sadnessnsuicide
Playboi Carti Enthusiast
- Mar 20, 2022
- 21
Hi all. I don't know why but I figure I should introduce myself since this is my first post on this forum. I'm not sure how much detail I'm allowed to go into as I understand that we're supposed to be anonymous on this forum, so I hope no one is bothered by this post, and I understand if it needs to be deleted. I am Sadnessnsuicide (AKA ILoveUIHateU). I am hoping to ctb by the end of April. I mostly wish to ctb because of guilt I carry. I have been a bad person throughout my entire life, for as long as I can remember I've been a bad character. I began having mental issues when I was in the fourth grade, in elementary school, and now it's been over 10 years of struggling with these feelings and thoughts.
I know I'm going to Hell. I don't know if Hell exists, but if it does, I'm more than certain that that's where I am going. I have always been a burden for my family. I have mistreated and hurt every girlfriend I've ever had. I have lost every friend I've ever had because no one can stand to be around me for longer than a year maybe, typically even less. I've been kicked out of school twice, almost thrice, and arrested thrice. I'm in an immense amount of debt (~$30,000), I have a pending felony charge against me, and I'm totally alone.
The guilt I carry has built up over the years, but I realized that ending my life is necessary ever since my last arrest. In January, I was arrested after showing up drunk to my wife's (ex's?) apartment with a knife and threatened to kill her and her whole family. I was arrested for felony terroristic threats and released on bond the next day. My wife (ex?) then took out a restraining order against me and we haven't had contact since that day. I've been sober from alcohol since that day, making today my 52nd day sober.
I treated my wife so horribly. I cheated on her, I lied to her, I emotionally, mentally and even physically abused her. I deserve to die for the things I did to her. I need to die for the things I did to her. She was the perfect woman. Incredibly beautiful, hardworking, intelligent, loyal, honest, and dignified. All she wanted was to be held and loved and not to be cheated on and I couldn't even do that. I couldn't do the absolute bare minimum for the most beautiful person I've ever met. I know I need to die. No one can convince me that I should live. I don't deserve to live, period.
I also feel that I need to go through with committing suicide now that I have made public posts about my desire and told friends that it is something I am definitely going to do. One of my friends, after arguing with me, told me that I am manipulating everybody by "crying wolf." I do not with to manipulate or abuse anyone any longer, thus I feel I must commit suicide so everyone can see that I am truly suffering and truly do not wish to live anymore.
I would like to share my journey as to how I came to the decision to use SN. I hope people can read the thoughts I've had without feeling too much judgement, and at the same time please understand that I do know that I am a danger to society and that I need to be either medicated or hospitalized.
I have been suicidal really ever since I was 12 years old, but about a week ago I realized that I simply have to go through with it. I went to a gun store, picked out a 9mm Ruger I liked, filled out the FFL paperwork, only to find out that people under felony indictments (even if they have yet to be convicted!) are restricted from possessing firearms. I was so embarrassed and ashamed at the gun store, I screamed and cried in the car. I fucked up my life so much I can't even access the most realistic method available in this country.
I then considered overdose. I worked as a pharmacy technician, a damn good one, for two years before my marriage blew up from my affairs being revealed, so I know a good bit about drugs and at the bare minimum know how to do the research to figure out how to die using them. I don't have access to any opioids, much less F. I do know some friends who are involved in the local drug trade, but they refuse to work with F and even worse they outright refuse to sell to me since they know I'm suicidal. I then considered DPH. After reading medical case files of DPH overdoses, I realized I would have to take something like 300 tablets without throwing up in order to die, which seemed impossible not only due to my lack of an AE but also due to my weak mental state likely causing me to change my mind halfway through and living with the consequences. I then discarded the idea of using DPH.
