Story Wanting to walk the line between life and death. Wanting pity but can't commit to dying.

[jujujabebe]

Many years ago, there was a period of time where I would take 2-4 tabs of benadryl so I could just sleep through the day and not have to feel any mental anguish. This didn't last longer than a month, and I eventually stopped playing with benadryl.

However, in February of this year, my depressive headspace ultimately resulted in me abusing Benadryl over the span of a couple weeks, to a much higher degree. I started off with 150mg (6 tabs), and then the next time I would take 300mg, and then at one point I drove to a random parking lot in the middle of nowhere and took 600mg and slept in the back of my car. I ended up upsetting a lot of my friends with my wreckless behavior, and a rift began forming with some of my closest friends. I was simply over it.

This culminated in me taking 36 tabs/900mg and calling the ambulance on myself. I knew it wasn't enough to kill me, but I felt this unbearable urge to walk the line between life and death. Death is like a puddle that I just want to dip my toes in. I think maybe I just want the attention. I want my pain to feel validated. I want people to know how hurt I am, but simply talking about my feelings doesn't seem like enough. I feel like I need to give a demonstration. Like, check it out guys, I actually am batshit.

I haven't used benadryl since then, and my obsessive craving of the drug had subsided within a month or two of my overdose. Recently I've been thinking about it again. I was in the kitchen appliance aisle in Walmart today, and there was a lone box of benadryl that someone left on a random shelf. It didn't belong there. It almost felt like a sign, that maybe I should take it. Just in case.

I work a full time, entry-level job in my field. I should be glad. But I'm so burnt out. I'm so depressed and exhausted at the state of the world. I want to rot in my bed all day. I want to put myself in the emergency room again, but I don't want to spend another week in an institution. Being in the hospital felt like I was surrounded by strangers who cared about how I was doing. I think I'm a disgusting, manipulative person. I want to walk the line again.

 

[willitpass]

I can understand the desire to feel cared about, especially if you don't really receive it in other aspects of life. But you can do it in ways that aren't dangerous to you and traumatizing to those around you. You can go into the ER and tell them you want to hurt yourself and don't feel safe and get sent to the hospital without having to harm yourself. If you tell them you are intent on hurting yourself, have a plan, and don't feel you can keep yourself safe, they are very likely to admit you. That is much less traumatic to you and those around you. Playing with death is a very bad idea. You never know when your body won't be able to take it anymore and it stops being a game and becomes a reality.

 

[jujujabebe]

I can understand the desire to feel cared about, especially if you don't really receive it in other aspects of life. But you can do it in ways that aren't dangerous to you and traumatizing to those around you. You can go into the ER and tell them you want to hurt yourself and don't feel safe and get sent to the hospital without having to harm yourself. If you tell them you are intent on hurting yourself, have a plan, and don't feel you can keep yourself safe, they are very likely to admit you. That is much less traumatic to you and those around you. Playing with death is a very bad idea. You never know when your body won't be able to take it anymore and it stops being a game and becomes a reality.

I think the danger of it is what draws me in. I know that I can't kill myself for familial reasons, and I feel so trapped in this life. Bringing myself to the brink of death is one of the only things that gives me a sense of control. Like, if I can't die, at least I can get close, y'know? But you're right. It is traumatic and unfair to the people I care about. It feels like I lose no matter what. Thank you for responding.

 

[CatLove56]

Yeah I remember being in a hospital a few times and it's pretty interesting how you're suddenly so important but after that nobody cares anymore. Completely get that. I think there is some sort of truth in the stereotype of screaming for attention because people like us are trying to do that because nobody gives a crap otherwise. I don't even know what to say to you I'm just so sorry you feel that way because that's how I'm feeling right now just a complete loser that failed at life and is just so done with life. Been plenty of times I've been told I should be grateful for what I have and yeah that doesn't help me with anything.

 

[brokeandbroken]

Many years ago, there was a period of time where I would take 2-4 tabs of benadryl so I could just sleep through the day and not have to feel any mental anguish. This didn't last longer than a month, and I eventually stopped playing with benadryl.

However, in February of this year, my depressive headspace ultimately resulted in me abusing Benadryl over the span of a couple weeks, to a much higher degree. I started off with 150mg (6 tabs), and then the next time I would take 300mg, and then at one point I drove to a random parking lot in the middle of nowhere and took 600mg and slept in the back of my car. I ended up upsetting a lot of my friends with my wreckless behavior, and a rift began forming with some of my closest friends. I was simply over it.

This culminated in me taking 36 tabs/900mg and calling the ambulance on myself. I knew it wasn't enough to kill me, but I felt this unbearable urge to walk the line between life and death. Death is like a puddle that I just want to dip my toes in. I think maybe I just want the attention. I want my pain to feel validated. I want people to know how hurt I am, but simply talking about my feelings doesn't seem like enough. I feel like I need to give a demonstration. Like, check it out guys, I actually am batshit.

I haven't used benadryl since then, and my obsessive craving of the drug had subsided within a month or two of my overdose. Recently I've been thinking about it again. I was in the kitchen appliance aisle in Walmart today, and there was a lone box of benadryl that someone left on a random shelf. It didn't belong there. It almost felt like a sign, that maybe I should take it. Just in case.

I work a full time, entry-level job in my field. I should be glad. But I'm so burnt out. I'm so depressed and exhausted at the state of the world. I want to rot in my bed all day. I want to put myself in the emergency room again, but I don't want to spend another week in an institution. Being in the hospital felt like I was surrounded by strangers who cared about how I was doing. I think I'm a disgusting, manipulative person. I want to walk the line again.

If have been walking there for a long time. My life taken from me and now I am just a hollow shell of a human. Someone whose very essence has been destroyed and taken. Just existing. I am certainly not living any kind of life you want to live. Both life and death seem so far from me honestly.

 

[Reflection]

Yeah I remember being in a hospital a few times and it's pretty interesting how you're suddenly so important but after that nobody cares anymore. Completely get that. I think there is some sort of truth in the stereotype of screaming for attention because people like us are trying to do that because nobody gives a crap otherwise.

Mental and/or emotional pain is invisible to others and can't exactly be proven, which is why unless someone knows excatly what you're going through and why you aren't able to get out of it, then they simply won't care, and cries for help are also generally thought of as manipulative and attention seeking behavior.

Most wont give a crap unless they see a visible manifestation of that pain. i.e more often than not suicide. Of course by then it is too late, unless the attempt fails without leaving the vicitim with amy permanent damage.

 

[CatLove56]

Mental and/or emotional pain is invisible to others and can't exactly be proven, which is why unless someone knows excatly what you're going through and why you aren't able to get out of it, then they simply won't care, and cries for help are also generally thought of as manipulative and attention seeking behavior.

Most wont give a crap unless they see a visible manifestation of that pain. i.e more often than not suicide. Of course by then it is too late, unless the attempt fails without leaving the vicitim with amy permanent damage.

you know that reminds me of a dumb conversation I had with a suicide worker. I was told it's so sad how someone could have so much hate in their heart and all I said was "if people could see mental scars like a 3rd degree burn victim or a gun shot victim at a robbery then it would be taken more seriously" whatever doesn't matter but I see your point for sure.