Venting Victimizing myself, a pathetic low

[Sylveon]

As pathetic as it sounds, I really want people to pity me without ever mentioning it. I fantasise about others somehow finding my self-harm scars (even though it's pretty much impossible) and noticing my weight loss just so that they can pity me from afar.

And it's not just about the people. I sometimes go deeper while cutting or start eating less or skip meals entirely just so that I can feel more like the "victim" and pity myself even more, which is really pathetic because my life isn't inherently bad; my only problem in life is me myself, but it just feels so comfy being like this.

Not to mention, people are just so much nicer to you when there's something "wrong" with you or that has happened to you, but of course, people around me know nothing about what goes inside my head, so I just keep spiralling further and further in the hope that someone will eventually notice, even though it's pretty much impossible and there's no guarantee that I'll get the "reaction" I want.

I posted about it a few months ago, but I got laughed at the one (second, if I am being precise) time someone did see my self-harm scars, yet my mindset remained the same for some reason because, as I said, it just feels so good to be this way, as pathetic as that sounds.

This isn't inherently related to suicide or anything like that, but it's something I've wanted to get off my chest for a while now.

 

[itstoomuch]

I understand how you feel. It's not pathetic, and doesn't make you a bad person in any way. As I see it, you are just craving kindness from people in a world where that just doesn't happen much anymore. In my experience, it's easier to be a victim and give up on the world than to try to turn your life around and face failure over and over again. And other people's pity, even from afar, reinforces that.
I hope people notice my self harming and weight loss, not for pity, but because I'm screaming for help on the inside and nobody can hear me. I'm in a hospital where I receive no kindness, I just get mocked and blamed for choosing this life for myself. I get avoided, left alone for days at a time, and treated in a really cruel, cold way.
You are just looking to fill a hole in your life that is already there. You are not pathetic, it is just a part of your struggles. Hope this helps.

 

[SnakesButNoLadder]

Not pathetic, at all

most people want attention, you were honest about your intentions and how far youll go. if i learnt one thing in life, you shouldnt fault people for being honest.

i think there are more people like you on the forum. i dont know why but a lot of people on this forum give me the "kid who wants to be depressed" vibe. too many people remind me of this middle class kid at my old school who faked his mum being dead and cut the wrong side of his wrist for sympathy. difference between them and you, sylveon, is that you've been honest bout it

you have problems, sure. i think this is a real condition and i hope you get help for it

i think my mum has this, she is always fishing for attention. to problematic extremes

thanks for being honest sylveon, i hope you get to the bottom of why you do it

 

[Sylveon]

I hope people notice my self harming and weight loss, not for pity, but because I'm screaming for help on the inside and nobody can hear me. I'm in a hospital where I receive no kindness, I just get mocked and blamed for choosing this life for myself. I get avoided, left alone for days at a time, and treated in a really cruel, cold way.

I can't imagine being in such terrible circumstances :(. I don't understand why things have to be the way they are, but I really hope you get the kindness and help that you deserve. <3

Not pathetic, at all

most people want attention, you were honest about your intentions and how far youll go. if i learnt one thing in life, you shouldnt fault people for being honest.

i think there are more people like you on the forum. i dont know why but a lot of people on this forum give me the "kid who wants to be depressed" vibe. too many people remind me of this middle class kid at my old school who faked his mum being dead and cut the wrong side of his wrist for sympathy. difference between them and you, sylveon, is that you've been honest bout it

you have problems, sure. i think this is a real condition and i hope you get help for it

i think my mum has this, she is always fishing for attention. to problematic extremes

thanks for being honest sylveon, i hope you get to the bottom of why you do it

I sometimes feel like that kid too, lol, but the thing is that I really don't want people's attention; I just want them to know what goes inside my head (or on my body) and see me as the "victim" without ever mentioning it. It's a weird and, honestly, a really low (since I've used the word pathetic plenty of times already) limbo to be stuck in. I can't even think of any terrible analogies to explain this; it is just what it is.

 

[sleepingrabbit]

attention seeking is a phrase with an unfairly bad rep. Most people who seek attention have a reason to need it. Maybe they aren't paid much attention to in their home life, maybe they have few loved ones who care about them, maybe they're just alone. Attention seeking is like calling empathy moths to a painful flame. You're asking people to care in any way possible.

Mini rant aside, replace the phrase "attention seeking" with "support seeking" and see how you feel about ur behavior then. Does it change the way you perceive it?

Anyways, I don't think you're pathetic. You're only human.

