Hey there
I am a 30-something y.o man.
English is not my first language and I dont feel like correcting everything so Im just gonna flow on the keyboard so bare with me on the grammar etc.
I have struggled with anxiety and depression since the age of 13. Started to abuse alcohol in my early teens and that led to heavier drugs...only downers, benzo, opiates, heroin etc and utlimately I ended up in psychiatric wards and rehab centers before finally becoming clean and sober by the age of 26. Now I have been cleand and sober for 5 years and I feel like I have nothing more to live for. I am happy that I came out of the misery and loneliness of addiction but now my everyday life is even more lonely and the futility I experience everyday is beyond difficult.
I have friends but I tend to isolate myself because I feel like everything I do is pointless. I dont want to take an SSRI because I feel like if I do and feel more happy, it is just fake.
I can't watch a movie, I can't watch series even if I would want to to get some relaxation... literally every TV-show and movie feels pointless and all I see is greedy production companys and actors on the screen, and I am too exhaused and tired to follow the plot.
Can't go to the movies, can't go to a restaurant, can't take a walk. It just feels so, so pointless. I do have a few things tho that I still can do, thank God.. (i write them soon)
I have tried everything... every therapy method. I have been traveling the world, I have been living with munks, I have done silent retreats, many many hours of meditation, yoga, soul searching, breathing exercises.. you name it - i tried it. I was in asia for months but when I was standing on that beautiful beach I just felt more miserable. The beauty of the world and nature is not even a thing for me anymore.
I have gotten to a point where nothing nothing nothing works long term and thoughts of CTB feels like liberation. The last year, my suicide thoughts is there every single day.
My coping mechanisms at the moment:
*Working. My job feels meaningless but at least when I am there, my thoughts of suicide and anxiety is lower.
*Thinking about the world coming to an end. Have you guys seen Melancholia? I feel like Kirsten Dunst role. When the world is coming to an end, it means my suffering will come to an end and that is everything I wish for.
*Reading and listening to talks about time traveling, black holes, other dimensions etc because the thought of that there is more than this planet and my own suffering is calming.
(The nights before falling asleep are the worst. I lay 2-3 hours before I can sleep, and listening to youtube-videos about this topic (or similar stuff) is the only thing to block my own thoughts. I also enjoy Teal Swan's videos)
*Masturbation (duuh)
*Working out. I put music in my ears and run on the thread mill to get a dopamine kick. Walking to, and walking from the gym is miserable tho.
This list used to be longer and I am scared that soon these things will also feel pointless. Then I know the time has come to ctb.
My life is so miserable and I feel like this forumis a good place because Im sick of hearing ppl say Think positive.
For me, ctb is the only way out of a living hell.
Waking up every day feels like a prison and just the thought of another meaningless day is almost unbearable.
Thanks for reading...Take care guys <3
I am a 30-something y.o man.
English is not my first language and I dont feel like correcting everything so Im just gonna flow on the keyboard so bare with me on the grammar etc.
I have struggled with anxiety and depression since the age of 13. Started to abuse alcohol in my early teens and that led to heavier drugs...only downers, benzo, opiates, heroin etc and utlimately I ended up in psychiatric wards and rehab centers before finally becoming clean and sober by the age of 26. Now I have been cleand and sober for 5 years and I feel like I have nothing more to live for. I am happy that I came out of the misery and loneliness of addiction but now my everyday life is even more lonely and the futility I experience everyday is beyond difficult.
I have friends but I tend to isolate myself because I feel like everything I do is pointless. I dont want to take an SSRI because I feel like if I do and feel more happy, it is just fake.
I can't watch a movie, I can't watch series even if I would want to to get some relaxation... literally every TV-show and movie feels pointless and all I see is greedy production companys and actors on the screen, and I am too exhaused and tired to follow the plot.
Can't go to the movies, can't go to a restaurant, can't take a walk. It just feels so, so pointless. I do have a few things tho that I still can do, thank God.. (i write them soon)
I have tried everything... every therapy method. I have been traveling the world, I have been living with munks, I have done silent retreats, many many hours of meditation, yoga, soul searching, breathing exercises.. you name it - i tried it. I was in asia for months but when I was standing on that beautiful beach I just felt more miserable. The beauty of the world and nature is not even a thing for me anymore.
I have gotten to a point where nothing nothing nothing works long term and thoughts of CTB feels like liberation. The last year, my suicide thoughts is there every single day.
My coping mechanisms at the moment:
*Working. My job feels meaningless but at least when I am there, my thoughts of suicide and anxiety is lower.
*Thinking about the world coming to an end. Have you guys seen Melancholia? I feel like Kirsten Dunst role. When the world is coming to an end, it means my suffering will come to an end and that is everything I wish for.
*Reading and listening to talks about time traveling, black holes, other dimensions etc because the thought of that there is more than this planet and my own suffering is calming.
(The nights before falling asleep are the worst. I lay 2-3 hours before I can sleep, and listening to youtube-videos about this topic (or similar stuff) is the only thing to block my own thoughts. I also enjoy Teal Swan's videos)
*Masturbation (duuh)
*Working out. I put music in my ears and run on the thread mill to get a dopamine kick. Walking to, and walking from the gym is miserable tho.
This list used to be longer and I am scared that soon these things will also feel pointless. Then I know the time has come to ctb.
My life is so miserable and I feel like this forumis a good place because Im sick of hearing ppl say Think positive.
For me, ctb is the only way out of a living hell.
Waking up every day feels like a prison and just the thought of another meaningless day is almost unbearable.
Thanks for reading...Take care guys <3