I then considered using my Adderall (dextroamphetamine-amphetamine) prescription to overdose. Knowing that every month I get 1.8 grams of amphetamine in the form of Adderall, I would likely only need to save the pills I have now and refill the prescription I'll get at the start of April, netting me somewhere around 3 grams of amphetamine. According to multiple internet sources (who are likely citing the same source), the lethal dose of amphetamine is somewhere around 20-25mg/kg. Applying this formula to my weight, I would need to take something around 1.6 grams of amphetamine in order to die. However, I am skeptical of this number, as methamphetamine addicts, despite methamphetamine being the stronger and deadlier chemical, easily take a gram daily without dying. This is all without mentioning that I am prescribed two different delivery methods of amphetamine. The first is Adderall IR 30mg (Instant Release), which instantly releases 30mg of amphetamine within about 45 minutes, and the other being Adderall XR 30mg (Extended Release) which releases 15mg of amphetamine in about an hour and a half and then the other 15mg of amphetamine about four hours after consumption. (Before anyone asks, yes, I know I am prescribed a massive amount of amphetamine daily. I do not take both pills daily; I frequently will only take half of an IR). I do not know if using the Extended Release capsules would even function for suicidal purposes, given how long they are supposed to last in the body. I also fear that by using amphetamine to overdose I could suffer from a heart-attack, seizures, convulsions, or other painful and violent complications. I thus ruled out using amphetamine.
I then considered jumping. I live in a relatively medium-sized town in the south-east U.S., so the tallest points I could access and jump from would be parking garages, which are in this town at most six stories tall. I went to a parking garage on campus and scoped it out as best as I could to see if jumping would work, but on each side of the building there were trees which would break my fall. I then did my research to see if six stories would even be enough to die, and the answer all over the internet was "probably, but who knows." Even if I could find a taller building, the evidence I've seen online shows that people are miraculously able to survive from incredible falls, despite how extreme the height may seem. I thus ruled out jumping, realizing that I don't want to horribly cripple myself and live the rest of my life with whatever comes from that.
I have become so desperate I began to have truly terrible, violent ideas. I began to investigate buying a firearm illegally. I considered enlisting someone to buy one for me, though I realize that I don't have a good enough relationship with literally anyone in order to convince them to commit a very serious felony for me, not to mention that they would be implicated in my death if their firearm was discovered by my body. I also considered buying one off Armslist, the "craig's list" of firearms, where private purchases can be made without the need of an FFL background check. It goes without saying that I recognize the inherent risk in attempting either of these options, and thus ruled them out, as I desperately do not wish to return to jail or be charged with more felonies.
Even though I knew acquiring a firearm would be immensely risky, I continued to entertain the violent ideas I began having. I began to think about robbing a pharmacy to obtain the drugs I would need for an overdose. Without a firearm, I knew I would need something to threaten the employees. A knife seemed too Bri*ish of a method, so I purchased an airsoft handgun that looks exactly like the real-world firearm it mimics. I even carefully removed the orange tip of the airsoft gun in order to make sure that no one would think it false. With my background, as I mentioned, I knew which drugs would be outside of the CII safe and be accessible, and which would be useful. If I scoped out a pharmacy close enough, I could probably be in and out in 2 minutes or less. Of course, I recognize how incredibly reckless, selfish, and stupid doing so would be, and how immensely high the risk is that I could be arrested again. I obviously then ruled this idea out.
Keeping the false gun in mind, I then considered committing suicide by cop, by far the most reckless and riskiest of the methods I have considered. It stopped being important to me that I leave other people out of my suicide, I simply wanted to die by whatever means as soon as possible. I heard stories all the time on the news about people committing suicide by cop, using a gun, a fake gun or even just a knife to bait LEOs into fatally shooting them. Naturally, I began to hate myself even more for considering such a ruthless, selfish method, which ultimately doesn't even give me the choice to end my life, but instead places the choice in the hand of some random, poor police officer. I even considered taking someone hostage to make the situation even more charged, violent, and deadly, but again, my conscious prevents me from considering this a "good" method. Recognizing that this is a painful method without peace or even choice, I then ruled it out.
