NSFW Violent sexual fantasies yet no will to over come SI if I were to ctb

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

This might seem like a strange title and I originally wanted to answer in a thread about sexual fantasies only to realize that I have very violent and extreme ones and some of these I had from an early age onward without being sexual at first. The desire to die violently or of torture but I wince at the thought of self harm in reality or killing myself violently because of SI. I'm less masochistic than I initially thought but I still have these violent thoughts and they calm me down. I suffered physical abuse as a child and at one point the beating seemed pleasurable to me and violence seems like care because it was the only type of attention I received.

Do others here have similar feelings? Do you self harm or not? Does it turn you on to suffer?

 

[rozeske]

I had once read somewhere it is pretty common situation where our mind turns previous truma into sexual fantasy as a form of self preservation. Am sorry you are going through this. I hope you find your peace one way or another

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

I had once read somewhere it is pretty common situation where our mind turns previous truma into sexual fantasy as a form of self preservation. Am sorry you are going through this. I hope you find your peace one way or another

I have these fantasies since a very long time now and not many places to talk about this without being judged. Thank you for understanding

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

I sometimes have urge to lick my SO's blood or let my SO drink mine.
I used to self harm as a teen but the scars are inconvenient.
When I am highly suicidal I want to stab myself but I don't act on it because I know it would be extremely slow death and I would probably end up calling an ambulance....

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

I sometimes have urge to lick my SO's blood or let my SO drink mine.
I used to self harm as a teen but the scars are inconvenient.
When I am highly suicidal I want to stab myself but I don't act on it because I know it would be extremely slow death and I would probably end up calling an ambulance....

I have to urge to stab as well but wouldn't act on it for the reasons you mentioned.

 

[cold_severance]

self-harm is relieving for me like nothing else is. though my trauma coping is derealization so idk, it never crossed into fantasies.

 

[IWishToDie]

This might seem like a strange title and I originally wanted to answer in a thread about sexual fantasies only to realize that I have very violent and extreme ones and some of these I had from an early age onward without being sexual at first. The desire to die violently or of torture but I wince at the thought of self harm in reality or killing myself violently because of SI. I'm less masochistic than I initially thought but I still have these violent thoughts and they calm me down. I suffered physical abuse as a child and at one point the beating seemed pleasurable to me and violence seems like care because it was the only type of attention I received.

Do others here have similar feelings? Do you self harm or not? Does it turn you on to suffer?

Maybe try cubensis mushrooms. I would if in your shoes. Best of luck.