Help Wasted 70g of SN...Need help with ideas for other methods/ CTB journey/failed attempts

[ChefTesta]

So I guess I'll start off with saying I've been wanting to CTB for several years now. It all started with a manic epsiode I had, followed by a full year of debilitating depression, followed by another manic episode...and as a result I have pretty much lost everything. I had everything I pretty much every wanted but as a result of a mental illness I had no control over it is all now gone. I am now in a severely depressing, impossible, and suffocating situation with no way out. Anyways...

My first thought/attempts was to hang. I have a nice tall tree in my backyard with a perfect branch. I got the rope, tied the noose, got the chair, set up the whole thing etc etc. Except when I got to the final point of no return with the noose around my neck...I just couldn't do it. I tried again 3 or 4 more times but could never get myself to tip over the chair. I don't want to struggle or be in pain in my final moments. I thought that there had to be a better way. I did some research and learned about the inert gas/exit bag method.

I went to a hardware store, got a 75% Argon 25% CO2 canister(as this was the only inert gas available locally without having to get it shipped, or having to own a business), the hose, the regulator, the exit bag...all that. I attempted this method several times. First try, I pulled the bag over my head, and I am not sure if it's because the canister contained 25% CO2 but my SI kicked in and I pulled the bag off. Tried another time the same night, same result. Tried again the next night and the canister ran out of gas. As the canister was $200USD +$100USD for the other equipment I just thought I couldn't revist this route as I am not independently wealthy lol. I started scouring the internet for other methods and found this website. And learned about SN.

I was able to locate DMC through tips on this website. Ordered the SN and received it no problem. I already had the antiemetics because of my extensive mental health history haha. Sat on it for a month though, just waiting for the right moment. I learn that my parents(who I live with) will be going out of town for a week, so I thought that that would be the perfect moment. I follow the SN protocol verbatim, prepare 35g SN in 100mL water, got throat numbing spray, mouth wash and some hard candies for the taste after...

I bring the cup to my mouth, and for the life(or death) of me...cannot get myself to drink the cup. Even with the antiemetics and fasting, I feel as if I would throw up, as I do not have the strongest of stomachs and just feel like the extremely salty taste would just do me in. After fighting with myself for 2 hours, I pour the SN drink down the sink. I tell myself that I will do it the next night. This time I get a straw as I was hoping to use it to bypass my tongue/taste buds. Still followed protocol...still couldn't get myself to drink it. I guess I'm just scared of the taste/throwing up/ the 10-45minutesish in limbo between when you drink and pass out. I feel like if the SN could be in pill form somehow that would make it easier for me. But alas, I am now down to approximately 27g of SN left and want to save it in case of emergency or when shit really hits the fan.

That leads me to now. Parents come home in a few days, so I feel as if I have missed my opportunity. I guess I am posting just to share my story and ask your guys' opinions on other methods. I have looked into the CO method and it intrigues me but using charcoal versus a generator...just not sure about it all.

I am running out of options and tired of suffering. I hate when I wake up everyday. knowing I had it all and having to live with the failure and regret and pain...and knowing it won't get better, if anything it will only get worse. If anyone could assist me with new methods/ideas to CTB I would greatly appreciate it.

Thoughts/Comments/Questions?

Thank you

 

[NonEssential]

You're sure it's about the extremely salty taste? I feel like it's the SI that do not want you to drink it.
Also don't you also need some kinda pills or whatever alongside SN?

 

[ChefTesta]

You're sure it's about the extremely salty taste? I feel like it's the SI that do not want you to drink it.
Also don't you also need some kinda pills or whatever alongside SN?

SI definitely played a factor. and I guess just the unknown of what would happen next/possible discomfort and/or throwing up. I do not like throwing up at all.
And yes, I had the antiemetics and took them correctly on both tries. Still couldn't bring myself to do it

 

[Peace2peace]

No matter the method si will always play a factor u have to fight the si first thats where the challenge is am going through the same thing

 

[ChefTesta]

No matter the method si will always play a factor u have to fight the si first thats where the challenge is am going through the same thing

My SI is definitely a bitch...

This is why I am considering CO method because you just heat charcoal or turn on a generator then lay down and from what I've read, if you do it right, you just pass out. Seems like a much more "passive" method I guess for a lack of a better term.

Just worried about not getting the right amount of CO emission, failing the attempt/waking up and causing permanent damage

 

[Peace2peace]

My SI is definitely a bitch...

This is why I am considering CO method because you just heat charcoal or turn on a generator then lay down and from what I've read, if you do it right, you just pass out. Seems like a much more "passive" method I guess for a lack of a better term.