I then returned to my good old friend, the overdose, though with a different perspective. Funnily enough, I first heard of this forum and of SN in the New York Times article that made this site famous in the first place. I then read a good bit about SN, and to my research it appears as a fine, painless method. There were two complications for me initially, the first being finding a reliable source of SN, and the second being finding a reliable source of an AE. I considered falsifying a prescription for metoclopramide. Given that none of the dopamine antagonizing AEs are controlled substances, I would hope the pharmacist wouldn't look too hard at the script. However, I was still anxious to commit any crime, so I originally ruled out using SN, though I realized later that I actually do know of a trust-worthy source of metoclopramide. I have previously purchased non-prescription gabapentin from an internet vendor, which I believe is a German pharmacy peddling in Indian-manufactured medications. The gabapentin not only arrived as promised, but the store even put on sales, and I placed another order that came through just as successfully as the first, meaning I have had 2 successful ordering experiences with them. My third order with them will thus be for 30 metoclopramide 10mg tablets. However, there was still the matter of finding a source of the SN itself. Searching for it on the largest internet retailers did indeed yield results, though the reviews mentioned things like bags being unlabeled and shipping taking over a month, which wouldn't work for me given how desperate I am to ctb this very second. Fortunately, one user on this forum uploaded a picture of their purchased container of SN and though they hid the brand from the photo, the text on the bottle was enough that I could find the seller online. To my luck, the seller is cheap, U.S. based, and clearly reliable if they delivered to that user.
Having secured a source of both the SN and the AE, I thus chose SN as my method. I will first select music to play for my death and write letters and record memos for my loved ones saying goodbye. I will then mix 50 grams of SN with water. I will take the mixture and my car and drive to either a state park or a sparsely populated area in the rurals of my state. Once I arrive, I will call my ex one last time, tell her I love her and I'm so sorry, then I will play my music, send all the notes, drink the mixture, and finally be put to rest. With any luck my body won't be found for at least 12 hours, hopefully enough for the SN to kill me.
I recognize I have written a good bit here, over 2,000 words, and I would honestly like to hear the thoughts of other users here and how they came to decide on the method they would use. I recognize I have shared A LOT of personal information, and I hope nobody judges me for the ugliness that I am.
Thank you for reading if you actually managed to make it through to the end without skimming.
TLDR; I decided to use SN as my method to ctb after ruling out at least half a dozen other methods. If I wasn't under a felony indictment, I would simply buy a Beretta 92A1 and shoot myself through the roof of my mouth, but I am and thus I cannot.
I know I'm going to Hell. I don't know if Hell exists, but if it does, I'm more than certain that that's where I am going. I have always been a burden for my family. I have mistreated and hurt every girlfriend I've ever had. I have lost every friend I've ever had because no one can stand to be around me for longer than a year maybe, typically even less. I've been kicked out of school twice, almost thrice, and arrested thrice. I'm in an immense amount of debt (~$30,000), I have a pending felony charge against me, and I'm totally alone.
The guilt I carry has built up over the years, but I realized that ending my life is necessary ever since my last arrest. In January, I was arrested after showing up drunk to my wife's (ex's?) apartment with a knife and threatened to kill her and her whole family. I was arrested for felony terroristic threats and released on bond the next day. My wife (ex?) then took out a restraining order against me and we haven't had contact since that day. I've been sober from alcohol since that day, making today my 52nd day sober.
I treated my wife so horribly. I cheated on her, I lied to her, I emotionally, mentally and even physically abused her. I deserve to die for the things I did to her. I need to die for the things I did to her. She was the perfect woman. Incredibly beautiful, hardworking, intelligent, loyal, honest, and dignified. All she wanted was to be held and loved and not to be cheated on and I couldn't even do that. I couldn't do the absolute bare minimum for the most beautiful person I've ever met. I know I need to die. No one can convince me that I should live. I don't deserve to live, period.
I also feel that I need to go through with committing suicide now that I have made public posts about my desire and told friends that it is something I am definitely going to do. One of my friends, after arguing with me, told me that I am manipulating everybody by "crying wolf." I do not with to manipulate or abuse anyone any longer, thus I feel I must commit suicide so everyone can see that I am truly suffering and truly do not wish to live anymore.
