I'm a 26 year old living in America. I found this website a few weeks ago, it's nice to see I'm not alone in my feelings as I thought. I know I will take my own life one day, not today... But one day. I bought a handgun a few years ago (insanely easy here in the States, ordered it online). That will be my method to CTB for sure. This whole N, SN barbits black market stuff seems too complicated for me to figure out.
Over the past few years I've hit new rock bottoms over and over and technically attempted to CTB 6 times now. I was pretty stupid and 2 of those 6 attempts were me sitting in a garage with my car running for over 5 hours without realizing Google's resource of how "dangerous" a car in a closed garage is complete bullshit as I had no idea what a catalytic converter was and never saw any mention of it. (I laughed thinking about articles that said a running car in an garage can reach lethal CM levels in as little as 3 minutes!! What a joke) The other 4 were via handgun but I just... Couldn't do it. SI is a real fucking bitch. I suppose I just haven't reached low enough, which is sad because I just have to endure this pain and suffering until I just can't anymore, no clue how long. I really haven't had a horrific life in the slightest. I just have no will to live as I've grown older I've kinda just had this ultimate disillusionment on the pointlessness of life. A lot to do with bouncing back in forth in my mind about the purpose of life. If there is an afterlife etc. No matter what lies behind the proverbial curtain though, I keep arriving to the same conclusion. It's all bullshit.
It's bullshit that I'm trapped here. I don't want to die because, why? Because it'll make other people sad? My friends and family? You know who wouldn't be sad? Me. I have some really great people in my life but I just can never really repay their love and effort on me as it all turns to ash in my mind. For the record none of them really know the depth of my depression because I put on a fairly convincing mask to try and offer a version of myself that can reciprocate their love & effort but in reality it's all just an act, or at least has been for the last 8 years or so. A fact that has been eating away at me for a long time naturally, but it's not like I can really do anything about that.
Is it selfish to die and deprive them of me? I'm not that great, certainly not as great as I can envision myself being in a different reality. If the only reason I continue to live is for the ease of others, arent i just a slave to them? I never asked to be born. And now even my Dreams which have fueled me for over a decade and a half have lost all edge. Now I want to just sleep peacefully.
I never realized how fucked it is to not have a painless peaceful option for people like us. I recognize some young people are too quick to jumping to ending their life over silly stuff but for those of us who have truly seen through the facade of Life, it'd be nice to just push a button and be gone from it all. I would REALLY love to die in a way that isn't violent and brutal. My dumbass was going to chug a bottle of visine after seeing articles of people killing others with the stuff, when in reality it likely would do nothing. Another joke. That stuff actually makes me laugh. 2022 will be my year though, I hope so anyways.
But the small bit of solace I have is reminding myself that Death WILL come for us all one day, whether by our own hands or not. Everyone catches that bus in the end.
Until then... Just gotta take the heat until it gets so hot that it cracks the strongest instinct in the natural world. We'll get throw this Hell, friends.
Over the past few years I've hit new rock bottoms over and over and technically attempted to CTB 6 times now. I was pretty stupid and 2 of those 6 attempts were me sitting in a garage with my car running for over 5 hours without realizing Google's resource of how "dangerous" a car in a closed garage is complete bullshit as I had no idea what a catalytic converter was and never saw any mention of it. (I laughed thinking about articles that said a running car in an garage can reach lethal CM levels in as little as 3 minutes!! What a joke) The other 4 were via handgun but I just... Couldn't do it. SI is a real fucking bitch. I suppose I just haven't reached low enough, which is sad because I just have to endure this pain and suffering until I just can't anymore, no clue how long. I really haven't had a horrific life in the slightest. I just have no will to live as I've grown older I've kinda just had this ultimate disillusionment on the pointlessness of life. A lot to do with bouncing back in forth in my mind about the purpose of life. If there is an afterlife etc. No matter what lies behind the proverbial curtain though, I keep arriving to the same conclusion. It's all bullshit.
It's bullshit that I'm trapped here. I don't want to die because, why? Because it'll make other people sad? My friends and family? You know who wouldn't be sad? Me. I have some really great people in my life but I just can never really repay their love and effort on me as it all turns to ash in my mind. For the record none of them really know the depth of my depression because I put on a fairly convincing mask to try and offer a version of myself that can reciprocate their love & effort but in reality it's all just an act, or at least has been for the last 8 years or so. A fact that has been eating away at me for a long time naturally, but it's not like I can really do anything about that.
Is it selfish to die and deprive them of me? I'm not that great, certainly not as great as I can envision myself being in a different reality. If the only reason I continue to live is for the ease of others, arent i just a slave to them? I never asked to be born. And now even my Dreams which have fueled me for over a decade and a half have lost all edge. Now I want to just sleep peacefully.
I never realized how fucked it is to not have a painless peaceful option for people like us. I recognize some young people are too quick to jumping to ending their life over silly stuff but for those of us who have truly seen through the facade of Life, it'd be nice to just push a button and be gone from it all. I would REALLY love to die in a way that isn't violent and brutal. My dumbass was going to chug a bottle of visine after seeing articles of people killing others with the stuff, when in reality it likely would do nothing. Another joke. That stuff actually makes me laugh. 2022 will be my year though, I hope so anyways.
But the small bit of solace I have is reminding myself that Death WILL come for us all one day, whether by our own hands or not. Everyone catches that bus in the end.
Until then... Just gotta take the heat until it gets so hot that it cracks the strongest instinct in the natural world. We'll get throw this Hell, friends.
