ferret-in-a-sock
Member
- Jan 25, 2023
- 72
Maybe this is the wrong forum, but it's not stricly s-discussion. I'm frustrated. Two things: My psych evaluation came back with nothing new or helpful, and my therapist dumped me...again and I don't know what to do.
First off, I know I'm not an easy person. I'm stubborn, and can be arrogant and unwilling to change. To be honest all of that is mostly I'm terrified. My own shadow scares me. I can easily point out "I acted like this because I'm really scared of this thing." While some days I'm sociable and polite and friendly, I warn new therapists I can become hostile and antagonistic and I recognize it as a problem. I know I shut down when I'm stressed. I have trouble opening back up. Sometimes I can if I force myself to "go touch grass" or at least go outside. But I shut down again quick unless I fix the underlying issue.
But out of 5 therapists, only 1 heeded the warning that my personality is different during those bad times. Some don't seem to get it and so when I become hostile and antagonistic out of nowhere and much harder to talk to, dismissive and ruder they don't seem to handle it well. I don't yell or scream or attack them, I often just struggle to talk or stare off. They focus a lot on my self harm then or my S-ideation then, without listening when I say, "yes, I know it's bad, but here is my exact feelings." They want to mitigate the harm. But won't listen to why I turn to those.
I was hoping the psych eval would at least give clearer guidance. I was wrong. "I don't feel comfortable with you having 5 diagnosis, so we'll drop it to the main 3. Anxiety, PTSD and Depression." Well, lovely, sure we don't need those other 2 then. "Your depression is only moderate. It's not severe." Yeah, sure. I spend my free time on a board called saving puppies from wildfires, definitely not here.
5 minutes. 5 minutes and that was the end of her discussing results. I didn't have questions. If the opening is "I don't think you need all those labels" why do you think I'd have questions? You've already told me what you think. She also seemed to have forgotten our phone appointment and I had to call her. She claimed I missed the email. I did not. I checked spam. Nothing.
That and my therapist not setting me up with a referral has sent me from "maybe recovery. I know I just went through something traumatic. We can talk to a therapist and get some insight" to "well, screw me, i guess."
I know my car wreck is lingering on my mind traumatically. I know a therapist could help. I know there's something toxic about how much I blame my anxiety on the crash and how self-loathing I am, but mentally normal people don't have a bad mood and suddenly lose their minds doing a normal task. I did. I could have hurt other people. I didn't, but god I could have. It haunts me.
Before the trip, I failed DBT which is supposed to be "infallible" but my therapist long before I stopped showing up said "You're not a good fit for this."
So...I guess my first psychiatrist was right. I'm untreatable. We put down dogs with bad behavior, but here I am.
I'm also worried I lost my friend. She's been so distant. She's going through a lot too, but a lot of my future depended on me moving in which all depended on my ability to overcome my fear of driving. When I got to her house at the end of the roadtrip, it seemed that was the proof. It was gonna work out.
Then. No. She was like "just get a new car" but I shut down. I got angry and upset and said this is proof I can't drive now...now we don't talk as much. I badly want to move down there, but I'm terrified more so now I guess. I worried about crashing long before, but it becoming reality seems to cement "see, you can't."
Today, I hate how my thoughts and mood are. How I see my unresponded to message and feel an urge to kms. Fuck, if that isn't clingy and messed up. I then feel like a third shame of "christ. She works 12 hours and has a life, unlike you. Don't sit there and pity yourself because after you've been an ass she doesn't respond as much."
Just why does my therapist have to not refer me for ffs. I need therapy. I need a lobotomy. I need put down. I also hate when therapists go "but you're so self aware?! I don't get why you're here."
First off, I know I'm not an easy person. I'm stubborn, and can be arrogant and unwilling to change. To be honest all of that is mostly I'm terrified. My own shadow scares me. I can easily point out "I acted like this because I'm really scared of this thing." While some days I'm sociable and polite and friendly, I warn new therapists I can become hostile and antagonistic and I recognize it as a problem. I know I shut down when I'm stressed. I have trouble opening back up. Sometimes I can if I force myself to "go touch grass" or at least go outside. But I shut down again quick unless I fix the underlying issue.
But out of 5 therapists, only 1 heeded the warning that my personality is different during those bad times. Some don't seem to get it and so when I become hostile and antagonistic out of nowhere and much harder to talk to, dismissive and ruder they don't seem to handle it well. I don't yell or scream or attack them, I often just struggle to talk or stare off. They focus a lot on my self harm then or my S-ideation then, without listening when I say, "yes, I know it's bad, but here is my exact feelings." They want to mitigate the harm. But won't listen to why I turn to those.
I was hoping the psych eval would at least give clearer guidance. I was wrong. "I don't feel comfortable with you having 5 diagnosis, so we'll drop it to the main 3. Anxiety, PTSD and Depression." Well, lovely, sure we don't need those other 2 then. "Your depression is only moderate. It's not severe." Yeah, sure. I spend my free time on a board called saving puppies from wildfires, definitely not here.
5 minutes. 5 minutes and that was the end of her discussing results. I didn't have questions. If the opening is "I don't think you need all those labels" why do you think I'd have questions? You've already told me what you think. She also seemed to have forgotten our phone appointment and I had to call her. She claimed I missed the email. I did not. I checked spam. Nothing.
That and my therapist not setting me up with a referral has sent me from "maybe recovery. I know I just went through something traumatic. We can talk to a therapist and get some insight" to "well, screw me, i guess."
I know my car wreck is lingering on my mind traumatically. I know a therapist could help. I know there's something toxic about how much I blame my anxiety on the crash and how self-loathing I am, but mentally normal people don't have a bad mood and suddenly lose their minds doing a normal task. I did. I could have hurt other people. I didn't, but god I could have. It haunts me.
Before the trip, I failed DBT which is supposed to be "infallible" but my therapist long before I stopped showing up said "You're not a good fit for this."
So...I guess my first psychiatrist was right. I'm untreatable. We put down dogs with bad behavior, but here I am.
I'm also worried I lost my friend. She's been so distant. She's going through a lot too, but a lot of my future depended on me moving in which all depended on my ability to overcome my fear of driving. When I got to her house at the end of the roadtrip, it seemed that was the proof. It was gonna work out.
Then. No. She was like "just get a new car" but I shut down. I got angry and upset and said this is proof I can't drive now...now we don't talk as much. I badly want to move down there, but I'm terrified more so now I guess. I worried about crashing long before, but it becoming reality seems to cement "see, you can't."
Today, I hate how my thoughts and mood are. How I see my unresponded to message and feel an urge to kms. Fuck, if that isn't clingy and messed up. I then feel like a third shame of "christ. She works 12 hours and has a life, unlike you. Don't sit there and pity yourself because after you've been an ass she doesn't respond as much."
Just why does my therapist have to not refer me for ffs. I need therapy. I need a lobotomy. I need put down. I also hate when therapists go "but you're so self aware?! I don't get why you're here."