I would like to share my journey as to how I came to the decision to use SN. I hope people can read the thoughts I've had without feeling too much judgement, and at the same time please understand that I do know that I am a danger to society and that I need to be either medicated or hospitalized.
I have been suicidal really ever since I was 12 years old, but about a week ago I realized that I simply have to go through with it. I went to a gun store, picked out a 9mm Ruger I liked, filled out the FFL paperwork, only to find out that people under felony indictments (even if they have yet to be convicted!) are restricted from possessing firearms. I was so embarrassed and ashamed at the gun store, I screamed and cried in the car. I fucked up my life so much I can't even access the most realistic method available in this country.
I then considered overdose. I worked as a pharmacy technician, a damn good one, for two years before my marriage blew up from my affairs being revealed, so I know a good bit about drugs and at the bare minimum know how to do the research to figure out how to die using them. I don't have access to any opioids, much less F. I do know some friends who are involved in the local drug trade, but they refuse to work with F and even worse they outright refuse to sell to me since they know I'm suicidal. I then considered DPH. After reading medical case files of DPH overdoses, I realized I would have to take something like 300 tablets without throwing up in order to die, which seemed impossible not only due to my lack of an AE but also due to my weak mental state likely causing me to change my mind halfway through and living with the consequences. I then discarded the idea of using DPH.
I then considered using my Adderall (dextroamphetamine-amphetamine) prescription to overdose. Knowing that every month I get 1.8 grams of amphetamine in the form of Adderall, I would likely only need to save the pills I have now and refill the prescription I'll get at the start of April, netting me somewhere around 3 grams of amphetamine. According to multiple internet sources (who are likely citing the same source), the lethal dose of amphetamine is somewhere around 20-25mg/kg. Applying this formula to my weight, I would need to take something around 1.6 grams of amphetamine in order to die. However, I am skeptical of this number, as methamphetamine addicts, despite methamphetamine being the stronger and deadlier chemical, easily take a gram daily without dying. This is all without mentioning that I am prescribed two different delivery methods of amphetamine. The first is Adderall IR 30mg (Instant Release), which instantly releases 30mg of amphetamine within about 45 minutes, and the other being Adderall XR 30mg (Extended Release) which releases 15mg of amphetamine in about an hour and a half and then the other 15mg of amphetamine about four hours after consumption. (Before anyone asks, yes, I know I am prescribed a massive amount of amphetamine daily. I do not take both pills daily; I frequently will only take half of an IR). I do not know if using the Extended Release capsules would even function for suicidal purposes, given how long they are supposed to last in the body. I also fear that by using amphetamine to overdose I could suffer from a heart-attack, seizures, convulsions, or other painful and violent complications. I thus ruled out using amphetamine.
I then considered jumping. I live in a relatively medium-sized town in the south-east U.S., so the tallest points I could access and jump from would be parking garages, which are in this town at most six stories tall. I went to a parking garage on campus and scoped it out as best as I could to see if jumping would work, but on each side of the building there were trees which would break my fall. I then did my research to see if six stories would even be enough to die, and the answer all over the internet was "probably, but who knows." Even if I could find a taller building, the evidence I've seen online shows that people are miraculously able to survive from incredible falls, despite how extreme the height may seem. I thus ruled out jumping, realizing that I don't want to horribly cripple myself and live the rest of my life with whatever comes from that.
I have become so desperate I began to have truly terrible, violent ideas. I began to investigate buying a firearm illegally. I considered enlisting someone to buy one for me, though I realize that I don't have a good enough relationship with literally anyone in order to convince them to commit a very serious felony for me, not to mention that they would be implicated in my death if their firearm was discovered by my body. I also considered buying one off Armslist, the "craig's list" of firearms, where private purchases can be made without the need of an FFL background check. It goes without saying that I recognize the inherent risk in attempting either of these options, and thus ruled them out, as I desperately do not wish to return to jail or be charged with more felonies.
