Was gonna post a goodbye thread at 8pm PT, but...

[VtubersAreMyLife]

First time I ever posted a thread on here lol.
Sadly, of all the times my sister decided to talk to me, she does so on the day I was going to commit to Ctb. I was getting everything prepared, SN, cups, measuring tool, etc. I was gonna wait until 7pm to take the ibuprofen, but then all of a sudden my sister knocks on the door to talk to me. My plan was to act cool and normal, as not to arouse suspicion.... but then she asked me "Are you okay?" And for some reason I just started crying, like I'm good at holding my tears and rarely cry but this time I couldn't hold it back. I honestly don't know how I feel about what just happened, I don't know what I'm going to do for a bit. She's going to be keeping a closer eye on me, so now I can't Ctb whenever I feel like. My family does care for me (I think?), but I just need to leave. This world and its people really break my heart, I'm not just sad for myself, I'm sad for anyone who has to suffer, seeing others go through suffering really hurts and because of that I want to go. This feeling in my heart really hurts. I'm hoping to be gone before the end of this month, if not by Jan. Sorry for venting, I just decided to post whatever I was thinking right now since I'm disappointed in myself for not dying today. My next thread will probably be my last.

 

[Miss_Takes]

Struggling with peoples caring can be tough.

 

[VtubersAreMyLife]

Struggling with peoples caring can be tough.

It really is, even though I'm 100% committed, it still crushes me that my family will be destroyed one way or the other. To be honest it's that guilt that kept me alive for longer than I should have been. But seeing my sister tear up when she was talking to me made me feel even worse than I already do...

 

[Maka hiamoe]

No need to apologize, nothing wrong with expressing how you feel. How did your sister react after you started crying ? Does your family know you are suicidal or are they just concerned or suspicious ?

 

[Miss_Takes]

None of this is easy is it? Hugs to you.

 

[whywere]

1st and foremost you are NOT EVER a disappointment to yourself or anyone. I am 64 years young and I wear my heart on my sleeve 100% of the time. You are a VERY VERY nice,caring and loving person. One can see that by reading your post. I can tell you from life experience that ones heart can hurt alot and then there are times where it hurts alittle less. You have a sister that from your account here that loves and cares for and about you. Whatever your decide to do in the future please try and remember that your global family here loves, cares and has alot of empathy and support for you. I am sending you all the love and kindness and support that I have in me to you. Walter

 

[VtubersAreMyLife]

No need to apologize, nothing wrong with expressing how you feel. How did your sister react after you started crying ? Does your family know you are suicidal or are they just concerned or suspicious ?

Thank you. She started getting more worried and try to figure out what was eating me up, then she started crying too when she tried to explain life does get better, which is rare because I never expected her to cry for me, at least not until I was gone.

None of this is easy is it? Hugs to you.

Thank you, hugs to you too, I hope whatever you're going through yourself gets better.

1st and foremost you are NOT EVER a disappointment to yourself or anyone. I am 64 years young and I wear my heart on my sleeve 100% of the time. You are a VERY VERY nice,caring and loving person. One can see that by reading your post. I can tell you from life experience that ones heart can hurt alot and then there are times where it hurts alittle less. You have a sister that from your account here that loves and cares for and about you. Whatever your decide to do in the future please try and remember that your global family here loves, cares and has alot of empathy and support for you. I am sending you all the love and kindness and support that I have in me to you. Walter

Thank you so much for telling me this! Honestly whenever I see someone go through something, I just feel horrible all of a sudden, like I wish I could make their life better with a snap of my fingers, but sadly I can't. Ive seen a lot of sad things happen to people, and there wasn't anything I could do. I really do love my family, and I wish nothing but the best for them, but I'm sadly dealing with mental, physical and financial issues myself, so I shouldn't be here to bother them anymore. I'm truly grateful for finding another family that I can talk to about this. Thank you. Sending love, kindness and support to you too

 

[whywere]

Thank you. She started getting more worried and try to figure out what was eating me up, then she started crying too when she tried to explain life does get better, which is rare because I never expected her to cry for me, at least not until I was gone.

Thank you, hugs to you too, I hope whatever you're going through yourself gets better.

Thank you so much for telling me this! Honestly whenever I see someone go through something, I just feel horrible all of a sudden, like I wish I could make their life better with a snap of my fingers, but sadly I can't. Ive seen a lot of sad things happen to people, and there wasn't anything I could do. I really do love my family, and I wish nothing but the best for them, but I'm sadly dealing with mental, physical and financial issues myself, so I shouldn't be here to bother them anymore. I'm truly grateful for finding another family that I can talk to about this. Thank you. Sending love, kindness and support to you too

HI again! I 100% am the same as you as far as I wish all my life that I could make peoples lives better instantly. I too am dealing with all the same issues that you are, mental, lots of that, physical, chronic 24/7 pain from a car crash, financial, lost my position becasue of covid virus, and I also do not want to bother anyone. Now that is WHY I, same as you have this great global family to help me and you. You are truly such a kind and kindred soul that I feel so blessed to have you as a family member. Please fell free to message me any time. All the sunny days on a beach relaxing with a cold beverage in hand is what I wish for you!!!!! Walter

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Stay strong, friend. We're here for you. Always and forever

 

[VtubersAreMyLife]

HI again! I 100% am the same as you as far as I wish all my life that I could make peoples lives better instantly. I too am dealing with all the same issues that you are, mental, lots of that, physical, chronic 24/7 pain from a car crash, financial, lost my position becasue of covid virus, and I also do not want to bother anyone. Now that is WHY I, same as you have this great global family to help me and you. You are truly such a kind and kindred soul that I feel so blessed to have you as a family member. Please fell free to message me any time. All the sunny days on a beach relaxing with a cold beverage in hand is what I wish for you!!!!! Walter

Wow, we are very similar! Even so I'm so sorry you have to deal with all that, especially when this pandemic is causing so much suffering, this world truly is cruel. I'm very happy that I can consider you and everyone here my family, even though I don't post much due to my social anxiety. You yourself are also very kind, and I too feel blessed having you as a family member. I will, and please do the same when you ever need to talk. I wish nothing but happiness for you!

