deshper
Member
- Mar 14, 2019
- 27
Hi everyone,
I used to be on SanctionedSuicide over at Reddit. That place helped me a lot, I believe I was there before all the strict rules came about. There's nothing like being able to express yourself to people who think and feel the exact same way and to be able to talk about it in a place where people will never say that there's hope! And you can get better! And try therapy, it's a miracle! And I don't want to bash people who do say those things, I know they just want to help and they probably truly believe that everyone can get better. One phrase I always remembered from the subreddit was that it's human nature to cling on to life. And that doesn't mean just ourselves and our instinct, but others who see a sick one and it's their instinct to keep them alive at all costs. Like some who are on life support for years because people just can't let go. Anyways, I spent a whole year that time isolated at home, on the subreddit, planning everything out, saving money and ordering my supplies and wrote notes to every loved one and even an unofficial will of sorts, not that I had much. I was going to do it on my birthday, but one day something triggered me and I just got up, got in my car, and headed to the motel. I booked my room and started drinking, not to gain courage, but to make it less painful, I already had a high pain tolerance but I wanted this to be fool proof. So I drew a line with a marker on my neck right over the carotid artery, got my scalpel and basically performed surgery on my self. My plan was to locate the artery and sever it. The funny part is, I had cut my neck so deep and I didn't feel a thing. I don't know if it was adrenaline or alcohol or both. But I didn't feel anything. Then I heard a knock at the door, it was the police. I had no idea how they found me because I made sure I was untraceable. My phone wasn't even with me. I didn't answer and quickly barricaded myself in the room with furniture and started working faster but for the life of me could not find that damn artery. I was in so deep in my neck at this point and just couldn't locate it, I felt and still feel so stupid. (I know now that there's some sort of tissue or sheath covering it so maybe that was why I couldn't see it) The police eventually broke down the door, I have no clue how to be honest, and they yelled at me to get down, they were pointing something at me I didn't have my contacts so I couldn't see if they were guns or tasers, but I had to get down and they got on me and handcuffed me until they guy turned me over and saw the gaping wound in my neck and started screaming. It was a whole mess that ended with me involuntarily committed and man was I angry. I found out by my family that the police located me because my parents came up with the idea to give them my license plate number and they located my car in the parking lot (I'm an idiot). In hindsight, I would've taken a bus. In the hospital I said whatever I needed to say to get out of there because I was planning to try again as soon as possible. But by then I started having symptoms of PTSD, I'll admit, my attempt was very traumatic. I started having panic attacks every night when the time of my attempt came around so I started taking Vicodin pills to calm down. That was a full pill bottle, and I finished it in 3 weeks before moving on to heroin. Those years were the most hectic of my life. I have no idea how to explain it. But heroin took it all away, I didn't try to kill myself again because I no longer felt anything but extreme euphoria. Like everything was alright in the world. Eventually, the police were called on me by my family and I was sent to the hospital/detox against my will because I was "suicidal". I guess they just wanted me to get clean, well it worked so I'm glad their wish came true. 6 months clean now, and on Suboxone. However, I knew this would happen which is why I had a very hard time getting clean, because I knew, as soon as I got clean I would be right back to wanting to kill myself. And I was right. So I did end up looking for that subreddit again and was devastated to find that it was gone. They had banned it along with another one I used sometimes. So finding this website has been amazing. Quite honestly, I'm just so happy to have a place to talk about things like this with no judgement and no lecture.
Anyways, there's more to the story but I really wrote way too much and I doubt anyone will even read it so I am sorry about that. I just wanted to write this post to let you all now that I know i'm new but I'm a real person and have a real story and can be trusted, and that I'm honestly so happy to have found this website.
I also wanted to ask, I've lurked the forums for quite a bit and hear a lot of talk about methods, particularly ones that are painless and I was wondering why no one talks about heroin/fent overdoses? Because I've overdosed plenty and have friends who have as well and let me tell you, it is absolutely painless (unless you're afraid of needles). But seriously, if you have absolutely no tolerance to opiates (never touched opiates in your life) and shoot up a big amount, that's it, game over. I wish I had no tolerance just so I could do that method. Overdosing feels like this, basically you're up and fine for a minute, you blink and you're out cold. Then you wake up to EMT all around you if someone finds you lol. But I don't know I was just wondering why it's not talked about more.
Okay I'm done now, I'm really really sorry for writing so much and I'm so glad to be here.
