Preface: I just want attention just once before the end. I am terrified but I am decided about killing myself. Also I won't get into identifying details.
I am in my mid 20s and my life has never been good. I have been diagnosed with mental illnesses, personality disorders and other neurodivergent differences. I am all alone. I am an only child to abusive and neglectful parents. As soon as I could legally move out, I did and without their knowledge or consent. They found me a year later and I moved back with them out of fear. I was not only pressured by them but by someone else I thought I could trust but turns out was just using me.
Earlier this year, my mental health drastically got worse. I am unable to take care of myself and I am losing my cognitive abilities. But because I couldn't handle living in my family's home, I moved out again. This time, with money saved as I was able to keep a job for 8 months. Now I live completely alone. I am struggling to keep a job so I am essentially still living off savings. I do get random jobs here and there. The current one I have is only a few hours a week, online, and it's barely enough to just pay rent. Despite being in my mid 20s, I haven't finished university yet. I can't do it. I have been dropping out of semesters since the beginning. I really cannot do it.
I have been hospitalized many times, I have tried to commit suicide a few times. Only one time was actually close to being successful, but it was back when I lived with my family, and they heard me throwing up. I tried taking pills which messed me up a little, and all my attempts have actually been pills. I know it's ridiculous as it's stupid inefficient or takes forever but it's the first method I tried as a teen and I keep going back to it. But my last plan, I decided to go with an exit bag and I think I will do that (though not a sophisticated one, just a plastic bag over the head).
And really, I'm just alone. My parents hate me (they have let me know many times) so I don't talk to them. I never ever had a friend throughout my whole life up until last year. I will talk about that friend in a moment. Other than that, I just casually talk to random people on websites like Reddit or discord, never making a friend. I'm background noise to everyone, as usual. With my current job, I don't even have to leave my bed. So I don't. I'd say I spend 95% of my time in my bed, 99% of my time in my apartment, and 1% is when I go get food or pay rent.
So I decided I will try and hopefully succeed before Jan. 1st 2020. The reason for it is that ~11 months ago, I met a really kind person on discord, whom I consider a friend. Sadly, they don't care about me that much, I'm just a casual friend to them which is their choice. I don't really tell them anything because when I do, they get overwhelmed and annoyed so our "friendship" right now is centred around memes. I have been jokingly asking them for a Christmas gift, just very ridiculous things I find online. And twice he has said "I've got something better". I have been asking him if he'd like to meet one day, to which he only ever says "maybe" or "I don't know", but a few months ago, he jokingly said we should celebrate our 1 year friendship anniversary, which would be around Christmas time. So part of me wonders if we will meet around Christmas time. So I'll wait and see. I know for a fact it won't happen as he's also expressed not really being interested, but that's the last bit of hope I got in my life so I'll hold on to it until Jan. 1st to see if it happens. If it were to happen, would I stay alive? Probably not. I'm still background noise to him too. But it would be a great thing to have happen before dying.
That's it. I just want to be heard and talked with. I just want to feel like someone acknowledges my existence just one time before I die. Thank you.
I am in my mid 20s and my life has never been good. I have been diagnosed with mental illnesses, personality disorders and other neurodivergent differences. I am all alone. I am an only child to abusive and neglectful parents. As soon as I could legally move out, I did and without their knowledge or consent. They found me a year later and I moved back with them out of fear. I was not only pressured by them but by someone else I thought I could trust but turns out was just using me.
Earlier this year, my mental health drastically got worse. I am unable to take care of myself and I am losing my cognitive abilities. But because I couldn't handle living in my family's home, I moved out again. This time, with money saved as I was able to keep a job for 8 months. Now I live completely alone. I am struggling to keep a job so I am essentially still living off savings. I do get random jobs here and there. The current one I have is only a few hours a week, online, and it's barely enough to just pay rent. Despite being in my mid 20s, I haven't finished university yet. I can't do it. I have been dropping out of semesters since the beginning. I really cannot do it.
I have been hospitalized many times, I have tried to commit suicide a few times. Only one time was actually close to being successful, but it was back when I lived with my family, and they heard me throwing up. I tried taking pills which messed me up a little, and all my attempts have actually been pills. I know it's ridiculous as it's stupid inefficient or takes forever but it's the first method I tried as a teen and I keep going back to it. But my last plan, I decided to go with an exit bag and I think I will do that (though not a sophisticated one, just a plastic bag over the head).
And really, I'm just alone. My parents hate me (they have let me know many times) so I don't talk to them. I never ever had a friend throughout my whole life up until last year. I will talk about that friend in a moment. Other than that, I just casually talk to random people on websites like Reddit or discord, never making a friend. I'm background noise to everyone, as usual. With my current job, I don't even have to leave my bed. So I don't. I'd say I spend 95% of my time in my bed, 99% of my time in my apartment, and 1% is when I go get food or pay rent.
So I decided I will try and hopefully succeed before Jan. 1st 2020. The reason for it is that ~11 months ago, I met a really kind person on discord, whom I consider a friend. Sadly, they don't care about me that much, I'm just a casual friend to them which is their choice. I don't really tell them anything because when I do, they get overwhelmed and annoyed so our "friendship" right now is centred around memes. I have been jokingly asking them for a Christmas gift, just very ridiculous things I find online. And twice he has said "I've got something better". I have been asking him if he'd like to meet one day, to which he only ever says "maybe" or "I don't know", but a few months ago, he jokingly said we should celebrate our 1 year friendship anniversary, which would be around Christmas time. So part of me wonders if we will meet around Christmas time. So I'll wait and see. I know for a fact it won't happen as he's also expressed not really being interested, but that's the last bit of hope I got in my life so I'll hold on to it until Jan. 1st to see if it happens. If it were to happen, would I stay alive? Probably not. I'm still background noise to him too. But it would be a great thing to have happen before dying.
That's it. I just want to be heard and talked with. I just want to feel like someone acknowledges my existence just one time before I die. Thank you.
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