Wanting to say thank you.

[Sweet emotion]

I never imagined that when I joined this group I'd find an extended family that cares about me and that I'd meet people that check in on me every day. I never thought I'd find such compassion and such unconditional friendship. I'm closer to a lot of you than I am to my own family. And I want you all to know something. No matter what is wrong with you, no matter what mental disorders anyone may have or physical illnesses, you are ten times more sane than the people I am dealing with. You are all so kind and compassionate and understanding. You all have been dealt horrible hands in life and you don't deserve what is happening to you. Many of you have kept me going and I wanted to stick around longer to be a part of your lives. To help you in any way that I could. Since my death is coming shortly I just told off two people that sided with my mother when she put her hands on me and made it impossible for me to have any use of my right hand or arm. It may as well be amputated. When I told everyone on here about it, they understood. They know it's not right to put your hands on anyone especially your daughter who has the highest ranking nerve disease in medical history. She took a part of my body away. Shke took my ability to write, read, type do anything that anyone would use their right hand for. Doesn't matter which hand it is. But I do miss writing. You need your left hand too. Showering and drying my hair? Forget about it. I just poured out my feelings to her no matter how ridiculous she thought I sounded and I got nothing back. I have a mirror in my room and I'm able to see her in the living room through it. She was on her tablet and her face was stone cold. How can a mother turn on her daughter in a split second? Feelings and all. I know I'm 34 but she's been taking care of me since I was 20 when I got sick. You all have been wonderful to me. Exceptional. It breaks my heart that people with such good hearts are suffering so much. I have lot of love in my heart for so many of you. I don't want to mention people's real names but I think you know if you're one of those people. Whether you decide to CTB or not, I wish each and every one of you nothing but peace and love and happiness. I know how hard those things are to find. And if you decide to CTB I wish you the best of luck and hope your first attempt is your last attempt. Thank you for being by my side when there was no one else I had to turn to. You're all in my heart.

All my love
Audriana

 

[WhiteDespair]

Best wishes. I can relate to that story in a few places so it hits a little close to home. It's an awful position. Again, best wishes.

 

[Hunter100]

Please don't take this the wrong way but I thought she grabbed your arm because you grabbed a knife and actually sliced her with it. I'm sorry if I read your previous story wrong.... it wouldn't be the first time

 

[Girobatol]

I´m so sad that your end has come like this. What have doctors said about your arm and hand? Is disgusting how it happened. You don´t deserve this shit and hope that you get a peaceful ctb.

 

[Lethe]

Please don't take this the wrong way but I thought she grabbed your arm because you grabbed a knife and actually sliced her with it. I'm sorry if I read your previous story wrong.... it wouldn't be the first time

Wtf?

 

[JimFord99]

Hey, sweet-emotion, take it easy for a while, we are here for you, if you need to talk ...

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

I have such a soft spot for you, darling. Will always be here for you when you need me. x

 

[Sweet emotion]

Please don't take this the wrong way but I thought she grabbed your arm because you grabbed a knife and actually sliced her with it. I'm sorry if I read your previous story wrong.... it wouldn't be the first time

Yes you read the post wrong. After coming at me seven times with her fist balled up ready to punch me I ran into the kitchen to get a knife just to tell her to back off. She came at me again and grabbed my arm and wrist. When she let me go and came at me again I just waved the knife and accidentally cut her arm. I just wanted her to get away from me and stop hurtng me.

I´m so sad that your end has come like this. What have doctors said about your arm and hand? Is disgusting how it happened. You don´t deserve this shit and hope that you get a peaceful ctb.

The doctors haven't said anything about it yet because I haven't seen them. But it's all part of the disease I have, the agonizing pain, which they are unable to do anything about. So no matter what happens to me I'm just destined to be in pain. She just took away the little bit of happiness I had left. She was my happiness. She was my friend. She was my mom who protected me no matter what. But this isn't the first time she's hurt me. It's the first time I can't forgive her though. I wasn't ready to die this soon. I had a time picked out and she stole that from me. When you can't use your rm anymore.....well you don't see any reason for living anymore. And this is my dominant hand and arm. The pain spread to other places as well. I poured my heart out to her today and got back silence. She's just checked out. I never in my life thought something my mother did to me was going to be the final straw.

I have such a soft spot for you, darling. Will always be here for you when you need me. x

I know. I have a great deal if love for you as well. I'll be here for a few more days until I'm not anymore.

Hey, sweet-emotion, take it easy for a while, we are here for you, if you need to talk ...

