shadow999
Student
- Sep 6, 2024
- 107
Hi
I am wanting to CTB pretty soon. I have had 2 attempts, one I chickened out (was just OD on psych meds, not a great plan I know) but I called for help.
Then I tried to OD on aspirin( I was desperate) which was so messy and a family member found me. Spent about 3 weeks in a psych ward, it was a nightmare.
So I am trying to plan my next attempt a little better. Might just do full suspension at home, although there was a method with citric acid and baking soda making it a C02 method which looked feasible...not against working with inert gases although I live with family and am virtually flat broke so there is some issue there.
I am so tired. I suffered from years of psychosis which just took everything from me. Every day is a futile battle.
I no longer feel joy or really any emotion, I can barely even cry. I basically feel disassociated all the time and am in unrelenting anguish.
I want a way out of this living hell. I have tried therapy and an outpatient program for about 6 or 7 months, nothing helps. I am literally being told by mental healthcare professionals: "fake it till you make it". Been on maybe 10 different medications during that time and none of them do anything.
Needless to say behavioral activation does nothing for me. I even tried ECT which felt somewhat euphoric at first but in the long run didn't help my depression. I just feel numb. I can't even enjoy music or art anymore :(. But I don't mean to vent just want to give some background here as to what my situation is.
I wish I could go to Netherlands or Belgium for their assisted death programs but it just doesn't seem feasible as a foreigner,
plus it takes 5 years residency in each country before becoming a citizen. Socializing is impossible for me nowadays so I don't see
moving there happening unfortunately. I don't have that kind of energy or vision for future planning.
So upset MAID in Canada got yet another delay on it's mental health expansion, Canadian citizenship is feasible for me but the prospect of waiting till 2027 is daunting.
I wouldn't be opposed to obtaining N(not the inert gas in this instance) but it seems a bit difficult.
If you care to notice I have done at least the preliminary amount of research as far as suicide goes, at least in my opinion.
If anyone cares to comment and point me towards any relevant or resonant resources, I would greatly appreciate it.
Thanks for reading.
I am wanting to CTB pretty soon. I have had 2 attempts, one I chickened out (was just OD on psych meds, not a great plan I know) but I called for help.
Then I tried to OD on aspirin( I was desperate) which was so messy and a family member found me. Spent about 3 weeks in a psych ward, it was a nightmare.
So I am trying to plan my next attempt a little better. Might just do full suspension at home, although there was a method with citric acid and baking soda making it a C02 method which looked feasible...not against working with inert gases although I live with family and am virtually flat broke so there is some issue there.
I am so tired. I suffered from years of psychosis which just took everything from me. Every day is a futile battle.
I no longer feel joy or really any emotion, I can barely even cry. I basically feel disassociated all the time and am in unrelenting anguish.
I want a way out of this living hell. I have tried therapy and an outpatient program for about 6 or 7 months, nothing helps. I am literally being told by mental healthcare professionals: "fake it till you make it". Been on maybe 10 different medications during that time and none of them do anything.
Needless to say behavioral activation does nothing for me. I even tried ECT which felt somewhat euphoric at first but in the long run didn't help my depression. I just feel numb. I can't even enjoy music or art anymore :(. But I don't mean to vent just want to give some background here as to what my situation is.
I wish I could go to Netherlands or Belgium for their assisted death programs but it just doesn't seem feasible as a foreigner,
plus it takes 5 years residency in each country before becoming a citizen. Socializing is impossible for me nowadays so I don't see
moving there happening unfortunately. I don't have that kind of energy or vision for future planning.
So upset MAID in Canada got yet another delay on it's mental health expansion, Canadian citizenship is feasible for me but the prospect of waiting till 2027 is daunting.
I wouldn't be opposed to obtaining N(not the inert gas in this instance) but it seems a bit difficult.
If you care to notice I have done at least the preliminary amount of research as far as suicide goes, at least in my opinion.
If anyone cares to comment and point me towards any relevant or resonant resources, I would greatly appreciate it.
Thanks for reading.
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