galaxid
Finger Guns(tm)
- Mar 11, 2025
- 98
My partner is a really great person. They're trying so hard to help me. They listened to me talk about all these issues I'm having over the weekend, and I don't know. I wish I could be better for them, if nothing else. But this anxiety is absolutely grueling. I'm going to enjoy my day tomorrow somehow. Enough that I can get myself a gun, I guess. I still can't believe it's come to this.
Health issues happen. I've been telling myself for years that the first thing I'm going to do, the second I know for sure its heading downhill, I'm going to ctb. And its not a huge deal, but I can't fucking see. I've got an appointment for my eyes, but that takes time.In between now and then I'm going to have to grieve the loss of the things I enjoy, because its already impossible using my fucking computer. Boy, am I angry about that. Don't stare at the sun, kids.
The thought of hurting my partner is the most agonizing part of this. I did this really fun thought experiment about what it must be like to die, and. I haven't really thought about it in that respect, so now I'm less afraid of the dying part. More about not being able to do it. That SI is crazy powerful, and if thinking about not being here is enough to send me into overdrive, imagine what it'll be like when I have the means and the emotions to do it.
There are so many things I wanted to do. I never thought I'd make it this far and that's admirable, if nothing else. I always told myself I'd never truly consider ctb, but over the years, it's become apparent that I just can't tolerate it. Sure, my anxiety will fade. My depression will clear. I'll hang out outside and say 'I'm glad I chose to live'. But why? I've had panic attacks like these for years, and every time I think 'just wait it out'. But I'm waiting it out while wasting away, incapable of enjoying the only hobbies I actually care about in the hopes that it will be better one day.
If I buy a gun (and i need to do so very soon), I know I'll use it eventually. There's going to come a time where I can do this, and the disaster that takes place after won't matter. But I don't want to do this impulsively. I want to do this with at least some forethought, and I mean more than having a gun or writing a letter.
I have reasons to stick around, things I enjoy, my partner. For those reasons I'm yet again hunting down help. Because if nothing else, I want to enjoy my last days. Even though it doesn't matter how much I enjoy myself, because at the end of the day I will be dead, and nothing I've ever done will matter to me anymore. But I owe it to myself, to the hard work I've done to make it this far in the first place, to treat myself with a little fucking dignity.
I've seen people concerned about the mess they leave behind and stuff. I hadn't really thought about it, but I've come to the conclusion that I don't care. The only thing I don't want to do is traumatize my neighbors. People tend to freak out when the guy next door shoots himself in the bathroom.
Its a matter of timing, though. The cats need to be safe, so it seems I'd be forced to do this while my partner is here. Which is really sad to consider, but I need someone to do something with the cats. I can't adopt them out. I'd kill myself before I did that, because it would be so devastating a reality that I'd ctb before I got far enough to get them a new home.
On some level I hope my problems will magically disappear so I can enjoy my life the way I wished I could. But that's not how things work. I'd rather bear the guilt until I'm dead than limp along like this for the rest of my miserable existence.
Health issues happen. I've been telling myself for years that the first thing I'm going to do, the second I know for sure its heading downhill, I'm going to ctb. And its not a huge deal, but I can't fucking see. I've got an appointment for my eyes, but that takes time.In between now and then I'm going to have to grieve the loss of the things I enjoy, because its already impossible using my fucking computer. Boy, am I angry about that. Don't stare at the sun, kids.
The thought of hurting my partner is the most agonizing part of this. I did this really fun thought experiment about what it must be like to die, and. I haven't really thought about it in that respect, so now I'm less afraid of the dying part. More about not being able to do it. That SI is crazy powerful, and if thinking about not being here is enough to send me into overdrive, imagine what it'll be like when I have the means and the emotions to do it.
There are so many things I wanted to do. I never thought I'd make it this far and that's admirable, if nothing else. I always told myself I'd never truly consider ctb, but over the years, it's become apparent that I just can't tolerate it. Sure, my anxiety will fade. My depression will clear. I'll hang out outside and say 'I'm glad I chose to live'. But why? I've had panic attacks like these for years, and every time I think 'just wait it out'. But I'm waiting it out while wasting away, incapable of enjoying the only hobbies I actually care about in the hopes that it will be better one day.
If I buy a gun (and i need to do so very soon), I know I'll use it eventually. There's going to come a time where I can do this, and the disaster that takes place after won't matter. But I don't want to do this impulsively. I want to do this with at least some forethought, and I mean more than having a gun or writing a letter.
I have reasons to stick around, things I enjoy, my partner. For those reasons I'm yet again hunting down help. Because if nothing else, I want to enjoy my last days. Even though it doesn't matter how much I enjoy myself, because at the end of the day I will be dead, and nothing I've ever done will matter to me anymore. But I owe it to myself, to the hard work I've done to make it this far in the first place, to treat myself with a little fucking dignity.
I've seen people concerned about the mess they leave behind and stuff. I hadn't really thought about it, but I've come to the conclusion that I don't care. The only thing I don't want to do is traumatize my neighbors. People tend to freak out when the guy next door shoots himself in the bathroom.
Its a matter of timing, though. The cats need to be safe, so it seems I'd be forced to do this while my partner is here. Which is really sad to consider, but I need someone to do something with the cats. I can't adopt them out. I'd kill myself before I did that, because it would be so devastating a reality that I'd ctb before I got far enough to get them a new home.
On some level I hope my problems will magically disappear so I can enjoy my life the way I wished I could. But that's not how things work. I'd rather bear the guilt until I'm dead than limp along like this for the rest of my miserable existence.
