Innumerable hugs to you also from here. What can I say about me and my story? If I could tell my story, then probably I had not to chose this extreme path. Indeed I lost all of me, all my languages, all my desires, all my perceptions, all of my expression, all of my self. Now I'm just an Immigrant to myself. Can a story ever be written without any character? Where it begins, it finishes there. Still If anything to be spoken about me, it is more or less tantamount to all who are battling with mental disturbances. If there was really free will, and had the option to choose between physical and mental imperfection, I'd happily choose the first forever. I could happily let all my organs to disappear except a brain, a beautyful and sound brain would have been enough for me to live thousands more life. If anyone looses the proper functioning of Brain (physically), or Mind (psychologically), what resource is left for him to live even a single day? How can he convince himself to breath anymore, to see the sunshine again, to tolerate the moonlight again? It is true that If I had been born with such poor intellect, it would not create much distress to me. But you know, I was exceptionally talented student during my schooldays. I had so much dreams to have something, to be someone. But some sort of enemy chemicals in my brain destroyed all. All my possibilitis and potentialities went into vain. Still, I have fought hard with all my remaining strength since the last 8 years. But it is utterly impossible to fight at two different battlefields (internally and externally) at once, being a single soldier. You know, our little planet is inhabited by an alarming amount of population, especially in the second or third world country like India. So there is, and always remain a fierce ongoing struggle among individual for survival. Someone can continue his fierce struggle to secure a place for him to sand upon as long as he is fit internally. So for the people with poor intellectual ability, it needs a great effort to earn a bare living, forgetting about quality living. And it seems to me really unethical to be a burden of others or to sustain myself by the expense of others, say my parents; also remembering the fact they are also very weak financially and they also spend almost all their wealth to see me as a successful person in society. But all their efforts, toils, hard earned money went into water. Since my mind was lacking stability, I could not concentrate on my study after schooldays. Alcohols, cannabis, and other addictives made me more vulnerable. I could have fulfilled nether my dreams, nor others. So It sounds rational to me that I have lost all the rights to live. I'm disinterested too to play anymore here. One thinking of Adolf Hitler is popping up allways in my mind, that is to say, life unworthy of life must be annihilated. As all self-respects watered down, I can gracefully justify my murder by myself. I have no hesitation to my choice, that is to abandoning my dilapidated life as early as possible. Still there exists a natural fear of Death. I hope I'll conquer it as well. I think I have chosen the right method this time( long drop hanging), I have managed to procure the easily available stuff ( an enough long and thick rope), I'hv identified where my carotid artery is, and last but not the least, a deeply isolated forest, where no man ever dared to put their footsteps since last few years. I don't care whether I'hv chosen the right method or not, but I have faith on myself that I'll be successful this day or that day. As there is no urgent work for me, I would invest all my energy and prepare myself every day until the final day comes. I can clearly see my fate. Actually I'll give birth to my Destiny. I have determined to be dead. I hv wiped out my entire will to live, the few hours still living here just for the will to die. That's all about my stinking story.