Just worried about not getting the right amount of CO emission, failing the attempt/waking up and causing permanent damage

U need to research more on any method u choose

 

[ChefTesta]

U need to research more on any method u choose

I've done a good amount of research on the methods listed on the Resource Complitation, and idk. Some seem like the materials are too hard to obtain, or there are too many variables...or some methods do not rate high on the peacefulness scale. For instance the CO method...there are just so many variables that could lead to failure and damage, but the peacfulness of it, if it's successful, is very tempting. Dream scenario would be N, but that's just a pipe dream. Nearly impossible to obtain and is illegal to possess and I cannot risk that in my current situation...

 

[ChefTesta]

Just read a thread about LPG...or in other words propane. I am tempted to go this route as propane is very available and relatively cheap here in the US. Also, it does not seem that it would leave permanent damage if the attempt is aborted or if you are saved, contrary to CO.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

If you already have a weak stomach SN is probably not the right method. Don't be too hard to yourself, SI sucks!

Here's the CO Megathread and a guide, you won't need a generator you should invest that money into CO meter (10k ppm, and a tent) if you can afford it.

Carbon monoxide megathread

Hi, this will be the megathread for the carbon monoxide method. I have some questions about the charcoal method, is it a simple method to do? Like buying charcoal and setting it or there is some steps and setup to follow The ppeh gives low rating for preparation but good rating for...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Charcoal method advice

Hi, I somehow came across this site after some furious google searching over the weekend. After trying and failing other methods over the past month I came across back to the idea of carbon monoxide and decided to dig further into charcoal burning, of which there are plenty discussions on this...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[ChefTesta]

If you already have a weak stomach SN is probably not the right method. Don't be too hard to yourself, SI sucks!

Here's the CO Megathread and a guide, you won't need a generator you should invest that money into CO meter (10k ppm, and a tent) if you can afford it.

Carbon monoxide megathread

Hi, this will be the megathread for the carbon monoxide method. I have some questions about the charcoal method, is it a simple method to do? Like buying charcoal and setting it or there is some steps and setup to follow The ppeh gives low rating for preparation but good rating for...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Charcoal method advice

Hi, I somehow came across this site after some furious google searching over the weekend. After trying and failing other methods over the past month I came across back to the idea of carbon monoxide and decided to dig further into charcoal burning, of which there are plenty discussions on this...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Thank you.

Do you have any thoughts and/or knowledge on propane? It's much more easier to obtain and cheaper than other inert gases talked about on this site. Plus, inert gases seem to not cause long term damage if aborted, versus CO

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Just read a thread about LPG...or in other words propane. I am tempted to go this route as propane is very available and relatively cheap here in the US. Also, it does not seem that it would leave permanent damage if the attempt is aborted or if you are saved, contrary to CO.

Propane isn't lethal by itself, you will die bc of a lack of oxygen while exposing yourself and other people to a risk of the propane/air-mixture to explode!

There's the inert gas method that's much safer! But you will need to invest some money into it to get this setup.

Exit bag and inert gas megathread

Exit Bag and Inert Gas Basics —A very, very long post, I know, but I feel like I've fielded a lot of questions about this, so I figured I'd spell out everything I know. Others on the forum should please add to this thread whatever reliable technical information they feel is appropriate for...

sanctioned-suicide.net

GasMonkey Setup [Nitrogen SCBA]

🐵 GasMonkey Setup 🐵 [Nitrogen SCBA] Positive Pressure Self-Contained Breathing Apparatus **images have been edited to ensure anonymity** Front view Side view Back view Pressure gauge Lung Demand Valve and Mask Bluetooth pulse oximeter Cylinder attachment Cylinder's connection...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Other than that. what's wrong with full suspension hanging? Partial is difficult to get it done right, full suspension has a 100% chance once you kicked the chair away and there's nothing to grab. I assume anchor point holds.

 

[ChefTesta]

Propane isn't lethal by itself, you will die bc of a lack of oxygen while exposing yourself and other people to a risk of the propane/air-mixture to explode!

There's the inert gas method that's much safer! But you will need to invest some money into it to get this setup.

Exit bag and inert gas megathread

Exit Bag and Inert Gas Basics —A very, very long post, I know, but I feel like I've fielded a lot of questions about this, so I figured I'd spell out everything I know. Others on the forum should please add to this thread whatever reliable technical information they feel is appropriate for...

sanctioned-suicide.net

GasMonkey Setup [Nitrogen SCBA]

🐵 GasMonkey Setup 🐵 [Nitrogen SCBA] Positive Pressure Self-Contained Breathing Apparatus **images have been edited to ensure anonymity** Front view Side view Back view Pressure gauge Lung Demand Valve and Mask Bluetooth pulse oximeter Cylinder attachment Cylinder's connection...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Other than that. what's wrong with full suspension hanging? Partial is difficult to get it done right, full suspension has a 100% chance once you kicked the chair away and there's nothing to grab. I assume anchor point holds.