I know. But nothing is changing or will change for the better. That is just the condition I have. It will only get worse. And my mother has been so callous and evil and cold throughout all of this. She doesn't care anymore and my heart is broken. I can't use my right arm or hand anymore. Imagine in the blink of an eye having your arm taken from you. I can't live here with her and look at her every day and be reminded of what she did to me. She's so sarcastic still about anything I say. She hates me. I can't take having my mother hating me. She disgusting. I can't forgive her anymore. This isn't the first time she's hurt me. And I've made excuses for her in the past. I never thought my mom would turn on me. She's always been so wonderful and that is why this hurts even more. She changed in a split second.

Wtf?

Yeah that's not how it happened at all.

 

[JimFord99]

Have you ever thought about leaving home, I mean really leaving, start somewhere else on your own?

 

[Rachel74]

Sending you hugs
Don't let this woman destroy you anymore. Don't let her win this. You have got this

 

[onlyinsleep]

Have you ever thought about leaving home, I mean really leaving, start somewhere else on your own?

She's disabled. How would you suggest she do that??

 

[Jean4]

Know that we will be here for you when it's your time. Sending you love.

 

[Haku]

I never really got to talk to you, but I have been following alot of your posts, and my soul hurts for you, you are a very kind person and I wish things could have gone better for you. You seem like someone that deserves the world, and I am sorry that your you and your mother are not getting along, and I'm sorry for the pain she caused you, but I hope that she will feel sorry for what she has done to you, and hope that you both can forgive each other and that you get to feel each others love before you pass. I hope you departure will end up being a peaceful one. Much love to you Sweet Emotions and safe travels. And I know you will probably not leave right away, so I will say goodbye to you when you are about to depart and leave a goodbye post.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Sending you hugs ❤
Don't let this woman destroy you anymore. Don't let her win this. You have got this ❤

No I don't have this. You don't understand the pain. No one could. I know I read you had cancer and I'm so sorry for that but with cancer you either get better or die and are put out if your misery. I pray for cancer so I can resist treatment and die, that is how be Complex regional pain syndrome is. You're in hell every second of every day and there are no treatments or cures. There are worse things on this Earth than death and this is one of them. It's the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. 14 years and counting is quite enough for me. I can't do anything for myself. I literally can't live life. I'm just rotting away. It's ok to want to die.

Have you ever thought about leaving home, I mean really leaving, start somewhere else on your own?

How can I do that when I can't physically care for myself? I can't even pick up a jar of peanut butter. Everyone underestimates this disease. I can't do anything on my own except sleep. People need to be more informed about this disease. And what you read on the internet doesn't even come close to what people go through. I can't drive. I can't grocery shop. I can't bend over. I can't cook. There's no way I'd be able to just take off. And the pain is so excruciating what would I be running off to? Certainly not a better life. There is no cure or help for me. I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life!

She's disabled. How would you suggest she do that??

Omg I'm so glad you said that because even though he meant well that question pissed me off. Some people just don't get it. Either that or they don't read. Thank you for understanding.

I never really got to talk to you, but I have been following alot of your posts, and my soul hurts for you, you are a very kind person and I wish things could have gone better for you. You seem like someone that deserves the world, and I am sorry that your you and your mother are not getting along, and I'm sorry for the pain she caused you, but I hope that she will feel sorry for what she has done to you, and hope that you both can forgive each other and that you get to feel each others love before you pass. I hope you departure will end up being a peaceful one. Much love to you Sweet Emotions and safe travels. And I know you will probably not leave right away, so I will say goodbye to you when you are about to depart and leave a goodbye post.

Thank you so much for those kind words. But I have nothing to apologize to her about. This was all her doing. The reason we got into the fight and the reason I'm hurt. But you're a sweet person and I appreciate you reaching out to me very much.

 

[Rachel74]

Apologies I don't understand your pain. Sorry if my comment offended you.

 

[WhiteDespair]

You never need to apologize for self defense.

 

[Hunter100]

Thank you for clarifying that. My mom also used to be my best friend. Now it sadly seems like she is actually trying to sabotage my career and other relationships. It's oretty sick. I'm so sorry, you should never feel like you have to arm yourself against your own mom.

No I don't have this. You don't understand the pain. No one could. I know I read you had cancer and I'm so sorry for that but with cancer you either get better or die and are put out if your misery. I pray for cancer so I can resist treatment and die, that is how be Complex regional pain syndrome is. You're in hell every second of every day and there are no treatments or cures. There are worse things on this Earth than death and this is one of them. It's the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. 14 years and counting is quite enough for me. I can't do anything for myself. I literally can't live life. I'm just rotting away. It's ok to want to die.

