I've been waking up lately with a very brief moment of clarity and then a couple moments later feeling anxious af getting weird vibes with a flood of bad thoughts thinking to myself:
"Great another day doing the same things and feeling the same way. Nothing is changing or helping. Even the dreams you had were depressing and violent making you feel weird off setting vibes that you can't control. You have no control. Kill yourself, Kill yourself, kill yourself. DO IT you fucking idiot. What are you waiting for? No don't think like that. Not today go away. Not today, go away. Please just stop it like fuck. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself. No, no I can't, not yet. Do it your wasting your time, your life is pathetic and nothing you do matters. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself. Just get it over with damnit. Oh my just fucking please stop. Am I always going to feel like this from now on?"
And then after ruminating with those thoughts I'd get overwhelmed and then proceed to take my meds and go smoke a bowl. Later when I try to fall asleep it's more frequent:
"Finally I'm getting tired. You sleep 1/3 to over a half your life. You're practically dead already. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself. Stop it's time to rest. Dude you're scared of the dark at this age? You'll never grow up or even be considered a man. You'll never amount to much of anything you'd enjoy. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself. Oh that awkward situation you had earlier? How fucking stupid could I be? You won't make it in this world. The longer this goes on the the more pain you'll experience. Please just stop with the constant negativity. What did I do to feel like this? Just give up on yourself. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself."
Then I'm just xhausted from the thoughts and then drift to sleep.And then of course this is negating the fact I feel a lot different emotions in between those thoughts that are indescribable for me.
Thank you for making this thread btw I needed something to keep my mind busy.