Has anyone else struggled with loneliness for their whole entire life? It makes me feel extremely insecure and it s like there s all there is to me, but after all there are only 3 people in the world who know the real me: my parents and my only friend at school whom i talk to everyday. We re on the same wavelength and she s a Godsent i swear. I couldn t have made it without her, but still i feel insecure about having only one connection. Seeing everyone around so happy with such full lifes is genuinely painful amd exhausting and it only adds to my insecurity. I was mostly fine living like this for a huge part of my life but it just started to get increasingly worse once i started highschool. I became passively suicidal, i was struggling with slowly being abandoned by my deskmate at the time whom i thought was a friend. At the beginning of highschool i tried a bit to leave my comfort zone, i occasionally tried to talk to some people in my class or even speak out loud in group conversations( which was a HUGE deal for me since i was insanely anxious), but after literally being ignored for a few times while other people were immediately answered to, that instantly discouraged me from opening my mouth ever again. So… now i don t even talk to my classmates and they don t talk to me either, i have only that one friend i wrote about, but i d say it s a fairly strong connection. She s the most genuine, kind, loyal, supportive and non judgmental person i ve ever met( though i barely have any experience with people). We re always together, we do everything together at school and i don t think she minds how invisible i actually am at school. I think she likes me for who I am which kind of altered my brain chemistry because my former deskmate who abandoned me just because i was antisocial and not popular. I m now on antidepressants for anxiety and depression( things got especially worse this year, i had crying spells, i could barely get out of bed, i hated myself, life, everything around me, i started to sh, there were times when i would ask God to kill me and everytime i was out i would just imagine myself being ran over by every car i saw, just to name a few things i experienced ) and i m now doing better overall, though sometimes i still have upsetting thoughts. I still think i m the same pathetic loser as i was before just because i have no life, but i no longer feel it on an emotional level. So to anyone struggling i definitely wholeheartedly recommend going to a psychiatrist, pills can do wonders honestly, they keep you going. Now there s this guy i take a tutoring class every week with, we also go to the same school and i have a huge crush on him. We haven t interacted much and our shared context is very limited, however compared to some other crushes i ve had this one at least knows i exist. He seems really extroverted and seems to have many friends and even though i find it impossible for sth to happen between us( he doesn t even look my way when we meet at school and it hurts like a bitch and i barely have any opportunities for interaction ) i can t help thinking that if there was sth between us and he knew about my loneliness then he d think i m a loser and instantly abandon me. And compared to this guy i feel extremely insecure and like a loser one again. When it comes to him i rely on my looks hoping he at least finds ne attractive but i know that s not enough. I wasn t even bullied or abused ever throughout my life so this just adds to my guilt for the situation i m in. I do pretty much nth all day, other than going to school and coming back home i do nth else. Even the psychiatrist was genuinely at a loss for words when i tried to answer such a basic question: what d you do last weekend? Well, unbeknownst to her, i can barely remeber anything, i do nth memorable so everything is a blur.
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