 

[Sylveon]

My writing was so much better here...

attention seeking is a phrase with an unfairly bad rep. Most people who seek attention have a reason to need it. Maybe they aren't paid much attention to in their home life, maybe they have few loved ones who care about them, maybe they're just alone. Attention seeking is like calling empathy moths to a painful flame. You're asking people to care in any way possible.

Mini rant aside, replace the phrase "attention seeking" with "support seeking" and see how you feel about ur behavior then. Does it change the way you perceive it?

Anyways, I don't think you're pathetic. You're only human.

I've said this before, too. I really have no business being how I am; I have a pretty normal life on the outside, as normal as it can get for a teenager my age in this country. I do feel that my so-called "issues" started off as genuine, but I actively self-sabotaged to the point where it's really just on me now, or that's what I like to believe.

What I mean to say is that there shouldn't be any support for me simply because I don't deserve it to begin with. I know people would want to argue otherwise, but I know myself quite clearly.

I really don't know or care anymore, honestly. My response would've been different every time, so I've stopped thinking about this at all.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

As pathetic as it sounds, I really want people to pity me without ever mentioning it. I fantasise about others somehow finding my self-harm scars (even though it's pretty much impossible) and noticing my weight loss just so that they can pity me from afar.

And it's not just about the people. I sometimes go deeper while cutting or start eating less or skip meals entirely just so that I can feel more like the "victim" and pity myself even more, which is really pathetic because my life isn't inherently bad; my only problem in life is me myself, but it just feels so comfy being like this.

Not to mention, people are just so much nicer to you when there's something "wrong" with you or that has happened to you, but of course, people around me know nothing about what goes inside my head, so I just keep spiralling further and further in the hope that someone will eventually notice, even though it's pretty much impossible and there's no guarantee that I'll get the "reaction" I want.

I posted about it a few months ago, but I got laughed at the one (second, if I am being precise) time someone did see my self-harm scars, yet my mindset remained the same for some reason because, as I said, it just feels so good to be this way, as pathetic as that sounds.

This isn't inherently related to suicide or anything like that, but it's something I've wanted to get off my chest for a while now.

You sound like you want someone to notice you.
It's okay if you want attention, if you've only really got the attention you wanted when you were little and you were like sick or something it would make sense for your adult brain to crave that level of attention. Some people also fetishize their pain and victimization, anyway what I'm saying is whatever you're going through is just a part of the way your brain works.

Yeah there's something wrong with you,
You've got a lot of hurt and probably a lot of screaming in your head. But no one's going to see it unless you tell them. And to make it clear...
If someone pitties you that would mean they have to be concerned for your well-being or want you to be healthy happy etc... and it's not normal to want to be valued, then we're all just a little fucked up.

 

[enduringwinter]

You want somebody to care, not pity. You will keep spiralling bc all you're ever getting is pity unless you take back control.

I know someone who's hungry for "pity" this way too, she straight up got cancer and still didn't get the caring love she deserved. "It hurts me to see you hurt because you are precious and beautiful and I cherish you so much" kind of care. I'm sorry, people with skills and heart to care like that are simply very rare. I think those who want it, want it because we felt it for others and simply want to be reciprocated.

 

[cryptoinvestor]

Sorry but it is manipulative and not good for the people around you.

 

[rokonie]

I've felt like this many times but realized that going down this path has no end. You'll feel great for a fleeting moment when someone notices the pain you're putting yourself in, but it never lasts and you're back to chasing validation. In a way, getting pity enables you to spiral further into destructive habits and no amount of people noticing you will ever be enough. Living for others' approval ("approval" as in any kind of attention that validates your current lifestyle) makes you neglect your own needs and you'll remain hollow and unhappy.

 

[Sylveon]

Sorry but it is manipulative and not good for the people around you.

Yup, it isn't; it's one of the reasons I wish to take myself out.

I've felt like this many times but realized that going down this path has no end. You'll feel great for a fleeting moment when someone notices the pain you're putting yourself in, but it never lasts and you're back to chasing validation. In a way, getting pity enables you to spiral further into destructive habits and no amount of people noticing you will ever be enough. Living for others' approval ("approval" as in any kind of attention that validates your current lifestyle) makes you neglect your own needs and you'll remain hollow and unhappy.

It doesn't even feel good for that one moment just because of how unconfortable it is to actually talk about these things in real life. I don't even know why I keep doing all this, nor do I trust what I say or do. It's a mess, if you can't already tell that, lol.