ettereth
New Member
- May 28, 2023
- 1
Dammnm, it has been a while since i did this last time. Ngl i wish i would've done this more activly, but wellps, what u gonna do about it.
The last few days have been crazy to be honest! a Fucking friend of mine tried to take his life and i've been terriefid every time i look on my phone, since then. I'm really afraid every time that I'll get a message from him or his mom. But if I would tell him, I would just fuck him more and I don't want that either. The scary thing is that I don't know how to deal with all this shit, tbh it's just lowered my inhibitions about suicide, which somewhat isn't so great, but also feels relieving and I have an instinctive desire to turn away from him in order to save myself protect. But at the same time i wanna embrace it so I'm not a lone and have someone i can depend one and who can depend on me. And like therapist says that is even legitimate, but i cannot help fearing that if i would distance myselfe from him, it is gonna make him try again… So I'm kinda stuck here. But also I wanna talk with him about it, but my therapist told me, that i shouldn't since I'm in risk of ctb myself and that could be a trigger. But I wanna help him. What the fuck should i do?
Like my first reaktion was, oh he tried without me but i mean i wouldn't let him kill himself, cause i want him to live, but ngl that feels egoistik as fuck to say, like why would it be ok for me to leave this fucking world but not for him.
I appologize for bad grammar and syntax, I'm kinda all over the place and it is hard to think straight. Also I have a boy scouts group and he is my deputy group leader (I think that's the right way of saying it, english isn't my first language) and I'm going to see him in an few hours the first time in person since his attempt and I think there is a valid chance of me just starting to cry. The problem is there is the group of kids (10-12 years old) and i really wouldn't want them to know any of this.
Also for generell info he is 15 and I'm 19 and both not that great mentally and sometimes I wonder if it is ok for me to lead a group of kids and having responsibility for them all. But on the other hand that shit is what keept me alive the last years.
The last few days have been crazy to be honest! a Fucking friend of mine tried to take his life and i've been terriefid every time i look on my phone, since then. I'm really afraid every time that I'll get a message from him or his mom. But if I would tell him, I would just fuck him more and I don't want that either. The scary thing is that I don't know how to deal with all this shit, tbh it's just lowered my inhibitions about suicide, which somewhat isn't so great, but also feels relieving and I have an instinctive desire to turn away from him in order to save myself protect. But at the same time i wanna embrace it so I'm not a lone and have someone i can depend one and who can depend on me. And like therapist says that is even legitimate, but i cannot help fearing that if i would distance myselfe from him, it is gonna make him try again… So I'm kinda stuck here. But also I wanna talk with him about it, but my therapist told me, that i shouldn't since I'm in risk of ctb myself and that could be a trigger. But I wanna help him. What the fuck should i do?
Like my first reaktion was, oh he tried without me but i mean i wouldn't let him kill himself, cause i want him to live, but ngl that feels egoistik as fuck to say, like why would it be ok for me to leave this fucking world but not for him.
I appologize for bad grammar and syntax, I'm kinda all over the place and it is hard to think straight. Also I have a boy scouts group and he is my deputy group leader (I think that's the right way of saying it, english isn't my first language) and I'm going to see him in an few hours the first time in person since his attempt and I think there is a valid chance of me just starting to cry. The problem is there is the group of kids (10-12 years old) and i really wouldn't want them to know any of this.
Also for generell info he is 15 and I'm 19 and both not that great mentally and sometimes I wonder if it is ok for me to lead a group of kids and having responsibility for them all. But on the other hand that shit is what keept me alive the last years.
