because my stomach won't tolerate more. I can take light medications on top of stimulants but even basic pain medicine can be problematic if my stomach is having a hard day. I needed an antibiotic a few weeks ago and my stomach was hurting a lot. So if I get any sickness that require long term medication I'm done for.
I'm just scared of the future. I don't wanna die anytime soon but I'm afraid I got 0 options. Thanks for listening.
