nightrider11
Member
- Jun 22, 2019
- 6
^ This is not what it sounds like.
I love my mom to pieces. She's not a perfect person, but she is a big part of the person I am today, and I love the parts of me that I can see are really her. I know that me dying will break her, and I can't fathom doing that to her.
I don't know what to do with myself in the meantime. Everything hurts all the time and I'm tired. It's been three years. Things aren't better I've just gotten very good at hiding it. I've OD'd intentionally, am too scared of being put on another 72-hour hold (which might actually be 14 days), and I dont want to injure myself in a way that leaves me physically handicapped and unable to actually kill myself when the time comes. I skate in traffic and hope for the best.
Everything is broken, constantly. I can't function around functioning people. I simply do not know what to do with their constant need for others. Sure abuse is one word for maybe why I am the way I am. But I have stable housing now and attend a good college, and everything should technically be fine. But part of me is still that little girl hiding in the closet, bruised, swollen, and raw, too afraid to come out.
I don't like meds. Nothing feels real anymore when I'm on them. I have enough trouble dissociating and recognizing myself. I'm unbreakable in a sense that I'm already fully broken. I have found the person I loved and I've convinced myself that they are better off without me. I was right — again. I'm still trying to figure out how to live in a world without him in it.
I love my mom to pieces. She's not a perfect person, but she is a big part of the person I am today, and I love the parts of me that I can see are really her. I know that me dying will break her, and I can't fathom doing that to her.
I don't know what to do with myself in the meantime. Everything hurts all the time and I'm tired. It's been three years. Things aren't better I've just gotten very good at hiding it. I've OD'd intentionally, am too scared of being put on another 72-hour hold (which might actually be 14 days), and I dont want to injure myself in a way that leaves me physically handicapped and unable to actually kill myself when the time comes. I skate in traffic and hope for the best.
Everything is broken, constantly. I can't function around functioning people. I simply do not know what to do with their constant need for others. Sure abuse is one word for maybe why I am the way I am. But I have stable housing now and attend a good college, and everything should technically be fine. But part of me is still that little girl hiding in the closet, bruised, swollen, and raw, too afraid to come out.
I don't like meds. Nothing feels real anymore when I'm on them. I have enough trouble dissociating and recognizing myself. I'm unbreakable in a sense that I'm already fully broken. I have found the person I loved and I've convinced myself that they are better off without me. I was right — again. I'm still trying to figure out how to live in a world without him in it.
