Venting I guess

[Some place nice]

I don't get how you can go from happy to sad so quickly especially when nothing sad is going on. I was doing good for two days and I can't tell my bf bc it's his birthday today so I don't want him to feel bad or get worried about me when he should be happy. I want to be happy, but I can feel myself slipping now. I just want to cuddle him, but I can't he lives too far away. I'm so tired of being depressed and suicidal, he keeps telling me that he knew that I was like this, but yet chose to fall in love with me anyways. I sometimes wish that he didn't so I could ctb without feeling guilty... but then I wouldn't have found the thing that puts the sparkles back in my eyes. I hate myself for wanting to ctb, I hate myself that I put him through this; if I hadn't come into his life than he wouldn't be worried that imma die any day now, that every time we talk, I'm sad. He deserves to have someone who can be happy for more than two days, I don't feel like I am worthy of him... Someone said that he is lucky, but I am, he's so nice, sweet, and easy to talk to, he is willing to do anything for me, but me? I am mean, angry, and all round not a good person, I spew poison everywhere I go. I make everything about me no matter how hard I try not to, I always bring the mood down, and I am not good at caring for others feelings, I haven't showed him much of the real me, and a part of me thinks that he won't care but I do. It makes me sick that someone so nice was tossed out by society and yet I wasn't, I deserve it more than him, but we were dealt these cards, and he has made the best out of them and I'm so fucking proud of him. I know he loves me to an endless amount, and I love him the same way, I wouldn't be here without him, I owe him my life. I remember one day he said something that did upset me, and I didn't tell him bc I knew what he meant but when he said, "I can't wait till spring gets here and you feel better," it kinda stung a lot. It made me feel like I was burdening him with my sadness. I don't want to be a burden, but I know I will bc I am unemployed with no money and a shit ton of mental problems, I am a burden to my mom and family, so why not my bf soon to be fiancé. I can't motivate myself to work and I haven't worked in so long that idk if I just hated working or if it was actually my PTSD from my first job. Ik this is all my depression talking but it's just getting worse.