Venting (very long) Really wanting to give up, have so much stress and mental illness and my genitals were mutilated at birth.

[grendel4578]

I've got ADHD, Borderline Personality Disorder (and I'm a guy, so I suppose having this is more rare), C-PTSD, AVPD, and severe depression. I have practically zero motivation for anything anymore and I don't want to spend hours in a classroom every day by redoing a year of high school and then going to college - it's torture. I don't think I could earn a decent living without even a HS diploma. On top of this I have an annoying religious family who refuses to leave me alone, and I was circumcised (violently mutilated) at birth, and there is no way that I can fix my penis which is another reason I wish to die. I just feel like everything is pointless and completely meaningless plus we all die in the end anyways. I heard that there is voluntary Euthanasia in Canada and the laws are a lot more lax there, so I may try to go there and do that, or perhaps I'll get a basic minimum wage job and save up to buy a shotgun and then put the barrel in my mouth pointing up at my brain and pull the trigger, but I'm worried I'd fail a background check due to my mental illnesses, though I've never been institutionalized or told anyone about my suicidal tendencies in real life so maybe not. Another reason I want to die is I appear to now have some sort of neurological disorder because my nervous system is about 20x more sensitive to pain and I am constantly paranoid of being injured, for example I accidentally hit my arm against the edge of the microwave door and the pain was so excruciatingly bad I could barely concentrate or do anything for nearly 15 minutes afterwards. This never happened before. I may also be diabetic but the last time I got a blood draw the nurse missed the vein and pushed the gauge needle deep inside my flesh which caused me a ton of pain, and I don't want that ever happening again. My piece of shit family constantly harasses me to get a blood draw, meaning they want me to feel physical pain and have my flesh pierced by a sharp object. I don't know what to do, and wasn't sure whether to put this under discussion or venting.. My family is also extremely poor and I have been traumatized and had my brain screwed up by tons of people. I'm only 18 and just want to end it all. Hanging and slitting my throat & wrists seems like a terrible idea since they can fail and my nervous system like I said has already become extremely sensitive to pain, so that makes things even harder. I've also seen people talk about sodium nitrite here commonly, and I'm wondering how effective it would be and how easy it would be to obtain and if it would be painful to ingest. I really don't care if my parents end up distressed if I end up committing suicide, since they supported having my genitals brutally mutilated through an ancient religious ritual. I'll probably be posting more often and I wanna see what y'all think

 

[endofafoxtwo]

Look into foregen. They're currently in the animal trial phase, they're working at the cutting edge of regenerative medicine to try and repair the bodies on men like us.
(Not sponsored lol)

 

[grendel4578]

Look into foregen. They're currently in the animal trial phase, they're working at the cutting edge of regenerative medicine to try and repair the bodies on men like us.
(Not sponsored lol)

Seems interesting, and I thank you. Though it'd probably be imperfect and I don't think it can deal with keratinization that occurred or restore nerve endings. Even if it could, it'd only really be solving one of my many problems

 

[OceanBlue]

I've got ADHD, Borderline Personality Disorder (and I'm a guy, so I suppose having this is more rare), C-PTSD, AVPD, and severe depression.

So much struggle compacted in one sentence. I'm very sorry you were brough into existence by irresponsible and clearly abusive adults.

I hope you'll find some comfort on this website.

 

[endofafoxtwo]

Actually it would restore nerve function. You'd essentially be growing a whole new foreskin using the decellularized mesh from a corpse. It is very very weird but it seemingly does work. Hardening of the skin is reversible, takes a few months.
EDIT: obv I cant know 4 sure but I bet thr BPD diagnosis is bullshit. I have CPTSD as well and they tried to diagnose me with BPD before that. Its a common issue

 

[grendel4578]

Actually it would restore nerve function. You'd essentially be growing a whole new foreskin using the decellularized mesh from a corpse. It is very very weird but it seemingly does work.

Oh. Yeah that is strange but...rather amazing.

 

[Not.Flugel]

I've got ADHD, Borderline Personality Disorder (and I'm a guy, so I suppose having this is more rare), C-PTSD, AVPD, and severe depression. I have practically zero motivation for anything anymore and I don't want to spend hours in a classroom every day by redoing a year of high school and then going to college - it's torture. I don't think I could earn a decent living without even a HS diploma. On top of this I have an annoying religious family who refuses to leave me alone, and I was circumcised (violently mutilated) at birth, and there is no way that I can fix my penis which is another reason I wish to die. I just feel like everything is pointless and completely meaningless plus we all die in the end anyways. I heard that there is voluntary Euthanasia in Canada and the laws are a lot more lax there, so I may try to go there and do that, or perhaps I'll get a basic minimum wage job and save up to buy a shotgun and then put the barrel in my mouth pointing up at my brain and pull the trigger, but I'm worried I'd fail a background check due to my mental illnesses, though I've never been institutionalized or told anyone about my suicidal tendencies in real life so maybe not. Another reason I want to die is I appear to now have some sort of neurological disorder because my nervous system is about 20x more sensitive to pain and I am constantly paranoid of being injured, for example I accidentally hit my arm against the edge of the microwave door and the pain was so excruciatingly bad I could barely concentrate or do anything for nearly 15 minutes afterwards. This never happened before. I may also be diabetic but the last time I got a blood draw the nurse missed the vein and pushed the gauge needle deep inside my flesh which caused me a ton of pain, and I don't want that ever happening again. My piece of shit family constantly harasses me to get a blood draw, meaning they want me to feel physical pain and have my flesh pierced by a sharp object. I don't know what to do, and wasn't sure whether to put this under discussion or venting.. My family is also extremely poor and I have been traumatized and had my brain screwed up by tons of people. I'm only 18 and just want to end it all. Hanging and slitting my throat & wrists seems like a terrible idea since they can fail and my nervous system like I said has already become extremely sensitive to pain, so that makes things even harder. I've also seen people talk about sodium nitrite here commonly, and I'm wondering how effective it would be and how easy it would be to obtain and if it would be painful to ingest. I really don't care if my parents end up distressed if I end up committing suicide, since they supported having my genitals brutally mutilated through an ancient religious ritual. I'll probably be posting more often and I wanna see what y'all think

