Venting Wanting to tell people

[draw a circle]

Sometimes I just want to tell my friends that I want to die, simply because my friends used to tell me that. At least three of my friends had confessed to me about harming themselves or wanting to die. I always responded kindly, like telling them not to do it, ask for help, and if they did ask for help I encourage them and just generally be a normal friend and offer a place to talk. That was a few years ago, the most recent was in early 2020 but they seem to be doing well. It's just, I feel like it's not fair that they could talk to me and got supported but once they got better I couldn't talk to them the same way.

I desperately want to just say something to my closest friend, but I can't because it could potentially be triggering. This friend of mine used to be depressed and suicidal but he got therapy and is getting better, but I can't risk it just for my own satisfaction. I just want him to tell me it will be fine and that he will be there for me.

He once said to me that he believes that I'll always be here for him and that makes him not putting as much effort to keep me as a friend. I want to tell him partly because I want to show him that I could be gone anytime. It's not that I want to threaten him, not like "if you stop talking to me I'll kill myself!" kind of thing, but more like "I'm about to die, please just talk to me for one more day before I decided to do anything." Idk if this makes me a bad person. I haven't said anything to him though.

This is such a mess, haha. I don't even know if there's a point in this post, but I'm going to post it anyway.

 

[rainonme]

This is such a mess, haha. I don't even know if there's a point in this post, but I'm going to post it anyway.

No, I understand what you mean completely...it's obvious we want support that we're not getting.

I fear that I will just be labeled "toxic". I know that friends aren't therapists too.

 

[draw a circle]

No, I understand what you mean completely...it's obvious we want support that we're not getting.

I fear that I will just be labeled "toxic". I know that friends aren't therapists too.

Yeah.... I don't expect my friends to help extensively. I just want to be listened to. I never explicitly told anyone that I'm suicidal, mostly just a passing joke. I know there are people who probably would be kind to me if I tell them, but I don't feel comfortable with them. This is what I get for having like five friends, haha.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

This post was very eloquent. I can imagine you saying exactly these things to every one of the friends you mentioned. If they are not able to respond as you need, it's not because you can't communicate clearly, but because they cannot hear clearly. If they can hear, then you'll get the support you need from them, which you've already shown by example is effective and valuable, and you can remind them of that. Otherwise, they're more vampires who fed off of your life force for their own benefit rather than genuine friends, who would be reciprocal, which feeds life force in the friendship.

 

[NekoNomNom]

It's not that I want to threaten him, not like "if you stop talking to me I'll kill myself!" kind of thing, but more like "I'm about to die, please just talk to me for one more day before I decided to do anything."

I never thought about it in that way before, and it makes perfect sense. I think that explains a specific feeling I would get when I would hang around my friends. While my friends know that I'm suicidal, I haven't made an attempt in over a month. I've avoided the subject for some time now, because nobody likes a downer. They think that I've "magically gotten better," even though I've blatantly stated that I haven't.

Furthermore, it kills me that I can't express myself freely to people I care about, without being met by judgement, ridicule, and resistance.

 

[draw a circle]

I never thought about it in that way before, and it makes perfect sense. I think that explains a specific feeling I would get when I would hang around my friends. While my friends know that I'm suicidal, I haven't made an attempt in over a month. I've avoided the subject for some time now, because nobody likes a downer. They think that I've "magically gotten better," even though I've blatantly stated that I haven't.

Furthermore, it kills me that I can't express myself freely to people I care about, without being met by judgement, ridicule, and resistance.

Ikr? The friend I mentioned also said that I've been so sad and withdrawn lately that I'm not fun, but that's the point. I am not fun because I literally want to die! I could never find a way to talk about this to anyone, so I just act like nothing is wrong.

And yeah, the society (lol) I'm living in doesn't take kindly to suicide and depression. I had to listen to my uncle mocking those korean idols suicide cases while I'm sitting there contemplating it myself. It could be really hard.... I hope the best will come to us.

 

[draw a circle]

Coming back here because I have something related to the title. Should I tell someone about this? I have a friend that has been friends with me for 10 years. He used to be depressed and suicidal but he underwent therapy and meds and now he's lots better. Back when he was still depressed he would talk to me when he's feeling down (not only me though there are other friends).

Now that I really want to ctb, I want to talk about this with him first because I feel like I'd want him to tell me first if he ever feels like this. But I'm scared that this would be triggering for him and I don't want to set his recovery back. I'm also scared that he would think differently of me. A few years back we really got each other's back but now he has other online friends that is just as fun if not more than me, so I'm worried that he'd just cast me aside now that I'm just a sad person to be around with. I tried not to show that I'm like this to him though. Anyway most of my worries are just my anxiety manifesting like hell, they are unfounded.

I do have other friends, but I don't want to tell my other best friends about this because they never talked to me about being depressed or suicidal and the likes, and they would just tell me what I've been telling my depressed friends. Maybe I was the problem....

In another timeline, I could be discussing ctb methods with him or he could encourage me to go to therapy and we'll go through it together. But when he was depressed I was still fine, and now that I'm hitting rock bottom he's the happiest he's been in years. I should just go quietly and leave him in this stupid fucking world. Which one would be better, to tell or not to tell?