I know you're in pain. I can only imagine, but this is kinda fucked up to invalidate people with cancer. This isn't a contest on who hurts more or worse. Everyone handles pain/disease/cancer different. I know my grandpa wasted away into a shell and suffered for years with terminally cancer. He ended up dying after he coughed up his own lung. I get you're in pain but that doesn't mean others aren't as well.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Thank you for clarifying that. My mom also used to be my best friend. Now it sadly seems like she is actually trying to sabotage my career and other relationships. It's oretty sick. I'm so sorry, you should never feel like you have to arm yourself against your own mom.

I know you're in pain. I can only imagine, but this is kinda fucked up to invalidate people with cancer. This isn't a contest on who hurts more or worse. Everyone handles pain/disease/cancer different. I know my grandpa wasted away into a shell and suffered for years with terminally cancer. He ended up dying after he coughed up his own lung. I get you're in pain but that doesn't mean others aren't as well.

I never said others aren't in pain. But what I am saying is that there are treatments for cancer and people live and get better from it. My father died from it. He didn't suffer nearly as much as I do. I'm just saying there is hope with cancer. There is no hope with this disease and it doesn't get treated nearly as important as cancer does. You say cancer and people gasp. You say crps and people look at you like you have three heads because it doesn't get talked about or taught about in medical school. And with cancer you don't suffer for the rest of your life is what I'm saying. You either live or die. With this unless you kill yourself you suffer forever. And I'm sorry but it's true. Unless you haven't experienced drps pain for yourself, you'll never understand the pain. I didn't say people arent in pain. They will never understand this pain.

 

[WhiteDespair]

I never said others aren't in pain. But what I am saying is that there are treatments for cancer and people live and get better from it. My father died from it. He didn't suffer nearly as much as I do. I'm just saying there is hope with cancer. There is no hope with this disease and it doesn't get treated nearly as important as cancer does. You say cancer and people gasp. You say crps and people look at you like you have three heads because it doesn't get talked about or taught about in medical school. And with cancer you don't suffer for the rest of your life is what I'm saying. You either live or die. With this unless you kill yourself you suffer forever. And I'm sorry but it's true. Unless you haven't experienced drps pain for yourself, you'll never understand the pain. I didn't say people arent in pain. They will never understand this pain.

It doesn't help that CRPS doesn't accurately describe the qualitative effects or produce emotional resonance. It's quantitaively accurate. It's so dull and clinical. It's like SARS.

You're correct in that people don't understand your pain. What is the most, consistent, frequent pain that people experience? Headaches? Sore muscles from the gym? I wouldn't know what it's like to lose complete mobility because someone grabbed my arm. You're tough.

Best wishes.

 

[Sweet emotion]

It doesn't help that CRPS doesn't accurately describe the qualitative effects or produce emotional resonance. It's quantitaively accurate. It's so dull and clinical. It's like SARS.

You're correct in that people don't understand your pain. What is the most, consistent, frequent pain that people experience? Headaches? Sore muscles from the gym? I wouldn't know what it's like to lose complete mobility because someone grabbed my arm. You're tough.

Best wishes.

It doesn't help that CRPS doesn't accurately describe the qualitative effects or produce emotional resonance. It's quantitaively accurate. It's so dull and clinical. It's like SARS.

You're correct in that people don't understand your pain. What is the most, consistent, frequent pain that people experience? Headaches? Sore muscles from the gym? I wouldn't know what it's like to lose complete mobility because someone grabbed my arm. You're tough.

Best wishes.

Thank you very much. And this isn't even me saying it's the worst pain condition in medical history. If people look up something called the McGill pain scale CRPS is at the top. A 48 out of 50 pain level and everything, even cancer is half that pain. This pain comes from a problem with the brain and spinal chord that is constantly sending false pain signals also to the nerves in the body at a rapid pace and they never shut down or respond much to any and I mean any pain medication. I hate when people judge a disease they don't know and no one except those who get crps knows about crps because it's not talked about like the all important cancer.

 

[Mloureiro]

I think you have a beautiful name for a start and also a beautiful soul. I feel so sorry for there is nothing any of us can do to help. But you have my prayers, my virtual hug and my admiration. And my mother is a bitch as well, that much I understand of your situation.

Sending lots of love and support. And if there is anything I can do, I am on this side. You are very strong

 

[Deleted member 1465]

No one can ever really understand someone else's pain. I wish I could help. I'm here for you as much as I can be. I think a lot of others will be too.

 

[JimFord99]

I was more inclined to say leave and go into care, however, depending in which country you live in, this might be difficult. I meant no offence, really. So, yeah, I do understand your situation.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I was more inclined to say leave and go into care, however, depending in which country you live in, this might be difficult. I meant no offence, really. So, yeah, I do understand your situation.