I used to be on SanctionedSuicide over at Reddit. That place helped me a lot, I believe I was there before all the strict rules came about. There's nothing like being able to express yourself to people who think and feel the exact same way and to be able to talk about it in a place where people will never say that there's hope! And you can get better! And try therapy, it's a miracle! And I don't want to bash people who do say those things, I know they just want to help and they probably truly believe that everyone can get better. One phrase I always remembered from the subreddit was that it's human nature to cling on to life. And that doesn't mean just ourselves and our instinct, but others who see a sick one and it's their instinct to keep them alive at all costs. Like some who are on life support for years because people just can't let go. Anyways, I spent a whole year that time isolated at home, on the subreddit, planning everything out, saving money and ordering my supplies and wrote notes to every loved one and even an unofficial will of sorts, not that I had much. I was going to do it on my birthday, but one day something triggered me and I just got up, got in my car, and headed to the motel. I booked my room and started drinking, not to gain courage, but to make it less painful, I already had a high pain tolerance but I wanted this to be fool proof. So I drew a line with a marker on my neck right over the carotid artery, got my scalpel and basically performed surgery on my self. My plan was to locate the artery and sever it. The funny part is, I had cut my neck so deep and I didn't feel a thing. I don't know if it was adrenaline or alcohol or both. But I didn't feel anything. Then I heard a knock at the door, it was the police. I had no idea how they found me because I made sure I was untraceable. My phone wasn't even with me. I didn't answer and quickly barricaded myself in the room with furniture and started working faster but for the life of me could not find that damn artery. I was in so deep in my neck at this point and just couldn't locate it, I felt and still feel so stupid. (I know now that there's some sort of tissue or sheath covering it so maybe that was why I couldn't see it) The police eventually broke down the door, I have no clue how to be honest, and they yelled at me to get down, they were pointing something at me I didn't have my contacts so I couldn't see if they were guns or tasers, but I had to get down and they got on me and handcuffed me until they guy turned me over and saw the gaping wound in my neck and started screaming. It was a whole mess that ended with me involuntarily committed and man was I angry. I found out by my family that the police located me because my parents came up with the idea to give them my license plate number and they located my car in the parking lot (I'm an idiot). In hindsight, I would've taken a bus. In the hospital I said whatever I needed to say to get out of there because I was planning to try again as soon as possible. But by then I started having symptoms of PTSD, I'll admit, my attempt was very traumatic. I started having panic attacks every night when the time of my attempt came around so I started taking Vicodin pills to calm down. That was a full pill bottle, and I finished it in 3 weeks before moving on to heroin. Those years were the most hectic of my life. I have no idea how to explain it. But heroin took it all away, I didn't try to kill myself again because I no longer felt anything but extreme euphoria. Like everything was alright in the world. Eventually, the police were called on me by my family and I was sent to the hospital/detox against my will because I was "suicidal". I guess they just wanted me to get clean, well it worked so I'm glad their wish came true. 6 months clean now, and on Suboxone. However, I knew this would happen which is why I had a very hard time getting clean, because I knew, as soon as I got clean I would be right back to wanting to kill myself. And I was right. So I did end up looking for that subreddit again and was devastated to find that it was gone. They had banned it along with another one I used sometimes. So finding this website has been amazing. Quite honestly, I'm just so happy to have a place to talk about things like this with no judgement and no lecture.
Anyways, there's more to the story but I really wrote way too much and I doubt anyone will even read it so I am sorry about that. I just wanted to write this post to let you all now that I know i'm new but I'm a real person and have a real story and can be trusted, and that I'm honestly so happy to have found this website.
I also wanted to ask, I've lurked the forums for quite a bit and hear a lot of talk about methods, particularly ones that are painless and I was wondering why no one talks about heroin/fent overdoses? Because I've overdosed plenty and have friends who have as well and let me tell you, it is absolutely painless (unless you're afraid of needles). But seriously, if you have absolutely no tolerance to opiates (never touched opiates in your life) and shoot up a big amount, that's it, game over. I wish I had no tolerance just so I could do that method. Overdosing feels like this, basically you're up and fine for a minute, you blink and you're out cold. Then you wake up to EMT all around you if someone finds you lol. But I don't know I was just wondering why it's not talked about more.
Okay I'm done now, I'm really really sorry for writing so much and I'm so glad to be here.
