Venting Waiting at the station

[SanitySalvage]

Hello,

I have not been on a forum in many years until today. I found this place because I've been thinking of ctb for quite some time now.

If you'll bare with me, I'd like to share my story. I apologize in advance if things don't make sense timeline wise/etc, I can barely remember what I did yesterday. Oops.

A little more than two years ago, my depression became hard to hide. I'd been hiding for 12 years at that point. I can't exactly remember how things happened but it ended up with me starting my journey to "better" mental health after a breakdown cost me a job I had just started via promotion. I had a therapist I'd see weekly and a psychiatrist almost bi-weekly.

This past summer was absolutely awful and I learned that my father had been unfaithful to my mother for the past two years. That's right, the same amount of time I'd been suffering. I couldn't believe it and I completely lost it. I threatened my father and from then I had a rocky relationship with him.

In September, I went on a trip to visit family with my parents, a trip I'd been dreading because every single time I made the trip in the past it caused family problems. So, of course, this time was no different. As soon as we got back home, my father triggered me and I fought him. Within a week, I had a breakdown and tried to ctb but turned myself into a hospital and ended up in my first psych ward ever. For two weeks with very limited contact with the outside.

Almost no one cared or noticed that I had been gone, except my parents of course because they insisted on visiting me and calling me on the free phones there. For the two weeks following that, I was partially hospitalized in a program that basically tried to teach me coping skills and things. This did not work, but I managed to be discharged anyway and I was diagnosed with major depression with psychotic features.

I tried my best to be positive, be good, take my medication. I even tried my best to form a good relationship with my father. Even though he's since decided not to live with us.

From October to mid November or so, I worked on this. However, I later decided to stop taking my meds because I gained a massive amount of weight because of them in a short time and hadn't felt any improvement. This weight gain caused me much grief because I'm already incredibly overweight.

The holidays were creeping up and nothing felt festive, so my depression became worse. I even stopped talking to my father. I said nothing to him for Christmas and I only let him hug me on New Years because I was caught off guard.

And then my birthday happened (this past Thursday). I had only a few people say anything and people who I thought were good friends remained silent. I didn't prod anyone or really talk about my birthday on Thursday because I hate being that kind of person. It was a very lonely day. It HAS been a very lonely couple weeks now to be honest.

I've also been talking about my depression openly and talking about my latest struggles, only to be left on read.

I haven't had a job in over two years and I'm too afraid of the outside to even try getting one. I do not find joy in anything and have spent weeks doing nothing more than laying down and watching youtube, reading or having my one meal a day. I tried going back to school and did for a while until it got too mentally taxing (which ended up in me now owing them money for non-completion and debt collectors on my back).

I feel incredibly lonely and there's no escape for me. Looking back at what I've written I'm definitely leaving out a lot of detail but I'm not sure how to really add everything in without it becoming insanely boring. It also feels like I'm just complaining and don't have real reason to want to ctb.

TL;DR: Two years ago I became severely mentally ill, it cost me my job. I've been on several medications with no luck and even had transcranial magnetic stimulation done. I've become even more depressed since then and a variety of factors have made it even more difficult for my will to live to exist. I'm incredibly lonely and can't handle any more emotional pain. I want to disappear.

If you read any of that, you have my gratitude.

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

Welcome to the forum! Sounds like you have been having a tough time... We are here to talk or if you need too vent...
Sending you lots of and .

 

[SanitySalvage]

Welcome to the forum! Sounds like you have been having a tough time... We are here to talk or if you need too vent...
Sending you lots of and .

I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier. I'm still getting a feel for being here. Thank you!

Today has just been awful and no one has been concerned for my wellbeing even after putting my heart out there (on another site). Maybe for the better lol less attachment.

 

[Time]

Hello,

I have not been on a forum in many years until today. I found this place because I've been thinking of ctb for quite some time now.

If you'll bare with me, I'd like to share my story. I apologize in advance if things don't make sense timeline wise/etc, I can barely remember what I did yesterday. Oops.

