Want to CTB even when experiencing the happiest of moods

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

When I get that rare hit of dopamine, I still have the urge to CTB. In fact, my conviction becomes even stronger, despite the influx of those pesky pleasurable chemicals clutching and taking hold of my senses.

During these times I can only think of how peaceful it will be to simply not exist. Much like sleep, but without my mind terrorising me with nightmares that have frayed from the fabric of past traumatic events.

I ponder what it is going to be like when there are no more worries. Never again having to be bludgeoned by the stresses of life- grades, bills, menial tasks, work, exhaustion, pain, illness, anxiety, fear, doubt. All that will be swept away like the morning waves as they clear the seashore of the dawn's debris.

I imagine death to be quite similar to that scenery. Like the tide, all things from this life will be carried away, never to be seen again. It is strange that I find myself thinking about these things in rare moments of happiness, it seems others use these moments to think of anything but dying, or simply avoid the process of thinking altogether.

These times appear to cement the notion that it has always been my fate to ctb one day. When I listen to this song, it fills me with a sense of peace and acceptance for my fate, that one day the suffering will be over. The thought is joyous.

 

[NodusTollens]

I find myself really empathizing with the pain in your words, though it also sounds like you've come to terms with CTB (I definitely couldn't have been as articulate).
Whatever happens, I hope peace find you.

 

[Devils_candY]

Your are a beautiful writer. A little idea, maybe try freelance writing? Im a freelance poet and its one rare thing I truly enjoy. Thing is im a cathartic person. I enjoy the release of an emotional outburst such as writing about my emotions. Just a thought.

Honesty be true, I am someone who fits in your shoes. I too am consumed by thoughts of the end. The song you posted is playing right now and it too makes me feel at ease. That's such a rare thing for me these days. Thank you for sharing it. I too have songs that I listen to when my soul hurts the most. I will share one with you at the end of this.

When I was younger I was able to bottle up feelings and place them behind me. I had hope back then. Oh how I wish that was still true. Sadly that hope has ceased to be in my current state. Im ready to go. I no longer feel this world is welcoming. People beg me to reconsider time in and time out. Problem is I barely have the strength to listen to myself much less listen to anybody else. I just say over and over "I'm sorry." Hoping they'll leave me alone. Or just stop nagging.

Life to me, and probably to most people here is torture at best. Like you said, even when im happy I still feel the sting deep in my core pulling the strings that'll make me hide and cry. That seems to be all I want to do anymore, just cry... hoping people won't ask why.

I fear the end is near, yet again I welcome the same thought. So thank you OP for saying what I wanted to hear. You are loved, never forget that. If by nobody else, the feeling is true through me. Keep your head up, even in the darkest times ill be with you in thought and spirit.

This is an old song called "mad world"... maybe you've heard it. If you listen to the lyrics im sure you'll find a way to relate.

 

[summers]

I completely understand what you mean. I'm on a timeline to ctb, so even when I'm having a great time, it's always in the back of my head that there are a limited number of these experiences left for me. I don't feel sad about that, if anything, I think I appreciate the happy moments more.

 

[awfullife]

Peace be with you Kuri.
You were given to fly
It's just your time when
The pain down here is too much to take and you decide it's time to fly.
I hope you stay but cant keep you from leaving
You were given to fly

 

[Nicebuddimtim]

Whenever I have a relatively good day with friends or family the night after is so dark

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Your are a beautiful writer. A little idea, maybe try freelance writing? Im a freelance poet and its one rare thing I truly enjoy. Thing is im a cathartic person. I enjoy the release of an emotional outburst such as writing about my emotions. Just a thought.

Honesty be true, I am someone who fits in your shoes. I too am consumed by thoughts of the end. The song you posted is playing right now and it too makes me feel at ease. That's such a rare thing for me these days. Thank you for sharing it. I too have songs that I listen to when my soul hurts the most. I will share one with you at the end of this.

When I was younger I was able to bottle up feelings and place them behind me. I had hope back then. Oh how I wish that was still true. Sadly that hope has ceased to be in my current state. Im ready to go. I no longer feel this world is welcoming. People beg me to reconsider time in and time out. Problem is I barely have the strength to listen to myself much less listen to anybody else. I just say over and over "I'm sorry." Hoping they'll leave me alone. Or just stop nagging.

Life to me, and probably to most people here is torture at best. Like you said, even when im happy I still feel the sting deep in my core pulling the strings that'll make me hide and cry. That seems to be all I want to do anymore, just cry... hoping people won't ask why.

I fear the end is near, yet again I welcome the same thought. So thank you OP for saying what I wanted to hear. You are loved, never forget that. If by nobody else, the feeling is true through me. Keep your head up, even in the darkest times ill be with you in thought and spirit.

This is an old song called "mad world"... maybe you've heard it. If you listen to the lyrics im sure you'll find a way to relate.

Thank you, that was very sweet and kind. I had fallen asleep before I could respond. I used to love writing when I was younger, I skipped several years of English in school to take uni level writing and analysis courses, won an award for my writing, then never did it again as an adult. I fear becoming ill has hampened my ability quite a bit. While I didn't have any creativity in the first place really, my memory and processing skills are all over the place.

Do you get paid for your poetry? I can tell you're quite good at it. Sharing our thoughts like this is the best form of catharsis that exists, imo. I find more solace with all of you than I do in any "it gets better" spaces, because I can freely speak my mind with no fear of accusations of toxicity or refusing "help".

I love Gary Jules as well, he is a very talented musician.

 

[WornOutLife]

That makes sense. I mean, look at rich people who are happy (not all of them) and have all the material stuff they need and yet, CTB anyway.
I agree with you and I think death will be really peaceful.

 

[yive]

yes, my desire to leave doesn't depend on my mood either. it doesn't matter if i'm sad at the moment or fun. i think about it 24/7. when i wake up this is my first thought. and i know this is the only way out for me