akira.kewl
joy is a scam made by dentists to sell more smiles
- Dec 4, 2025
- 12
It feels silly, to let someone control my life this way, letting someone I haven't been close to in years dictate my will to keep existing. I try to move on, I try to get over it. I remind myself that what they did to me wasn't that big of a deal, we were only kids (teens), and sure it hurt me, but it's really nothing to be lingering on for this long. But then again, when you've been revolving your entire life around someone since early childhood, how else are you supposed to react to half of your identity poisoning your side, betraying your trust and violating you in every way possible, and having to tear such a vital part of your life off? How could you not bleed out eternally?
I thought it'd hurt less the more time went on. I thought I'd get better, feel better, become normal, I was told time would ease the pain. And it seemed like it did. But every time I see that fucking name, I'm flooded with emotions. Rage, sorrow, disgust, regret, longing, so many things that make me just want to die immediately.
I hate the way they can move on like I was never even there, after telling me how they'd be nothing without me when I tried to leave. I hate the way they don't take any of their actions seriously. I hate the way they just keep hurting people and I can't do anything to stop it and their fandom just forgives them (they're a fairly popular microcelebrity). When I tried to warn people by speaking up about the SA, it just ended in me getting told to kill myself by even more people! So that's awesome!
I just genuinely don't know what to do. I want to believe people when they tell me I can heal and forget about them, but how will I ever when every time I stitch it up, it gets infected and I need to rip them out again? It's like my entire life revolves around them at this point, it's all anyone knows me for, it's all I know myself for, no matter how hard I try not to think about them, not to talk about them, not to check their social media.
It's hard not to be paranoid when it's so, so easy for them to harass me & leak secrets of mine every time they get bored of me not talking about them. It's hard not to be paranoid when, despite being so much more fortunate than me, they have nothing better to do with their time than to stalk me, so I feel anxious about posting anything because what if they see it and laugh at my suffering and use it against me? What if they find another alias of mine and reveal my identity to make people hate me?
I can't do ANYTHING without being monitored by them, I don't know how they always find me, but they do. When WPlace was popular, they drew things on top of my irl house and would write libel next to my drawings (like accusing me of being racist). And I can't simply go private because I'm disabled & lacking spaces where I can actually go and do things, so basically all of my life is online. They never cross the line to a legally punishable extent, just enough to upset me, so I have no choice but to live in fear. And it feels like I can't hold them accountable for it considering I'm not much better when it comes to looking at their pages, but at the very least I only look at public things, I'm not the one making 20 accounts to block evade.
Even when they aren't actively doing such things, they still randomly cross my mind and something as simple as a word can remind me of them and sends me into a panic attack. It's silly considering all of their abuse was emotional aside from one small SA so I don't think I have that much to fear, but what can I say, my nervous system is dramatic.
I can't help but wonder if I put myself in this situation. A couple years back, we were no-contact, and I actually did achieve healing. I'd forgotten about them, I never thought about them, and I was happy by myself. Then they DM'ed me asking to reconnect. And I fucking said yes. I don't know why, I knew it was stupid, I knew I didn't need them, I knew I'd regret it. But I said yes. We only dated for another month or two after that before we broke up for the final time, but now I haven't gotten anywhere near how I was at that time. I could've been okay, but I fucked it up and let them deal one last finishing blow.
But it's not really about their actions. It's about their existence, and the loathing that I harbor for it. I genuinely don't know how to stop that constant feeling of anxiety, of unjust, of sadness. That constant need to "get away", but there's nowhere to get away to. As long as I am alive, they will be too. I can't handle that fact.
I don't know if I'm wording any of this right, I could be attributing all the wrong feelings to all the wrong things. I've never heard anyone explain this feeling well, it feels like nobody understands. But it doesn't change the fact that one single person who sure, is a manipulative narcissist, but isn't the devil or anything, has ruined my life through a couple bad actions ricocheting through my head and causing me to self-destruct, my ego eroding to an extent where I can't bear to be alive.