Go into what kind of care? Physical? I can't be helped. Mental? I don't want to live in pain the rest of my life. I've been evaluated over and over and there is nothing wrong with me. Are you one of those pro lifers? I'm an American.

Thank you for clarifying that. My mom also used to be my best friend. Now it sadly seems like she is actually trying to sabotage my career and other relationships. It's oretty sick. I'm so sorry, you should never feel like you have to arm yourself against your own mom.

I know you're in pain. I can only imagine, but this is kinda fucked up to invalidate people with cancer. This isn't a contest on who hurts more or worse. Everyone handles pain/disease/cancer different. I know my grandpa wasted away into a shell and suffered for years with terminally cancer. He ended up dying after he coughed up his own lung. I get you're in pain but that doesn't mean others aren't as well.

Your grandfather literally coughed up his own lung? Like it came out of his mouth?

 

[Hunter100]

Go into what kind of care? Physical? I can't be helped. Mental? I don't want to live in pain the rest of my life. I've been evaluated over and over and there is nothing wrong with me. Are you one of those pro lifers? I'm an American.

Your grandfather literally coughed up his own lung? Like it came out of his mouth?

Yes! It was a horror scene that I will never forget. There was huge chucks of what looked like prices of organs all over the carpet also. He ended up rupturing a lung and died in his own blood. So your comments regarding cancer are completely naive. People just don't "get better or die"
They suffer horribly, sometimes for years in the most painful ways. Sorry but your comments have blown my mind.
Actually a lot has. But I'll leave it at that.

 

[WhiteDespair]

Yes! It was a horror scene that I will never forget. There was huge chucks of what looked like prices of organs all over the carpet also. He ended up rupturing a lung and died in his own blood. So your comments regarding cancer are completely naive. People just don't "get better or die"
They suffer horribly, sometimes for years in the most painful ways. Sorry but your comments have blown my mind.
Actually a lot has. But I'll leave it at that.

Yeesh. That is unpleasant all around. Not cool that you saw it. Condolences.

 

[JimFord99]

Go into what kind of care? Physical? I can't be helped. Mental? I don't want to live in pain the rest of my life. I've been evaluated over and over and there is nothing wrong with me. Are you one of those pro lifers? I'm an American.

No, I am not a pro lifer. Definitely not. I am almost finished. But surely, there must be a way to control pain. You say you have been evaluated over and over, surely hey must have diagnosed you with something or are they that thick? No offence but you clearly have a condition. What exactly were they evaluating or examinating?

 

[*KNAZ*]

What a well written and thoughtful post. I feel the same way. I wish I could take away everyone's pain, disability, sadness, and despair. You all are so kind and compassionate. Some of the most deeply feeling hearts. It breaks my heart to see so many good people hurting. People who deserve so much more than what life has given. Wish I could create a special heaven for all of us.

 

[Sweet emotion]

What a well written and thoughtful post. I feel the same way. I wish I could take away everyone's pain, disability, sadness, and despair. You all are so kind and compassionate. Some of the most deeply feeling hearts. It breaks my heart to see so many good people hurting. People who deserve so much more than what life has given. Wish I could create a special heaven for all of us.

Thank you very much. That is very sweet of you.

No, I am not a pro lifer. Definitely not. I am almost finished. But surely, there must be a way to control pain. You say you have been evaluated over and over, surely hey must have diagnosed you with something or are they that thick? No offence but you clearly have a condition. What exactly were they evaluating or examinating?

Whoo! Oh boy! Ok I'm going to be kind here. I have something called complex regional pain syndrome which doesn't respond to pain medication. If you knew what crps is you'd understand why. No there is not always a way to control pain. And examinating is not a word. It's examining. I don't have enough time to teach you about this disease and why it's the hardest disease to treat. It's as if you don't want to believe me or something.

Yeesh. That is unpleasant all around. Not cool that you saw it. Condolences.

Well eventually they do die don't they? I'm very sorry what happened to your grandfather and all he had to go through.

Yeesh. That is unpleasant all around. Not cool that you saw it. Condolences.

Well eventually they do die don't they? I'm very sorry what happened to your grandfather and all he had to go through.

I was more inclined to say leave and go into care, however, depending in which country you live in, this might be difficult. I meant no offence, really. So, yeah, I do understand your situation.

Stop saying you understand my situation when you obviously, by the remarks you're making don't understand one day!n thing about it. And it's not offence it's offense. Just for the other people who you plan to offend.

 

[*KNAZ*]

No, I am not a pro lifer. Definitely not. I am almost finished. But surely, there must be a way to control pain. You say you have been evaluated over and over, surely hey must have diagnosed you with something or are they that thick? No offence but you clearly have a condition. What exactly were they evaluating or examinating?

Jim please stop. Just stop.