Stay strong, friend. We're here for you. Always and forever

Thank you! Ill try to stay strong. I'll always be there for everyone as well until the day finally comes.

 

[I screwed up]

I can imagine how diff it is to ctb when u have a loving family.... I m in same boat ... But stay strong and peace be to you

 

[VtubersAreMyLife]

I can imagine how diff it is to ctb when u have a loving family.... I m in same boat ... But stay strong and peace be to you

Thank you. It really is difficult. Hopefully we both find peace in whatever we choose in the end.

 

[WornOutLife]

No problem.
I posted a goodbye thread last August and here I am!


I guess dying is no that easy.

 

[VtubersAreMyLife]

No problem.
I posted a goodbye thread last August and here I am!


I guess dying is no that easy.

It really isn't. I always have been told dying is the easy way out, but it's much harder than I realized. Though I've already told myself Im committed no matter what. I just have to plan better and make sure I succeed. I couldn't imagine failing and not giving the opportunity to choose anymore.

 

[Uzera]

First time I ever posted a thread on here lol.
Sadly, of all the times my sister decided to talk to me, she does so on the day I was going to commit to Ctb. I was getting everything prepared, SN, cups, measuring tool, etc. I was gonna wait until 7pm to take the ibuprofen, but then all of a sudden my sister knocks on the door to talk to me. My plan was to act cool and normal, as not to arouse suspicion.... but then she asked me "Are you okay?" And for some reason I just started crying, like I'm good at holding my tears and rarely cry but this time I couldn't hold it back. I honestly don't know how I feel about what just happened, I don't know what I'm going to do for a bit. She's going to be keeping a closer eye on me, so now I can't Ctb whenever I feel like. My family does care for me (I think?), but I just need to leave. This world and its people really break my heart, I'm not just sad for myself, I'm sad for anyone who has to suffer, seeing others go through suffering really hurts and because of that I want to go. This feeling in my heart really hurts. I'm hoping to be gone before the end of this month, if not by Jan. Sorry for venting, I just decided to post whatever I was thinking right now since I'm disappointed in myself for not dying today. My next thread will probably be my last.

I understand where youre coming from. Other people's suffering is one of the reasons I want to go. Its actually gotten to where sometimes im more worried about others suffering than mine. Theres lots of groups I think about more than others but in general the world is filled with suffering. It breaks my heart too.

 

[VtubersAreMyLife]

I understand where youre coming from. Other people's suffering is one of the reasons I want to go. Its actually gotten to where sometimes im more worried about others suffering than mine. Theres lots of groups I think about more than others but in general the world is filled with suffering. It breaks my heart too.

Yeah, I just don't know why this world has to be so cruel... I've seen a lot of people suffer more than I have, and knowing I can't make any real difference is upsetting. I just can't see a reason for continuing on in this world. I just wish everyone could be happy... But that's wishful thinking.

 

[Spitfire]

Yeah, I just don't know why this world has to be so cruel... I've seen a lot of people suffer more than I have, and knowing I can't make any real difference is upsetting. I just can't see a reason for continuing on in this world. I just wish everyone could be happy... But that's wishful thinking.

It will never happen there is no way that we all can we be happy, lol

If we can not all be happy, then I am not okay with any of it at all ever, today or yesterday.. tomorrow or ever.

 

[the_final_countdown]

Humans are good at detecting changes in mood. And so at the hour of our greatest desperation, they can usually tell something is wrong, even as we try to hide it.

It's sad. Everybody suffers. Being human is a sad and tragic business.

 

[Tired_Tired]

Make sure you only need to do it once. Hopefully no hell or reincarnation after death, so the suffering are really end forever.

 

[VtubersAreMyLife]

It will never happen there is no way that we all can we be happy, lol

If we can not all be happy, then I am not okay with any of it at all ever, today or yesterday.. tomorrow or ever.

Yeah, something like that would never happen. Peoples circumstances and mental health are so complicated I can't believe it would be possible for people to be genuinely happy. But I still hope for it, because in a way that would give me hope that even if life isn't worth living for us who choose to ctb, it will be for the people who choose to stay. I really hope the future becomes brighter for everyone.

Humans are good at detecting changes in mood. And so at the hour of our greatest desperation, they can usually tell something is wrong, even as we try to hide it.

It's sad. Everybody suffers. Being human is a sad and tragic business.

I too believe that is why she checked up on me that day. It's so weird because I was so sure I hid it well. Sadly all she did was delay the inevitable. The next attempt will be guaranteed.

I do agree with you on that.

Make sure you only need to do it once. Hopefully no hell or reincarnation after death, so the suffering are really end forever.

I will make sure that is the case. Luckily my sister doesn't know I was going to attempt on that day, so I just have to find a moment where I'm all alone and can be that way for at least 8 hours.

I don't believe in heaven or hell, but for some reason I do believe in reincarnation, which is weird. If there is a hell, I'll probably be seeing you all there lol. But I do hope once life is over, it's over.