sorrowful
My exhaustion knows no end
- Feb 13, 2023
- 279
A few months ago I was sectioned, I had made posts on here about it, granted they were more me simply panicking. I had been meaning to write a follow up on my experience though I never got around to it. But, here it is.
I was brought into the emergency room in July after I had accidentally overdosed on benzos and opioids. Few days from my memory gone as I do not remember much of this, and I barely remember when I first woke after being blacked out. Was there for a while due to mental health team not being able to come in and also them having to find me a place in a ward. Not much to say about that other than it was disastrous. I was on 24/7 watch, it felt humiliating to have eyes on me all the time, especially with the way staff would talk and react to me as if I was a circus animal. In some way I understand why they do have to put people on watch, but God it does not feel good, worst of all is having to change clothes or shower etc. Brought back some traumatic memories. Not the nurses fault, but I felt nauseated.
A week goes by and at last I am seen by a team, final sort of evaluation before they cart me off, which they did. I expected it, I was in a state and hadn't been looking after myself at all. It was ran by the NHS, and was an utter mess. Understaffed and underpaid workers. I am in this place for just over 2 months and I saw a therapist once when I first arrived and another time just after my grandmother passed away after battling cancer. That situation made things much harder for me, during my stay I was able to visit her a few times, though final few days she was back at home instead of in a hospital - staff said I couldn't go due to journey and risks. Then, she began seizing again and was placed back into hospital. I asked to see her, and staff said the ward was having a busy day and to participate in group activities then I could see her tomorrow. I obliged, I did not want to fight. Of course, I never got that tomorrow. I feel guilty. I wish I did not just go along with it. If I said something else I could of gotten the chance. When I was told what happened, I remember I did not cry at first, my eyes just widened, I went into complete shock, staring at a wall finding it hard to catch my breath. The next time I saw her she was lifeless and cold. I knelt down beside the hospital bed and held her hand, I couldn't speak no words other than to sob. Next few days at the ward I was sedated as of my panic attacks in the night. Practically screaming over and over, "I'm sorry." Reaction from staff was that I was childish.
I have not much else to say about it overall, it changed nothing for me. I am left feeling even less of a person than before. Life is nothing but an endless battle of endurance and suffering. I am fighting a battle that I do not want to fight. To me, I believe it rarely ever works if you try and force help upon people. Our system is skewed. I have to laugh at pro-lifer arguments who seem to believe that help is so easy to get, or even desired. Look at reality; it's not. More times it only causes a person more distress and struggle than previously.
I was brought into the emergency room in July after I had accidentally overdosed on benzos and opioids. Few days from my memory gone as I do not remember much of this, and I barely remember when I first woke after being blacked out. Was there for a while due to mental health team not being able to come in and also them having to find me a place in a ward. Not much to say about that other than it was disastrous. I was on 24/7 watch, it felt humiliating to have eyes on me all the time, especially with the way staff would talk and react to me as if I was a circus animal. In some way I understand why they do have to put people on watch, but God it does not feel good, worst of all is having to change clothes or shower etc. Brought back some traumatic memories. Not the nurses fault, but I felt nauseated.
A week goes by and at last I am seen by a team, final sort of evaluation before they cart me off, which they did. I expected it, I was in a state and hadn't been looking after myself at all. It was ran by the NHS, and was an utter mess. Understaffed and underpaid workers. I am in this place for just over 2 months and I saw a therapist once when I first arrived and another time just after my grandmother passed away after battling cancer. That situation made things much harder for me, during my stay I was able to visit her a few times, though final few days she was back at home instead of in a hospital - staff said I couldn't go due to journey and risks. Then, she began seizing again and was placed back into hospital. I asked to see her, and staff said the ward was having a busy day and to participate in group activities then I could see her tomorrow. I obliged, I did not want to fight. Of course, I never got that tomorrow. I feel guilty. I wish I did not just go along with it. If I said something else I could of gotten the chance. When I was told what happened, I remember I did not cry at first, my eyes just widened, I went into complete shock, staring at a wall finding it hard to catch my breath. The next time I saw her she was lifeless and cold. I knelt down beside the hospital bed and held her hand, I couldn't speak no words other than to sob. Next few days at the ward I was sedated as of my panic attacks in the night. Practically screaming over and over, "I'm sorry." Reaction from staff was that I was childish.
I have not much else to say about it overall, it changed nothing for me. I am left feeling even less of a person than before. Life is nothing but an endless battle of endurance and suffering. I am fighting a battle that I do not want to fight. To me, I believe it rarely ever works if you try and force help upon people. Our system is skewed. I have to laugh at pro-lifer arguments who seem to believe that help is so easy to get, or even desired. Look at reality; it's not. More times it only causes a person more distress and struggle than previously.
