Discussion Waking thoughts

[PatKat]

I am kinda curious of others first and last thoughts of a day?

Usually, my first thought is I have to do this again. Followed by I need coffee.

Going to sleep depends a lot I just passout most of the time. When I go to sleep without passing out I usually think l, and hope I do not wake up again.

 

[Scribble Fan]

My first thought is usually wondering if this will finally be the day I ctb, followed by a mini game plan for what I want to attempt to accomplish today.

Last thoughts are mostly blank, melancholic curious types of why I'm still here and mild relief to retire until tomorrow.

 

[Conflicted Cat]

Trying to figure out what the hell that dream was. Because what was clear in a dream suddenly makes no sense.

And last? "I hope to hell that I don't wake up".

 

[Circles]

I am kinda curious of others first and last thoughts of a day?

Usually, my first thought is I have to do this again. Followed by I need coffee.

Going to sleep depends a lot I just passout most of the time. When I go to sleep without passing out I usually think l, and hope I do not wake up again.

I've been waking up lately with a very brief moment of clarity and then a couple moments later feeling anxious af getting weird vibes with a flood of bad thoughts thinking to myself:

"Great another day doing the same things and feeling the same way. Nothing is changing or helping. Even the dreams you had were depressing and violent making you feel weird off setting vibes that you can't control. You have no control. Kill yourself, Kill yourself, kill yourself. DO IT you fucking idiot. What are you waiting for? No don't think like that. Not today go away. Not today, go away. Please just stop it like fuck. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself. No, no I can't, not yet. Do it your wasting your time, your life is pathetic and nothing you do matters. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself. Just get it over with damnit. Oh my just fucking please stop. Am I always going to feel like this from now on?"

And then after ruminating with those thoughts I'd get overwhelmed and then proceed to take my meds and go smoke a bowl. Later when I try to fall asleep it's more frequent:

"Finally I'm getting tired. You sleep 1/3 to over a half your life. You're practically dead already. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself. Stop it's time to rest. Dude you're scared of the dark at this age? You'll never grow up or even be considered a man. You'll never amount to much of anything you'd enjoy. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself. Oh that awkward situation you had earlier? How fucking stupid could I be? You won't make it in this world. The longer this goes on the the more pain you'll experience. Please just stop with the constant negativity. What did I do to feel like this? Just give up on yourself. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself."

Then I'm just exhausted from the thoughts and then drift to sleep.And then of course this is negating the fact I feel a lot different emotions in between those thoughts that are indescribable for me.

Thank you for making this thread btw I needed something to keep my mind busy.

 

[PatKat]

I've been waking up lately with a very brief moment of clarity and then a couple moments later feeling anxious af getting weird vibes with a flood of bad thoughts thinking to myself:

"Great another day doing the same things and feeling the same way. Nothing is changing or helping. Even the dreams you had were depressing and violent making you feel weird off setting vibes that you can't control. You have no control. Kill yourself, Kill yourself, kill yourself. DO IT you fucking idiot. What are you waiting for? No don't think like that. Not today go away. Not today, go away. Please just stop it like fuck. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself. No, no I can't, not yet. Do it your wasting your time, your life is pathetic and nothing you do matters. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself. Just get it over with damnit. Oh my just fucking please stop. Am I always going to feel like this from now on?"

And then after ruminating with those thoughts I'd get overwhelmed and then proceed to take my meds and go smoke a bowl. Later when I try to fall asleep it's more frequent:

"Finally I'm getting tired. You sleep 1/3 to over a half your life. You're practically dead already. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself. Stop it's time to rest. Dude you're scared of the dark at this age? You'll never grow up or even be considered a man. You'll never amount to much of anything you'd enjoy. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself. Oh that awkward situation you had earlier? How fucking stupid could I be? You won't make it in this world. The longer this goes on the the more pain you'll experience. Please just stop with the constant negativity. What did I do to feel like this? Just give up on yourself. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself."

Then I'm just xhausted from the thoughts and then drift to sleep.And then of course this is negating the fact I feel a lot different emotions in between those thoughts that are indescribable for me.

Thank you for making this thread btw I needed something to keep my mind busy.

If they only knew how much energy it took to just stay alive. Sorry you have those feelings I can relate. I just want them to go away. Noone will help me. I only find comfort here being able to talk about it. They do not even have any free online therapists or psychologists they all require insurance and copay payment up front I have looked into it.

I have used 741741 Crisis Text Line in fact I am one of the volunteers there and help people live that want help that have access to it still before they reach this point. I have had many great reviews from the staff which are mental health professionals MD and PhDs, and from the ones I helped. Only ones that have or are currently there know how to help. Helping people on there is not something I will quit because it does help me as well and gives me good feelings. I have never had an active rescue either. I have been able to talk to many and they seek help from school therapists, private psychology, or private psychiatry. Also we have links to refer people to like 211 or Aunt Bertha.

 

[throwaway777]

i always think that i hate myself and that i want to die but i always think about my friends too bc i love them so much and i always miss them but then again i think that im the worst person in the world and that i would do them a favour if i disappeared kjjfds