A little more than two years ago, my depression became hard to hide. I'd been hiding for 12 years at that point. I can't exactly remember how things happened but it ended up with me starting my journey to "better" mental health after a breakdown cost me a job I had just started via promotion. I had a therapist I'd see weekly and a psychiatrist almost bi-weekly.

This past summer was absolutely awful and I learned that my father had been unfaithful to my mother for the past two years. That's right, the same amount of time I'd been suffering. I couldn't believe it and I completely lost it. I threatened my father and from then I had a rocky relationship with him.

In September, I went on a trip to visit family with my parents, a trip I'd been dreading because every single time I made the trip in the past it caused family problems. So, of course, this time was no different. As soon as we got back home, my father triggered me and I fought him. Within a week, I had a breakdown and tried to ctb but turned myself into a hospital and ended up in my first psych ward ever. For two weeks with very limited contact with the outside.

Almost no one cared or noticed that I had been gone, except my parents of course because they insisted on visiting me and calling me on the free phones there. For the two weeks following that, I was partially hospitalized in a program that basically tried to teach me coping skills and things. This did not work, but I managed to be discharged anyway and I was diagnosed with major depression with psychotic features.

I tried my best to be positive, be good, take my medication. I even tried my best to form a good relationship with my father. Even though he's since decided not to live with us.

From October to mid November or so, I worked on this. However, I later decided to stop taking my meds because I gained a massive amount of weight because of them in a short time and hadn't felt any improvement. This weight gain caused me much grief because I'm already incredibly overweight.

The holidays were creeping up and nothing felt festive, so my depression became worse. I even stopped talking to my father. I said nothing to him for Christmas and I only let him hug me on New Years because I was caught off guard.

And then my birthday happened (this past Thursday). I had only a few people say anything and people who I thought were good friends remained silent. I didn't prod anyone or really talk about my birthday on Thursday because I hate being that kind of person. It was a very lonely day. It HAS been a very lonely couple weeks now to be honest.

I've also been talking about my depression openly and talking about my latest struggles, only to be left on read.

I haven't had a job in over two years and I'm too afraid of the outside to even try getting one. I do not find joy in anything and have spent weeks doing nothing more than laying down and watching youtube, reading or having my one meal a day. I tried going back to school and did for a while until it got too mentally taxing (which ended up in me now owing them money for non-completion and debt collectors on my back).

I feel incredibly lonely and there's no escape for me. Looking back at what I've written I'm definitely leaving out a lot of detail but I'm not sure how to really add everything in without it becoming insanely boring. It also feels like I'm just complaining and don't have real reason to want to ctb.

TL;DR: Two years ago I became severely mentally ill, it cost me my job. I've been on several medications with no luck and even had transcranial magnetic stimulation done. I've become even more depressed since then and a variety of factors have made it even more difficult for my will to live to exist. I'm incredibly lonely and can't handle any more emotional pain. I want to disappear.

If you read any of that, you have my gratitude.

Hello, welcome, & thanks for sharing with us, SanitySalvage. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Surprisingly, I actually did read all (well, almost all of it). After becoming a member I would read even the longest posts but... I can identify with the mental health issues, the birthday thing & feeling abandoned. I also gained weight from my meds but after enduring many years of depression & anxiety & feeling as if they had been lifted for the first couple of years or so on the meds, I was more than willing to make that exchange. But eventually the efficacy seemed to wear off & I think they would help me block out some other defects because I now see that they were always there but I just didn't (want to?) see them.

