[venting] Kind of want to recover, but...

[Deleted member 14573]

1. There is something coming up in 2 months for which I have worked very hard for and sacrificed A LOT. I can't have failure. I'm so anxious about it. I really need this to turn out well because if it doesn't I can't imagine I'll want to live. That's why I'm in limbo between suicide and recovery.
2. -
3. My body is revolting and covered in ugly scars, cuts, burns and marks. I just have such deep self hatred/disgust I can't even imagine liking myself, and the thought of living this way for years makes me want to cry. My self-esteem is basically non-existent. It's exhausting.
4. -
5. I don't know if I have a good future. I've sabotaged myself so many times, missed many opportunities because I didn't want to go outside and be seen by people. I've cut contact with almost all of my friends, and I've been failing. Simple tasks are difficult and tiring. I'm sensitive to everything. I am in treatment but there's only so much that it's helping me with. I'm really just trying to get through the day. I can't continue living like this if I want some kind of future that I'll be happy with.

 

[MrBlue]

I'm sorry you're on the fence and anxious atm, I can definitely relate to everything you mentioned. I've been offered a job that I don't think I'll cope with recently, and I've got some pretty nasty scars and features which make me look abit gross tbh. Being overly sensitive and feeling like you're missing out/failing when others are thriving is pretty common on here I think, so even if you don't feel like it, your not alone in that. :)

I found reminding myself that ctb can always be an option later down the line if I really can't handle my life as it is to be quite comforting. I'm under no deadline, so having a crack at enduring my life a little longer is like a really shit game I'm playing with myself, seeing how long last. If you want to talk/vent about anything in particular, then I'm more than happy to be a non-judgemental ear.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

like mrblue said, ctb is always an option.

you said you have something important in two months. you could spend that time trying to live life as if you do want to live. if you do end up catching the bus, it wouldn't hurt to try. "enjoying" a life you don't want to live is easier said than done, though.

i'm sorry you're suffering like this. i hope your important event goes well, and that these feelings ease up a bit.

 

[timf]

You mentioned that you consider your body "revolting" because of scars, etc. In this day and age some people can consider that even the slightest blemish is horrible. However, there are others who deal with severe disfigurement. In the Army I once encountered a guy in the shower whose whole back looked like used chewing gum. I asked him what happened and his one word answer was Napalm.

You might want to consider volunteering at a Veterans hospital or with car accident victims physical therapy at a local hospital. Those who become focused on their injuries suffer an additional disadvantage of depression and disconnection from others. Those who work with what they have tend to do better and engage with others more easily.

The event coming in two moths that you have worked towards may or may not work out. One has to be careful to have a plan B so that if plan A doesn't work out, one is not left devastated. A plan C, D, and E is not a bad idea either.

You mentioned how your view of your body has caused you to increase isolation. Perhaps you should work towards coming out of your self imposed shell. For example, you might consider a mental health group where you could slowly explain to a few others and come to realize that while people might have an initial reaction, in a few days most people adjust and don't think much about what they see. It could be a stepping stone. Many accident victims and some surgery paitents have had to go through the same process of dealing with those who react to what they see. There will be those who avoid you and those who don't care. Since most will not care, you should be able to cultivate relationships with those who aren't put off.