wandergirl
dreamer on earth
- Oct 5, 2022
- 10
hey :)
hope all is well with everyone. i wish all was well with me. my boyfriend and i fought again. over me not showing emotion or showing care. I have NOT been diagnosed, however, i see some symptoms of being on the spectrum way too often for me. so i try to explain to him what my brain is going through and how it may impact my social skills or even relationships. he understands to a certain extent. i know he does. i know he tries. but when he's questioning me about why i said this in that tone or said this with my words all jumbled or why i can't show this or can't say that, i get frustrated. with myself and him. myself bc i should be much smarter and able to show care the way he wants me to. i feel useless & i feel like I'm hard to love. frustrated at him because as much as he tries to say things in the most respectful and supportive way, it still seems like somethings wrong. i know he wants the best for me. i want the best for him. but a dumb girl who can't talk or show emotions or can't express, or love, or even stare at you when having a conversation, doesn't deserve such a smart boy. im no good anymore. my brain and body has been tainted. i feel like i am no longer lovable. feeling like i want to selfh- to make it better. but the results i want, won't come from anything around me. i don't want to ctb rn at this moment because i want so badly a future that i built for myself, but i don't know anymore. it seems pointless if i feel useless.
hope all is well with everyone. i wish all was well with me. my boyfriend and i fought again. over me not showing emotion or showing care. I have NOT been diagnosed, however, i see some symptoms of being on the spectrum way too often for me. so i try to explain to him what my brain is going through and how it may impact my social skills or even relationships. he understands to a certain extent. i know he does. i know he tries. but when he's questioning me about why i said this in that tone or said this with my words all jumbled or why i can't show this or can't say that, i get frustrated. with myself and him. myself bc i should be much smarter and able to show care the way he wants me to. i feel useless & i feel like I'm hard to love. frustrated at him because as much as he tries to say things in the most respectful and supportive way, it still seems like somethings wrong. i know he wants the best for me. i want the best for him. but a dumb girl who can't talk or show emotions or can't express, or love, or even stare at you when having a conversation, doesn't deserve such a smart boy. im no good anymore. my brain and body has been tainted. i feel like i am no longer lovable. feeling like i want to selfh- to make it better. but the results i want, won't come from anything around me. i don't want to ctb rn at this moment because i want so badly a future that i built for myself, but i don't know anymore. it seems pointless if i feel useless.