And after learning a lot about political & social issues happening in our world, going down that rabbit hole, & posting a lot of it, I think that I alienated a lot of people (combined with my overall lacking of social skills & etiquette). In hindsight a lot of it seems more confusing than I originally thought. I think these played a big part in only my Aunt posting HBD on my timeline. Compared to many over prior years & slowly declining. Around this time I stopped taking my meds opting for more natural solutions & in that time, I (only kinda recently) noticed that my mental health had been steadily going back into the dumpster after years of (@ least I thought) some stability. At this point, I realize that I can only trust my thinking so much. With that said, I truly believe that there is no confusion regarding some of my issues especially since I'm reminded of why I need to stay away from people on those rare occasions that I do go out into the world. Unfortunately, I'm definitely too far gone & staying in the house with my parents isn't healthy for anyone. Me & people are just not a healthy mix.

I hope that things work out for you, SanitySalvage. I hate to see anyone ctb & I truly hope that you will/have exhaust(ed) every option before deciding... Either way, we're here for you.

 

[Daffodil]

Hi. I had a similar post as you - tried posting on another forum hoping someone would care and no one did. Posted here and found a lot of welcoming. There's no need to be lonely. However, this forum will definitely pull you closer to your end. Everyone here is planning to end it. So if you're looking for someone to help motivate you in the other direction, I'd seek help elsewhere. It can pull you down fast. So if you have other support groups, good to reach out to them too.

At least there is some relief and company as we find a way out. Best of luck to you!

 

[SanitySalvage]

Hello, welcome, & thanks for sharing with us, SanitySalvage. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Surprisingly, I actually did read all (well, almost all of it). After becoming a member I would read even the longest posts but... I can identify with the mental health issues, the birthday thing & feeling abandoned. I also gained weight from my meds but after enduring many years of depression & anxiety & feeling as if they had been lifted for the first couple of years or so on the meds, I was more than willing to make that exchange. But eventually the efficacy seemed to wear off & I think they would help me block out some other defects because I now see that they were always there but I just didn't (want to?) see them.

And after learning a lot about political & social issues happening in our world, going down that rabbit hole, & posting a lot of it, I think that I alienated a lot of people (combined with my overall lacking of social skills & etiquette). In hindsight a lot of it seems more confusing than I originally thought. I think these played a big part in only my Aunt posting HBD on my timeline. Compared to many over prior years & slowly declining. Around this time I stopped taking my meds opting for more natural solutions & in that time, I (only kinda recently) noticed that my mental health had been steadily going back into the dumpster after years of (@ least I thought) some stability. At this point, I realize that I can only trust my thinking so much. With that said, I truly believe that there is no confusion regarding some of my issues especially since I'm reminded of why I need to stay away from people on those rare occasions that I do go out into the world. Unfortunately, I'm definitely too far gone & staying in the house with my parents isn't healthy for anyone. Me & people are just not a healthy mix.

I hope that things work out for you, SanitySalvage. I hate to see anyone ctb & I truly hope that you will/have exhaust(ed) every option before deciding... Either way, we're here for you.

Thank you for your reply. I've done a lot of thinking the past couple years and honestly I don't know where I stand anymore....but I'll figure it out.

Hi. I had a similar post as you - tried posting on another forum hoping someone would care and no one did. Posted here and found a lot of welcoming. There's no need to be lonely. However, this forum will definitely pull you closer to your end. Everyone here is planning to end it. So if you're looking for someone to help motivate you in the other direction, I'd seek help elsewhere. It can pull you down fast. So if you have other support groups, good to reach out to them too.

At least there is some relief and company as we find a way out. Best of luck to you!

Thank you! And yeah, I definitely know what I've gotten myself into by being here. That's why I'm here :) There's a strange type of reassurance being around people who've decided to take matters into their own hands.

 

[thablue]

I'm here if you want to talk. I'm not the best at replying but... I'm here for you.

 

[Time]

Thank you for your reply. I've done a lot of thinking the past couple years and honestly I don't know where I stand anymore....but I'll figure it out.



Thank you! And yeah, I definitely know what I've gotten myself into by being here. That's why I'm here :) There's a strange type of reassurance being around people who've decided to take matters into their own hands.

FYI: There's a recovery section here. Might be helpful.

 

[LegaliseIt!]