Welcome to the site, you are already ten times more sympathetic because you know the difference between NO2- and NO3-. If you want more details there is an SN mega threat. Additionally, if you follow the procedure correctly, SN is one of the most peaceful ctb methods. I suggest you read into the megathreads, be they for ctb or the recovery ones and take a peek into the peaceful pill handbook. Enjoy your stay :)

 

[grendel4578]

So much struggle compacted in one sentence. I'm very sorry you were brough into existence by irresponsible and clearly abusive adults.

I hope you'll find some comfort on this website.

It really is a lot. Every day it feels like I fight myself and it is also rather difficult to regulate my emotions. Sometimes when I see people arguing I remember my parents constantly fighting and screaming at eachother and trying to get me to take one side and chastizing me relentlessly if I didn't and it takes a toll on me. Lately I've also had so little energy that even trying to take a shower and wash my hair feels like too much. I genuinely don't even know if I can muster up the energy wageslaving to save up to purchase SN or a shotgun. Only method I can think of which would take nothing would be self starvation or dehydration but that would probably be painful and result in organs slowly shutting down, and someone would probably attempt to forcefully institutionalize me first before I could die from that.

And thank you, likewise.

Welcome to the site, you are already ten times more sympathetic because you know the difference between NO2- and NO3-. If you want more details there is an SN mega threat. Additionally, if you follow the procedure correctly, SN is one of the most peaceful ctb methods. I suggest you read into the megathreads, be they for ctb or the recovery ones and take a peek into the peaceful pill handbook. Enjoy your stay :)

Oh, do people get them confused often? I see. And is it possible to botch the procedure? I guess I'll think about it and look into it. Wondering how much a lethal dose would cost as well, or how to get it without anyone being suspicious

 

[Not.Flugel]

Oh, do people get them confused often? I see. And is it possible to botch the procedure? I guess I'll think about it and look into it. Wondering how much a lethal dose would cost as well, or how to get it without anyone being suspicious

Most cases that have been collected here can be attributed to human failure. Either because the SN wasn't checked before head or an improper procedure was followed. Getting SN will prove a challenge depending on where you live as there has been a crackdown lately (Canada and Germany). The one good thing from SN is that in most observed cases recovery works fine, there is still a link for an increase in cancer chance if you fuck up but other than this it seems fine. But be sure to read through it yourself, even though it should be obvious suicide isn't a choice one should make out of impulse or without careful planning.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds so awful what you've had to endure, it's so true that this world certainly is such a hellish place and to me it makes sense wishing to finally be free from all the suffering that existing brings. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Jezzibell]

I'm so sorry for the terrible hand that was dealt to you from birth. I cannot imagine how you have coped with so much mental and physical torture. I do know what its like to be in pain and simply feeling you don't want to live like that in perpetuity. Everyone has their breaking point but for me its the slow burn of the same. Waking up at night in pain, knowing the pain will remain all day despite the myriad of drugs.

The heightened pain sounds like something an ex of mine had episodes of. In his case the neuralgia was a symptom of alcohol neuropathy. He was an alcoholic for many years but obviously that is not the case for you.

For blood sugar I would just do the finger prick test kit and if its positive you can then think about doing the blood thing again.

I dont know alot about male penis mutilation. I'm from Africa and it is common in some places for girls.

I did find this

Foreskin Restoration: Is It Possible with or Without Surgery?

Foreskin restoration has roots dating back to ancient Greece and Rome. Although there isn’t any conclusive evidence that a foreskin or its associated anatomy provides physical benefits, surgical and nonsurgical restoration has been done in modern times. Here’s what you should know before trying...

www.healthline.com

They go through non surgical options too.

Surgical foreskin restoration is accomplished by transplanting skin from areas with tissues like those of the penis — such as the scrotum — onto the penile shaft. The resulting expansion of penile skin allows the skin to cover the penis like a foreskin. Unlike nonsurgical techniques, surgical restoration can also restore the frenulum

Friend, I wish you peace. In the 18 years of your life you have suffered more than most people do in a lifetime xx