As stated in my original post, I tried to do full suspension probably 4-5 times but could never get myself to kick the chair. Just really don't want to suffer/be in pain in my last moments. Seen/read posts and reports of how "uncomfortable" and painful it is. Like I said I feel like I'm running out of options at this point. I guess I'm just a pussy haha. Thank you for your replies and suggestions, means a lot

As stated in my original post, I tried to do full suspension probably 4-5 times but could never get myself to kick the chair. Just really don't want to suffer/be in pain in my last moments. Seen/read posts and reports of how "uncomfortable" and painful it is. Like I said I feel like I'm running out of options at this point. I guess I'm just a pussy haha. Thank you for your replies and suggestions, means a lot

I am a huge overthinker and look at every option at every possible angle. In this instance I think of myself being found by my parents swinging from a tree, first responders showing up and just causing a big scene...then I back out smh. My SI really is my biggest weakness at this point

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I think it's SI ... I'm sorry you have to go through this and SI is so strong for you. You're not a pussy at all!

It's just there are not peaceful methods available for the people who just wanna leave existence for their personal reasons - unless they're almost dead in the few countries that have legal euthanasia.

I'm sorry you have to go through this - it's so inhumane!

 

[ChefTesta]

I think it's SI ... I'm sorry you have to go through this and SI is so strong for you. You're not a pussy at all!

It's just there are not peaceful methods available for the people who just wanna leave existence for their personal reasons - unless they're almost dead in the few countries that have legal euthanasia.

I'm sorry you have to go through this - it's so inhumane!

I appreciate the sympathy and friendly dialogue more than you know...I read about the Sarco on the PPH. Would absolutely love if that was available here and could take it for a spin lmao

 

[unworthy_]

Survival instinct is so strong. Not to invalidate how you feel but your mental is still strong to pull you back. Is there smtg in life that you are still holding on ?

For me I have to think of the aftermath. My parents, my dog and coffin. Cremation is not cheap and I don't want to burden them with all those.
Sucks because that will live them devastated and my dog is dying with cancer, so I am the primary caregiver. Without me, her condition would take her sooner.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Survival instinct is so strong. Not to invalidate how you feel but your mental is still strong to pull you back. Is there smtg in life that you are still holding on ?

Subjectively yes objectively no - bc ultimately we can't take anything with us onto the other side whether we die naturally or by suicide.

If things are that terrible the after math isn't a problem bc we'd be gone and it's not our problem anymore.

It's the ever-unsolvable problem - someone will have to suffer - either it's us who wanna CTB for personal reasons or people who suffer our loss and the consequences.

 

[ChefTesta]

Survival instinct is so strong. Not to invalidate how you feel but your mental is still strong to pull you back. Is there smtg in life that you are still holding on ?

For me I have to think of the aftermath. My parents, my dog and coffin. Cremation is not cheap and I don't want to burden them with all those.
Sucks because that will live them devastated and my dog is dying with cancer, so I am the primary caregiver. Without me, her condition would take her sooner.

It definitely is. But to answer your question...honestly not much. I have my family, who I am grateful for, but that's about it. I am pretty hopeless at this point. I am realistic with myself as to my current situation and that there is little to no chance of anything really getting better. I wish I could tell you or figure out what's holding me back. I grew up in a religious household so I'm not sure if it its like a subconscious fear of the afterlife or lack thereof...My family knows about my situation and what I've been through, but they would be devastated if i CTB. That may play a factor. I appreciate having them and know that some people don't even have that, but I also look at it as it's not fair that I have to keep suffering daily just because they want me to stick around and "power through". It's an extremely difficult situation and just want it all to be over...

 

[needthebus]

Sending virtual hugs to you <3

 

[ChefTesta]

Bump. Just really need insight on new methods as I am at the end of my rope (pun slightly intended). All help is appreciated

 

[needthebus]

Bump. Just really need insight on new methods as I am at the end of my rope (pun slightly intended). All help is appreciated

Because your SI is very strong, I think you should consider this combo an attempt that didn't result in death and count it as a suicide attempt.

What counts as a suicide attempt and what doesn't is somewhat arbitrary, but to me, if you had SN and tried to drink it and had everything prepared but SI stopped you, despite on some level wanting to end things, it counts as an attempt. I wouldn't consider it a parasuicidal gesture. You were very close to dying.

I would suggest giving yourself a break to relax and not think about suicide or try to attempt. Instead of looking at it as "I'm so frustrated I couldn't do this" see it for what it is: a very real attempt that really almost resulted in you dying. It's super stressful to go through an attempt, just like it's stressful to prepare for one or seek out one. It's easy to become frustrated with oneself after an attempt doesn't work out as expected, but the whole thing is so stressful, just find a way to relax, just accept life as being what it is, even if it's awful, for a while...