Even though I knew acquiring a firearm would be immensely risky, I continued to entertain the violent ideas I began having. I began to think about robbing a pharmacy to obtain the drugs I would need for an overdose. Without a firearm, I knew I would need something to threaten the employees. A knife seemed too Bri*ish of a method, so I purchased an airsoft handgun that looks exactly like the real-world firearm it mimics. I even carefully removed the orange tip of the airsoft gun in order to make sure that no one would think it false. With my background, as I mentioned, I knew which drugs would be outside of the CII safe and be accessible, and which would be useful. If I scoped out a pharmacy close enough, I could probably be in and out in 2 minutes or less. Of course, I recognize how incredibly reckless, selfish, and stupid doing so would be, and how immensely high the risk is that I could be arrested again. I obviously then ruled this idea out.
Keeping the false gun in mind, I then considered committing suicide by cop, by far the most reckless and riskiest of the methods I have considered. It stopped being important to me that I leave other people out of my suicide, I simply wanted to die by whatever means as soon as possible. I heard stories all the time on the news about people committing suicide by cop, using a gun, a fake gun or even just a knife to bait LEOs into fatally shooting them. Naturally, I began to hate myself even more for considering such a ruthless, selfish method, which ultimately doesn't even give me the choice to end my life, but instead places the choice in the hand of some random, poor police officer. I even considered taking someone hostage to make the situation even more charged, violent, and deadly, but again, my conscious prevents me from considering this a "good" method. Recognizing that this is a painful method without peace or even choice, I then ruled it out.
I then returned to my good old friend, the overdose, though with a different perspective. Funnily enough, I first heard of this forum and of SN in the New York Times article that made this site famous in the first place. I then read a good bit about SN, and to my research it appears as a fine, painless method. There were two complications for me initially, the first being finding a reliable source of SN, and the second being finding a reliable source of an AE. I considered falsifying a prescription for metoclopramide. Given that none of the dopamine antagonizing AEs are controlled substances, I would hope the pharmacist wouldn't look too hard at the script. However, I was still anxious to commit any crime, so I originally ruled out using SN, though I realized later that I actually do know of a trust-worthy source of metoclopramide. I have previously purchased non-prescription gabapentin from an internet vendor, which I believe is a German pharmacy peddling in Indian-manufactured medications. The gabapentin not only arrived as promised, but the store even put on sales, and I placed another order that came through just as successfully as the first, meaning I have had 2 successful ordering experiences with them. My third order with them will thus be for 30 metoclopramide 10mg tablets. However, there was still the matter of finding a source of the SN itself. Searching for it on the largest internet retailers did indeed yield results, though the reviews mentioned things like bags being unlabeled and shipping taking over a month, which wouldn't work for me given how desperate I am to ctb this very second. Fortunately, one user on this forum uploaded a picture of their purchased container of SN and though they hid the brand from the photo, the text on the bottle was enough that I could find the seller online. To my luck, the seller is cheap, U.S. based, and clearly reliable if they delivered to that user.
Having secured a source of both the SN and the AE, I thus chose SN as my method. I will first select music to play for my death and write letters and record memos for my loved ones saying goodbye. I will then mix 50 grams of SN with water. I will take the mixture and my car and drive to either a state park or a sparsely populated area in the rurals of my state. Once I arrive, I will call my ex one last time, tell her I love her and I'm so sorry, then I will play my music, send all the notes, drink the mixture, and finally be put to rest. With any luck my body won't be found for at least 12 hours, hopefully enough for the SN to kill me.
I recognize I have written a good bit here, over 2,000 words, and I would honestly like to hear the thoughts of other users here and how they came to decide on the method they would use. I recognize I have shared A LOT of personal information, and I hope nobody judges me for the ugliness that I am.
Thank you for reading if you actually managed to make it through to the end without skimming.
TLDR; I decided to use SN as my method to ctb after ruling out at least half a dozen other methods. If I wasn't under a felony indictment, I would simply buy a Beretta 92A1 and shoot myself through the roof of my mouth, but I am and thus I cannot.
