I'm 44, and an only child. and just a few minutes ago, replied in a thread where I said I wouldn't have a clue where to begin when my parents die. My dad is healthy but mom has a shit load of health issues that keep her housebound with absolutely no quality of life.
When I first got suicidal ideation, I always imagined CTB after they died. As it's gotten worse in the last few years and I wonder how the hell I have gotten this old, I've tried a couple of stupid ways to CTB so they are aware of my mental state.
Now she has two very suspicious lumps in her breast. They can't get her in for the tests she needs until December 11. Of course me being miss negativity, is fearing the worst. The fact that we have to go through Thanksgiving and her birthday next week really sucks. And I just have more time to get anxious.
Part of what scares me the most is she has so many health problems, I always assumed she would die from something related to that. It never even occurred to me that she could get cancer and have to go through a horrific death where I would have to help her immensely. I already help take care of her and whenever something happens that makes her situation worse and I really have to help out, I suck at it so bad.
Yesterday someone sent some old pictures of me as a child with my mom and it made me really sad to see her look young and healthy.
I guess I'm just venting because I don't have many people to talk to anyway and we are keeping things quiet from family members for now. And it's one of those things that make me realize yet again that there is no point of life going through all we do just to suffer more when we are old.
Thanks to anyone who read this.
When I first got suicidal ideation, I always imagined CTB after they died. As it's gotten worse in the last few years and I wonder how the hell I have gotten this old, I've tried a couple of stupid ways to CTB so they are aware of my mental state.
Now she has two very suspicious lumps in her breast. They can't get her in for the tests she needs until December 11. Of course me being miss negativity, is fearing the worst. The fact that we have to go through Thanksgiving and her birthday next week really sucks. And I just have more time to get anxious.
Part of what scares me the most is she has so many health problems, I always assumed she would die from something related to that. It never even occurred to me that she could get cancer and have to go through a horrific death where I would have to help her immensely. I already help take care of her and whenever something happens that makes her situation worse and I really have to help out, I suck at it so bad.
Yesterday someone sent some old pictures of me as a child with my mom and it made me really sad to see her look young and healthy.
I guess I'm just venting because I don't have many people to talk to anyway and we are keeping things quiet from family members for now. And it's one of those things that make me realize yet again that there is no point of life going through all we do just to suffer more when we are old.
Thanks to anyone who read this.
