Venting Waiting for the arrival of my SN and Meto

[deathbyginger]

I ordered both about a week ago, and since then I've been going through a whole range of emotions.

Part of me is dying on the inside. I'm anxious awaiting the arrival of the SN, I wish it could be sooner. So much so, that I even ordered SN from another seller in hopes of consuming whichever comes first. I really hate the waiting, I want this to be all over now.

The other part of me feels peace. I feel relieved knowing that death finally awaits me, and that I don't have much longer here on earth. I'm grateful for the ability to track my shipments, as it's really helping ensure me that there is hope for me. It just feels great that I have finally grasped some control in my life.

It just sucks because I'm ready to go now. I've set in place everything that I needed to do before I passed, except for writing my suicide notes. I'm waiting to write my suicide notes til the day of my CTB so in the meantime I can gather my thoughts and feelings.

I feel so much remorse for those in my life that I truly care about. I'm letting everyone down in my life that I care about. I can't begin to think what people will say about my death. The fact alone that I'm writing this next to my S/O kills me. I'm sorry I left you like this. It's not you, it's me.

I could use some support right now. No one in my life seems to take the hint. It's funny how I can mention to somebody that I was so sad this morning that I didn't show up for work again (She is already aware of my long list of absences too), and that they wouldn't even make a comment. Guess this was my destiny. No one seems to be a motivator in my life to keep me here, regardless of the fact if the know I'm suicidal or not. Well at least I can pass with my mind at ease knowing that I tried to reach out for help, but failed.

Please note that this wasn't my only way of reaching out for help.
I've told many people about my depression and they've taken interest in hearing my story for a day, then they'll see me and talk to me again but never ask for any sort of update on how I'm doing with my depression even though I show signs that I'm upset and distressed.
I've attempted therapy, with many different therapists and all them seem to not understand me. They just ask questions that are completely unrelated and charge me out my ass by the minute.
Medication was worth a shot, but I think I'm so deep into this depression thing that all they could possibly do to me is continue to numb my awful life.

The biggest thing that bugs me is that I've amounted to nothing. I'm probably too young to die but my life is set up for failure. It's going to be hard to live this way. I have one too many conditions that will make my life increasingly difficult as I age, so is there really a point?

My recent quietness on this forum can be explained from my current state of mind. But I really just need someone to talk to right now

I'm here writing this just after midnight with my S/O sleeping in my arms. I'm lucky she didn't wake up, I guess.

I hope to respond back to any replies to the thread soon.

I apologize for my scrambled writing.

Yours truly,
ginger

 

[Science Is Scary]

I'll be up for a while if you want to chat.

You're welcome to join us in Chat if you like. There's also a private conversation feature in the chat if you prefer to talk one on one. Or the conversation feature we've used before.

No pressure though. You already know how weird I am heh.

 

[gothfairy]

i'm here for you. i totally understand the feeling of just wanting it to happen already, you're not alone in that. if this is what you truly want to do then i wish you the best but i am definitely here to talk until it happens.

 

[Time]

I ordered both about a week ago, and since then I've been going through a whole range of emotions.

Part of me is dying on the inside. I'm anxious awaiting the arrival of the SN, I wish it could be sooner. So much so, that I even ordered SN from another seller in hopes of consuming whichever comes first. I really hate the waiting, I want this to be all over now.

The other part of me feels peace. I feel relieved knowing that death finally awaits me, and that I don't have much longer here on earth. I'm grateful for the ability to track my shipments, as it's really helping ensure me that there is hope for me. It just feels great that I have finally grasped some control in my life.

It just sucks because I'm ready to go now. I've set in place everything that I needed to do before I passed, except for writing my suicide notes. I'm waiting to write my suicide notes til the day of my CTB so in the meantime I can gather my thoughts and feelings.

I feel so much remorse for those in my life that I truly care about. I'm letting everyone down in my life that I care about. I can't begin to think what people will say about my death. The fact alone that I'm writing this next to my S/O kills me. I'm sorry I left you like this. It's not you, it's me.

I could use some support right now. No one in my life seems to take the hint. It's funny how I can mention to somebody that I was so sad this morning that I didn't show up for work again (She is already aware of my long list of absences too), and that they wouldn't even make a comment. Guess this was my destiny. No one seems to be a motivator in my life to keep me here, regardless of the fact if the know I'm suicidal or not. Well at least I can pass with my mind at ease knowing that I tried to reach out for help, but failed.

Please note that this wasn't my only way of reaching out for help.
I've told many people about my depression and they've taken interest in hearing my story for a day, then they'll see me and talk to me again but never ask for any sort of update on how I'm doing with my depression even though I show signs that I'm upset and distressed.
I've attempted therapy, with many different therapists and all them seem to not understand me. They just ask questions that are completely unrelated and charge me out my ass by the minute.
Medication was worth a shot, but I think I'm so deep into this depression thing that all they could possibly do to me is continue to numb my awful life.

The biggest thing that bugs me is that I've amounted to nothing. I'm probably too young to die but my life is set up for failure. It's going to be hard to live this way. I have one too many conditions that will make my life increasingly difficult as I age, so is there really a point?

My recent quietness on this forum can be explained from my current state of mind. But I really just need someone to talk to right now

I'm here writing this just after midnight with my S/O sleeping in my arms. I'm lucky she didn't wake up, I guess.

I hope to respond back to any replies to the thread soon.

I apologize for my scrambled writing.

Yours truly,
ginger

Thanks for sharing. I recently ordered & received my SN. I was excited that I found it & was able to get it so easily AND quickly (delivered like 2 days later). Initially I couldn't find meto but was still EXCITED when I found some domperidone & bought it immediately. I felt a sense of relief/peace when I completed the orders for both.

This was a few days ago. Now, although I still have some feelings of relief, I've become kind of... Like I've distance myself from the reasons why I wanted to ctb in the first place. I think that it's partly because I'm still in limbo waiting for my other materials to come but mainly because... Reality of my plans is setting in...???

I think that this might be a normal reaction, though.

 

[deathbyginger]

Thanks @Science Is Scary and @gothfairy

it helps knowing there are people out there for me.
I generally don't respond too often because I'm busy with work.
but I'll keep updated with my arrival and regimen


Hey, @Time

I totally can relate to your situation
I'm acquiring all my needed items
I got xanax and tagamet already
I'm just waiting on SN and meto

also I can relate to your feelings
It's getting real but I'm getting through it.
I hope you're doing ok.
It's just killing me to wait for it.

may I ask for your sources for these?

But I wish you a good night guys wherever you are.
I wish you all find peace one day