Venting venting/wanting to be dead/zero motivation

[LittleJem]

I'm just going to vent because I can't think straight. I've been wanting to die for all of my adult life - it is now at least 20 years of wanting to die every day.
I'm becoming a recluse - I don't' want to see anyone and I'm not enjoying anything.
I hate my work because I'm being bullied and I have lost all motivation and am disillusioned.
I"m sitting here just staring into space/the screen and upset tummy and just feeling terrible.
I woke up this morning and said to my boyfriend I really want to die, and I want to die as soon as possible, and I don't want him upset and I want him to know it's what I want.
He says, what do you want. I want to be dead. I don't want to suffer anymore.
I am done with trying to get better - nothing is helping much, and even if I feel a bit better, I am still wanting to die and just wanting this suffering to be over.
I wish I could die on my birthday which is next month.

I can't think straight enough to plan my death, the moving house I need to do, or anything else. I"m just staring at this screen.
My methods are: possibly the Amitryptiline method - I bought that a while ago and have it. But it takes quite a long time, but maybe it is the best one. Or I would combine it with CO, but then I would need to be in a tent and not in a hotel and I am not sure how to ensure the CO method works in a tent, as you need to tape up the seams or something.

I have to tidy up, move house, raise a grievance at work - and I just don't have any motivation. All I want is to be dead and it's all I think about.

I wish I could find a partner to CTB with but I'm worried I will chicken out or let them down at the moment.

But I really want to be dead.

 

[almost_dead]

I am almost dead

 

[tidalwxves]

I'm just going to vent because I can't think straight. I've been wanting to die for all of my adult life - it is now at least 20 years of wanting to die every day.
I'm becoming a recluse - I don't' want to see anyone and I'm not enjoying anything.
I hate my work because I'm being bullied and I have lost all motivation and am disillusioned.
I"m sitting here just staring into space/the screen and upset tummy and just feeling terrible.
I woke up this morning and said to my boyfriend I really want to die, and I want to die as soon as possible, and I don't want him upset and I want him to know it's what I want.
He says, what do you want. I want to be dead. I don't want to suffer anymore.
I am done with trying to get better - nothing is helping much, and even if I feel a bit better, I am still wanting to die and just wanting this suffering to be over.
I wish I could die on my birthday which is next month.

I can't think straight enough to plan my death, the moving house I need to do, or anything else. I"m just staring at this screen.
My methods are: possibly the Amitryptiline method - I bought that a while ago and have it. But it takes quite a long time, but maybe it is the best one. Or I would combine it with CO, but then I would need to be in a tent and not in a hotel and I am not sure how to ensure the CO method works in a tent, as you need to tape up the seams or something.

I have to tidy up, move house, raise a grievance at work - and I just don't have any motivation. All I want is to be dead and it's all I think about.

I wish I could find a partner to CTB with but I'm worried I will chicken out or let them down at the moment.

But I really want to be dead.

First of all I appreciate you being honest about your feelings and situation. Can you clarify one thing, how did your boyfriend respond when you told him this? Also if you get close to ctb and decide not to that isn't chickening out, its just the decision you made. Death is permanent, and it isn't your only option. I wouldn't want you to judge yourself for changing your mind.

 

[LittleJem]

First of all I appreciate you being honest about your feelings and situation. Can you clarify one thing, how did your boyfriend respond when you told him this? Also if you get close to ctb and decide not to that isn't chickening out, its just the decision you made. Death is permanent, and it isn't your only option. I wouldn't want you to judge yourself for changing your mind.

I've been wanting to die for over 20 years. I really want to be dead. I have told everyone in my life I want to be dead. I've tried therapy. I've tried medication. I've spent today lying on the floor with zero motivation. I'm about to go to bed.

I want to be dead. It's just finding the energy to organise being dead that I am struggling with!!
I just want my boyfriend to not blame himself. We tried everything.
I just want my boyfriend to not blame himself. We tried everything.

 

[Wheelz1985]

You arent alone. I'm in the hospital for surgery to "get better" and still want/plan to die asap.

 

[Reach]

I've been wanting to die for over 20 years. I really want to be dead. I have told everyone in my life I want to be dead. I've tried therapy. I've tried medication. I've spent today lying on the floor with zero motivation. I'm about to go to bed.

I want to be dead. It's just finding the energy to organise being dead that I am struggling with!!
I just want my boyfriend to not blame himself. We tried everything.
I just want my boyfriend to not blame himself. We tried everything.

Does your boyfriend know that why you exactly want to die? Like do you have medical condition, or just tired of life, etc. Maybe if you tell him your reasons and feelings, he will understand your motivation more and won't blame himself?