Venting warmth

[encore]

the only thing that stops me from ending it all is the fact that i don't want this world to win. i don't want this system to destroy yet another kind, honest person that got unlucky with the way their brain and circumstances are. but im also so, so tired. my suicidal ideation is the strongest it's been my entire life and i really don't see a way out. the thought of continuing to live burdens me greatly. i always knew my life would end like this. from a young age, i had a feeling i wont die "naturally", and in a way, taking my own life feels logical. it feels like a statement. a testament. it feels like me.

it saddens me a lot that you can't win when it comes to people and human interaction. there will always be many instances where someone hates you out of nowhere, or doesn't understand you, or refuses to listen, when all you ever wanted was to be heard. when you never wanted to hurt anyone, only craving connection and warmth.

my dying wish would be to drift away into forever sleep while experiencing the warmth from my favorite person one last time. i don't think i will ever actually reach out to him though. i don't want to be burdensome, he has a whole life waiting for him to experience and enjoy, and i will do my best to make sure he never finds out i'm gone. it's for the better.

i will always yearn for him, especially in my last moments, but however strong that selfish yearning may be, i love him more than i love myself. even if it means dying all alone.