Venting wanna go but not ready

[Lunareonn]

i want to go already, but im not quite ready to go.
there is so much i want to do, so much to see, so much to feel

yet it all feels irrelevant, like it wont matter. i know thats not true tho, it will matter because i want them to happen so bad.
i want to kill myself, but i also dont. i hate conflicting feelings. im not even depressed right now, i just want to feel nothing. completely senseless.

maybe im just tired. can anyone relate to the feeling of "want to go but not ready"?

 

[touhoufan]

i feel like its natural to feel that way at a certain point. who knows how little or how much youve seen of the world, there is always more to learn, more to see. curiousity is what has led humans so far after all XP

 

[Kobusu]

If you're not ready, then you're not ready and that's okay. Just because you don't think it's relevant or won't matter doesn't mean that it's not worth the time exploring life and enjoying it all. I think a lot of suicidal people want to be dead, but dont feel ready to die. It's normal, and it's ok. It's a complicated thing, both dying, and living.

 

[hellispink]

There were things I once wanted. Until I realized there is no wayI could ever live those things as a borderline mentally ill person. If there still will on you, you can try step by step doing those things that will bring you joy.

 

[Source Energy]

True. I have moments when I want to go on. Move to another state, have a change of career. Then I picture myself there in different hours of the day. The sad afternoon sunlight, how a scent borne by the wind will remind me of stuff, how I will feel empty and lonely and not likely to really forget. I am afraid of dying alone, not belonging to anything, away from everything that I loved, with nobody knowing. It would be a death as meaningless as the life was.
And then, I sigh - I'm better off dying in my bed, going on with my ctb plan.

 

[cassxtho]

I feel the same way. Like, I want to die but I don't want people at my funeral reminising about how much of a failure I was.

 

[BroodingBleu]

From my point of view, theres a fine line between ideation and planning. I have ideations of CTB every single day of my life, whether I be in a majorly depressive state or if I'm suffering from a manic episode, which ironically is the part that worries me more.

From my experience, the ideation is the want to leave but not being prepared / ready to do so, and thats a completely fair and justifiable feeling. Live out some more experiences, the ticket will always be there to punch, and if you really are not all in on it yet, there is always the possibility for some people to find solace in the hellscape we call home.

 

[nowaru]

Live some more, try some more things. Perhaps there's something out there that may bring you some peace. And if there's nothing in the end and you felt you have truly made up your mind, go through with what you feel is necessary.