I don't know why I'm like this, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it, since I can't get into therapy. I don't want my will to live to be entirely dependent on whether or not someone I hate is suffering, because it just places a moving goal post where I'll want their life to be worse and worse to an unrealistic extent and I'll never really get better.
Please don't tell me I'm crazy or overreacting or that I'm just young. Has anyone else had similar experiences? What did you do about it?
I thought it'd hurt less the more time went on. I thought I'd get better, feel better, become normal, I was told time would ease the pain. And it seemed like it did. But every time I see that fucking name, I'm flooded with emotions. Rage, sorrow, disgust, regret, longing, so many things that make me just want to die immediately.
I hate the way they can move on like I was never even there, after telling me how they'd be nothing without me when I tried to leave. I hate the way they don't take any of their actions seriously. I hate the way they just keep hurting people and I can't do anything to stop it and their fandom just forgives them (they're a fairly popular microcelebrity). When I tried to warn people by speaking up about the SA, it just ended in me getting told to kill myself by even more people! So that's awesome!
I just genuinely don't know what to do. I want to believe people when they tell me I can heal and forget about them, but how will I ever when every time I stitch it up, it gets infected and I need to rip them out again? It's like my entire life revolves around them at this point, it's all anyone knows me for, it's all I know myself for, no matter how hard I try not to think about them, not to talk about them, not to check their social media.
It's hard not to be paranoid when it's so, so easy for them to harass me & leak secrets of mine every time they get bored of me not talking about them. It's hard not to be paranoid when, despite being so much more fortunate than me, they have nothing better to do with their time than to stalk me, so I feel anxious about posting anything because what if they see it and laugh at my suffering and use it against me? What if they find another alias of mine and reveal my identity to make people hate me?
I can't do ANYTHING without being monitored by them, I don't know how they always find me, but they do. When WPlace was popular, they drew things on top of my irl house and would write libel next to my drawings (like accusing me of being racist). And I can't simply go private because I'm disabled & lacking spaces where I can actually go and do things, so basically all of my life is online. They never cross the line to a legally punishable extent, just enough to upset me, so I have no choice but to live in fear. And it feels like I can't hold them accountable for it considering I'm not much better when it comes to looking at their pages, but at the very least I only look at public things, I'm not the one making 20 accounts to block evade.
Even when they aren't actively doing such things, they still randomly cross my mind and something as simple as a word can remind me of them and sends me into a panic attack. It's silly considering all of their abuse was emotional aside from one small SA so I don't think I have that much to fear, but what can I say, my nervous system is dramatic.
I can't help but wonder if I put myself in this situation. A couple years back, we were no-contact, and I actually did achieve healing. I'd forgotten about them, I never thought about them, and I was happy by myself. Then they DM'ed me asking to reconnect. And I fucking said yes. I don't know why, I knew it was stupid, I knew I didn't need them, I knew I'd regret it. But I said yes. We only dated for another month or two after that before we broke up for the final time, but now I haven't gotten anywhere near how I was at that time. I could've been okay, but I fucked it up and let them deal one last finishing blow.
But it's not really about their actions. It's about their existence, and the loathing that I harbor for it. I genuinely don't know how to stop that constant feeling of anxiety, of unjust, of sadness. That constant need to "get away", but there's nowhere to get away to. As long as I am alive, they will be too. I can't handle that fact.
I don't know if I'm wording any of this right, I could be attributing all the wrong feelings to all the wrong things. I've never heard anyone explain this feeling well, it feels like nobody understands. But it doesn't change the fact that one single person who sure, is a manipulative narcissist, but isn't the devil or anything, has ruined my life through a couple bad actions ricocheting through my head and causing me to self-destruct, my ego eroding to an extent where I can't bear to be alive.
I don't know why I'm like this, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it, since I can't get into therapy. I don't want my will to live to be entirely dependent on whether or not someone I hate is suffering, because it just places a moving goal post where I'll want their life to be worse and worse to an unrealistic extent and I'll never really get better.
Please don't tell me I'm crazy or overreacting or that I'm just young. Has anyone else had similar experiences? What did you do about it?
