Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
I'll be sleeping on and off today. Just like yesterday. I'm still sick. So this is like day 3. Fuckkkkkkkk I have flare-ups with my chronic health issue but I don't usually get a cold or the flu very often. I thought this was the bullshit that's been happening this yr, where my throat hurts from extreme stress. But nah that goes away within a day.
Plus the other bodily symptoms I'm having. I dunno why but being physically ill on top of suicidal just really makes me feel some feelings that my brain can't put into words rn. Not good feelings either.
I feel really detached this last week. I dunno if the sickness is contributing or the seemingly life long battle with suicidality is just dragging me down as usual.
But I just feel... empty? Not full of love as per my usual self? Not full of hate either. Just... empty. I don't feel much? Maybe sadness or smthin. Could be numb bc of all the pain the recent abuse & neglect is causing. Like that would make sense...
My Dad said he'll "talk to me tmrw when he is off" he's not coming. Which again I don't cate about bc I just wanna be alone. but the lack of care does bother me. It does hurt me. The fact that he doesn't even have the guts to say it either? Really bothers me. But the feelings even within that are muted. I'm used to this. No one in my family actually loves me or cares about me. To them im a burden so oh well.
Especially now that im sick being cared for physically would've been nice but he doesn't care and u can't force people to care.
So this weekend I will spend in and out of sleep. Waiting for my god damn throat to stop hurting. But does it even matter? Ig kinda. Brain fog is present and I can't CTB with that. But brain fog isn't that bad tbh... I am at a point of thinking of rope, practicing and seeing where that goes. Plus finding a place to hang said rope... I think I have some spaces here but not 100% sure. If I don't here then a hotel or AirBNB with a private balcony maybe
The only other method I see working for me is SN but who the fuck at this point can find one pure enough that ships to Canada. Kinda sick of the search tbh.
Plus the apathy plus desperation to stop living allows for me to delve into more physically involved methods.
These are my first thoughts waking up and the thoughts I have falling asleep. Im not ok. And that doesn't really matter either. I just want the chance I need to leave this world.
Plus the other bodily symptoms I'm having. I dunno why but being physically ill on top of suicidal just really makes me feel some feelings that my brain can't put into words rn. Not good feelings either.
I feel really detached this last week. I dunno if the sickness is contributing or the seemingly life long battle with suicidality is just dragging me down as usual.
But I just feel... empty? Not full of love as per my usual self? Not full of hate either. Just... empty. I don't feel much? Maybe sadness or smthin. Could be numb bc of all the pain the recent abuse & neglect is causing. Like that would make sense...
My Dad said he'll "talk to me tmrw when he is off" he's not coming. Which again I don't cate about bc I just wanna be alone. but the lack of care does bother me. It does hurt me. The fact that he doesn't even have the guts to say it either? Really bothers me. But the feelings even within that are muted. I'm used to this. No one in my family actually loves me or cares about me. To them im a burden so oh well.
Especially now that im sick being cared for physically would've been nice but he doesn't care and u can't force people to care.
So this weekend I will spend in and out of sleep. Waiting for my god damn throat to stop hurting. But does it even matter? Ig kinda. Brain fog is present and I can't CTB with that. But brain fog isn't that bad tbh... I am at a point of thinking of rope, practicing and seeing where that goes. Plus finding a place to hang said rope... I think I have some spaces here but not 100% sure. If I don't here then a hotel or AirBNB with a private balcony maybe
The only other method I see working for me is SN but who the fuck at this point can find one pure enough that ships to Canada. Kinda sick of the search tbh.
Plus the apathy plus desperation to stop living allows for me to delve into more physically involved methods.
These are my first thoughts waking up and the thoughts I have falling asleep. Im not ok. And that doesn't really matter either. I just want the chance I need to leave this world.