Venting was i being manipulative?

[juststitches]

so, i really need to get this out of my chest with someone since I've started to feel really guilty about it, especially today. I've thought about it lately more than usual because a couple of posts I've seen around here mentioning that, in their suicide note, they'd rather just not blame anyone and say that this was a decision they and discussed all alone.

a bit of context. i was in an abusive relationship almost a year ago, and a couple of months after the breakup, i decided to cut complete contact off. it was like that since a month and a half ago, when i decided to approach my ex to tell her the truth about how i felt about her. i know, worst idea of the year. but, on my defense, i genuinely thought that we could fix things "just talking them out" and that she'd accept the things she'd done to me. which, spoiler: couldn't be more far than the truth.

we argued, and in one moment of heat because she kept insisting in "how much she cared about my life" and how "badly she wanted me to stay alive" i told her that if i was to kill myself, she knew her conscience would never rest because it'd be partially her fault. in the moment, it made sense and i was so sure of it, but now, watching go through my mind on a more calm perspective, i think i could've acted a million other ways. i genuinely didn't want to bring suicide onto the table, but she kept asking how i was about it since in her words "she thought i disappeared because i was dead". she exalted and said that in the way i was put it in i was trying to manipulate her with that fact and that she didn't like what i was saying.
which, was absolutely the last thing i wanted to do. i just wanted her to see how much the things she have done affected me and that i think it's very hypocritical of her behalf to say she cares about my life when she completely teared all of it. keep in mind this person has been not only emotionally but sexually abusive to me, and her actions have affected me in every way possible. the c-pstd has sucked my life out of me. it's been one year and there hasn't been one day i haven't think about everything that happened on our relationship. oh, and btw, she clearly denied all of my accusations.

being manipulative or like her at all is the last thing i want to be in this life, i would never want to hurt anyone in the way others have done to me so im completely terrified of engaging in abusive behavior. i wish we could talk things out and maybe apologize for it a last time, but it's impossible we have contact ever again. i cut all contact, she blocked me and told me i was basically crazy, lying, delusional and making up everything in my head. i don't know. i don't want to be a bad person. i wanna do better, i swear.

 

[pharma]

what you said was wrong. there is no way going around that.. your ex was clearly not well (considering she gaslit you by calling you crazy and delusional). but i wouldn't say that makes a manipulative person...you went to her with good intentions and messed up. thats human.

i'm going to go out and a limb and say this: i have manipulated and suicide-baited someone close to me and trust me the wrost thing on earth was realising what i had said and how badly i hurt her. the worst part was how long it took me to realise. i am a bad person because it took me a long time to realise that i hurt her and cause i put my feelings before hers... if you are on here asking this and owning up to what you said... then you are not a bad person. because you're showing that you care about her and you regret how you made her feel. even after what she did to you, you still are showing empathy and kindness, which most abusers won't do.

I hope you find someone better. best thing is to move on. good luck

 

[Someone123]

It does sound like you have bothe done some things that are harmful to each other, though it's impossible to sort of how much blame may go to each. Based on what you have written, my guess is that staying away from each other and thinking about how you could have a healthier relationship with another lady may be worth doing- it may be worth it to think about what you could do to better protect yourself and to find a way to have a healthier relationship.

 

[juststitches]

so, i really need to get this out of my chest with someone since I've started to feel really guilty about it, especially today. I've thought about it lately more than usual because a couple of posts I've seen around here mentioning that, in their suicide note, they'd rather just not blame anyone and say that this was a decision they and discussed all alone.

a bit of context. i was in an abusive relationship almost a year ago, and a couple of months after the breakup, i decided to cut complete contact off. it was like that since a month and a half ago, when i decided to approach my ex to tell her the truth about how i felt about her. i know, worst idea of the year. but, on my defense, i genuinely thought that we could fix things "just talking them out" and that she'd accept the things she'd done to me. which, spoiler: couldn't be more far than the truth.

we argued, and in one moment of heat because she kept insisting in "how much she cared about my life" and how "badly she wanted me to stay alive" i told her that if i was to kill myself, she knew her conscience would never rest because it'd be partially her fault. in the moment, it made sense and i was so sure of it, but now, watching go through my mind on a more calm perspective, i think i could've acted a million other ways. i genuinely didn't want to bring suicide onto the table, but she kept asking how i was about it since in her words "she thought i disappeared because i was dead". she exalted and said that in the way i was put it in i was trying to manipulate her with that fact and that she didn't like what i was saying.
which, was absolutely the last thing i wanted to do. i just wanted her to see how much the things she have done affected me and that i think it's very hypocritical of her behalf to say she cares about my life when she completely teared all of it. keep in mind this person has been not only emotionally but sexually abusive to me, and her actions have affected me in every way possible. the c-pstd has sucked my life out of me. it's been one year and there hasn't been one day i haven't think about everything that happened on our relationship. oh, and btw, she clearly denied all of my accusations.

being manipulative or like her at all is the last thing i want to be in this life, i would never want to hurt anyone in the way others have done to me so im completely terrified of engaging in abusive behavior. i wish we could talk things out and maybe apologize for it a last time, but it's impossible we have contact ever again. i cut all contact, she blocked me and told me i was basically crazy, lying, delusional and making up everything in my head. i don't know. i don't want to be a bad person. i wanna do better, i swear.

i don't know why i left out such important detail but i actually immediately realized what i had said and when she pointed that out. i even apologized and said i was being very insensitive and that it wasn't my intention at all, so that makes me feel a little bit better. i hope i can learn from this and not let the guilt eat me alive :')

 

[SexyIncél]

Maybe I misunderstand what happened. But abusive people like her are common causes of suicidal impulses. Were you telling the truth? If so, fine

Unless you surprised her or are difficult to talk with, she could have just decided to listen and ponder your perspective. But it came to a heated argument, which means some things still cause your conflicts