Do you have hobbies? Things you like? Anything you enjoy at all? Any urge to travel? I would take the idea of suicide, put it in a metaphorical box, give yourself a break and do things for a few months even if you are miserable and hate life, and if you still feel this way months from now, then you can open up the metaphorical box and come back to suicide. Attempts are exhausting and you'll still be able to attempt again, if you want, if you wait a few months.

 

[ChefTesta]

Because your SI is very strong, I think you should consider this combo an attempt that didn't result in death and count it as a suicide attempt.

What counts as a suicide attempt and what doesn't is somewhat arbitrary, but to me, if you had SN and tried to drink it and had everything prepared but SI stopped you, despite on some level wanting to end things, it counts as an attempt. I wouldn't consider it a parasuicidal gesture. You were very close to dying.

I would suggest giving yourself a break to relax and not think about suicide or try to attempt. Instead of looking at it as "I'm so frustrated I couldn't do this" see it for what it is: a very real attempt that really almost resulted in you dying. It's super stressful to go through an attempt, just like it's stressful to prepare for one or seek out one. It's easy to become frustrated with oneself after an attempt doesn't work out as expected, but the whole thing is so stressful, just find a way to relax, just accept life as being what it is, even if it's awful, for a while...

Do you have hobbies? Things you like? Anything you enjoy at all? Any urge to travel? I would take the idea of suicide, put it in a metaphorical box, give yourself a break and do things for a few months even if you are miserable and hate life, and if you still feel this way months from now, then you can open up the metaphorical box and come back to suicide. Attempts are exhausting and you'll still be able to attempt again, if you want, if you wait a few months.

I enjoy basketball, videogames, watching TV/movies...but because of my depression/mental illness and my current predicament these things just don't bring me the same level of joy they used to. I no longer have any friends because of my manic episodes, pushed/scared them all away. I used to have many friends/acquantances and was very social, and to revert to the exact opposite where I have nobody/chronic isolation has just been mind numbing.

I guess the reason I keep trying over and over is because my current situation could go from awful to even worse, very very quickly. And there is a little to no chance that it ever improves, at least for many many years. I am not willing to suffer for years, just to cling on to some hope that it "might' improve in the way distant future

 

[bananaolympus]

Early this year i also couldn't do it but it wasn't because of si but because i thought of my family pain, right now my family is damaged health wise, my dad has lung problems from decades of smoking, my mom has heart issues she suffered a mild heart attack when i did my first attempt, my aunt has serious heart conditions, one of my close cousins is not suicidal that i know off but his mental health is really bad right now, and well my grandma is old and don't think she would last very long if i die

 

[ChefTesta]

Early this year i also couldn't do it but it wasn't because of si but because i thought of my family pain, right now my family is damaged health wise, my dad has lung problems from decades of smoking, my mom has heart issues she suffered a mild heart attack when i did my first attempt, my aunt has serious heart conditions, one of my close cousins is not suicidal that i know off but his mental health is really bad right now, and well my grandma is old and don't think she would last very long if i die

Understandable. I too have grandparents that are old (mid 80s) and that it would affect very much. Really wish I could wait until they pass but I don't think I'm gonna make it to that point...

 

[ChefTesta]

Are there any confirmed/documented cases of a successful CTB with SN in pill form?

I understand that this is not the recommended method, just curious as to if it's been done

sanctioned-suicide.net

Want to reduce SN due to weak stomach. Help please!

I don't want to through it all up. As I have weak stomach and I'm reaaaaly petite, guess ~16g would be enough (and 60-70 ml of water). Any thoughts, please.

sanctioned-suicide.net

Just going to drop these here as they have helped work out my next method/attempt. SN in pill/capsule form. Will update here as I go along or I might just start a goodbye thread altogether as I have growing hope and courage and confidence in this. Thank you to all who have responded and contributed. Godspeed.

 

[ChefTesta]

So a minor update. I guess an old love interest/situationship (long story, ties in with my second manic episode lol) is coming to town on Wednesday to look at an apartment to move back, and she hit me up out of the blue and said she wants to hangout. I feel like this is God/The Universe trying to pull me back off the ledge and give me some sense of false hope and like toy with my psyche...idk. She's flaky tho so I doubt it'll even happen. So essentially, I'm gonna wait til Wednesday, and if in fact nothing comes of it like I suspect will happen. I am 100% going to CTB that weekend lol. Stay tuned

 

[ChefTesta]

Just ordered 100 enteric 00 capsules. Should get here Tuesday

 

[slowdance]

Btw needthebus is a pro-life troll. Don't trust them

 

[ChefTesta]

Btw needthebus is a pro-life troll. Don't trust them

Oh word, I didn't know that. Thank you