Hi
Welcome to the site.
We are here for you no matter how you are feeling.
If you have questions about anything related to mental health or pro-choice issues, there is a search function that you can use to type in your search terms (at the top of the screen) Generally, most questions have been asked before. There is chat as well.
This is a kind and caring place,
Sending Peace and comfort,
L

 

[Sensei]

However, this forum will definitely pull you closer to your end. Everyone here is planning to end it. So if you're looking for someone to help motivate you in the other direction, I'd seek help elsewhere. It can pull you down fast. So if you have other support groups, good to reach out to them too.

At least there is some relief and company as we find a way out. Best of luck to you!

Yes and no. A recent poll showed that roughly one third really want to die, one third don't want to but see no other option, and one third is ambivalent. Of course, not all members voted, but it's an indication that far from all members are dead set on committing suicide. I believe that some are crying for help, some are desperately looking for solutions to their problems, and some simply want to vent their suicidal thoughts. Those who are dead set on comitting suicide are vocal about it and their goodbye threads attract much attention, which is fine, but they are not in majority. Many members have indeed left the forum lately, but It's easy to forget that quite a few of them have left because they have recovered. In short, I don't necessarily think that it's a bad idea for someone who is suicidal to frequent this forum.

 

[Daffodil]

Yes and no. A recent poll showed that roughly one third really want to die, one third don't want to but see no other option, and one third is ambivalent. Of course, not all members voted, but it's an indication that far from all members are dead set on committing suicide. I believe that some are crying for help, some are desperately looking for solutions to their problems, and some simply want to vent their suicidal thoughts. Those who are dead set on comitting suicide are vocal about it and their goodbye threads attract much attention, which is fine, but they are not in majority. Many members have indeed left the forum lately, but It's easy to forget that quite a few of them have left because they have recovered. In short, I don't necessarily think that it's a bad idea for someone who is suicidal to frequent this forum.

Oh ok, I assumed that because I was feeling suicidal and now actually have a plan I'm executing and very little chance of turning back that other people were the same.

 

[Sensei]

Oh ok, I assumed that because I was feeling suicidal and now actually have a plan I'm executing and very little chance of turning back that other people were the same.

There are many different people here. The only thing we have in common is that we are in such severe pain that we meditate upon the option of dying by our own hand.

 

[LegaliseIt!]

There are many different people here. The only thing we have in common is that we are in such severe pain that we meditate upon the option of dying by our own hand.

Well stated, @Sensei.

 

[R_N]

Hey Zack, welcome to the forums. Like your avatar, Crisis Core is one of my favorite games. Sorry you have such a hard time and I hope things get better for you.

 

[Jean4]

Are things any better today? Would you like to talk? We are here, and we understand.

 

[Tempeste]

Just bc you're here talking about feeling hopeless doesn't mean you are, or that you have to commit to ctb.
That's something empowering I found on learning about this forum and joining.
When you're feeling suicidal it doesn't feel safe to express yourself to anyone you normally know. They can't understand. They pitch all positive "chin up" Mary freaking Poppins platitudes that make you feel unintelligent and invalidated. They call police and take your choices away. They tell you they have to force you to exist no matter what but offer no real solutions to real problems. Plenty of "here, just feel better!" and prescriptions but for those battling illnesses, overwhelming situations, legal problems, financial ruin...how does any of that help?
So you're stuck with all of these thoughts and feelings and no way to make sense of them.

And that's where SS comes in. You can read along stories of those who've passed, those planning and those who have found other options. Everyone's journey is different but we have a shared core of pain that people who don't think about suicide cannot empathize with.

So talk, listen, take what you can use and sort out what you really want in your own time. No one is going to make you do anything here. It's safe.

Oh and I've already seen for myself that if a person were to post a Goodbye thread, they'd find all sorts of supportive heartfelt messages...and if they posted back to it saying "I've changed my mind I'm calling for help" they recieve the same outpouring of compassion and hopes for your recovery if that's what you want.