Venting venting about something i don’t hear talked about

[gardenfairy]

i have a lot of thoughts on this and they're kind of messy and all over the place but i hope it makes sense to at least one person lol. i've never spoken about this before but i feel safe to share here so please understand..

i have what i consider this niche guilt that is eating me alive more than usual lately. i never hear it spoken about so i feel kind of alone with it. i don't know if i'm looking for someone to say they feel the same or just to say that they understand but i'd like to get it off my chest here where i feel safe.

this was always a thing i felt guilt about but i asked my dad recently why he cried when i was born and didn't cry when any of my siblings were born. he told me it was because my mother miscarried right before i was conceived, and it has sent the guilt a little haywire. i knew that my mother has miscarried a few times in her life but i didn't know (up until my dad told me) that she'd miscarried right before me. i have this horrible guilt about it. i know that some people on here feel that birth in itself is problematic and whilst i understand, due to my own experiences i don't feel that it's true for everyone. there are people in my life who are aware of how shitty the world is but are happy regardless. please understand before you read that i get it, i also wish i was never born, but in my life a lot of people don't feel that way and this is where my guilt comes from. i'm not necessarily pro-life but it may come off that way when i write this, i just ask that you please try to understand.

i stole somebody's life. i stole somebody's life and look at what i've done with it. i don't even want it. i don't understand why i got this chance and they didn't. i'm not pro-life in terms of abortion and i understand that the babies were barely babies, but they were loved. they had a future if only they'd have made it. i feel so much guilt for the amount of times i've shared my suicidal thoughts with my mother when she had babies who wanted to live and had that stolen from them by me, who just wishes it away every single day.

when these thoughts come up the guilt just piles on even more because i get these thoughts that tell me 'wow you're using your mother's real trauma to feel bad about your little trivial problems, you're a horrible person and u deserve to cbt' then it goes back on itself and says 'wow you're thinking like this when all those babies needed was a chance and you had one?' it's a vicious cycle.

a lot of times i've wanted to ask if my mother wishes it was me instead of them so she wouldn't have to go through all i put her through. i never have and i never will because i understand how inappropriate and horrible a question that is but i wish i could read her mind. the fact that she mourns her babies and then i come to confide in her about hating living makes me sick to my stomach with guilt. i feel horrible. the miracle my parents must have thought i was, only for me to turn out this way.

i don't really know how to end this but i would like to share a quote that resonates with me. i respect everyone's religious beliefs but i myself am not religious. the quote goes something like 'if my atheistic beliefs turn out to be wrong and i one day meet god, i won't be the one who has to apologise.' it resonates a lot. it's so fucked up that i got to live and others didn't. it's so fucked up that i got a life i didn't want when someone else could have had it. i wish it was me and not them.

edit: i know that it isn't directly my fault that they didn't live, but their death enabled my existence and i feel guilty for it.

 

[Chili]

I think your situation is very unique, but damn would that be so hard. It sounds like a cycle. I'm also for choice, but it feels like you have some feelings to sort out before you consider going. I'm sure you know that so I'm probably just blowing air

About the mother thing, that is a harrowing situation. I am speechless because I think both your feelings are valid, but I have to commend you for understanding your mother's suffering while also going through your own. That takes a lot of strength. I might suggest you reframe the situation as perhaps a way to bond with your mother, even if from afar. Rainbow babies often come with much despair; she may understand your feelings better than anyone else. You may have asked her that question because of your trust in her. That's a very vulnerable question to ask someone.

Not sure if that is any help. To be honest, your situation is so hard. I am sometimes glad I have no bonds tying me down, though it can be lonely

Wish you well

 

[gardenfairy]

I think your situation is very unique, but damn would that be so hard. It sounds like a cycle. I'm also for choice, but it feels like you have some feelings to sort out before you consider going. I'm sure you know that so I'm probably just blowing air

About the mother thing, that is a harrowing situation. I am speechless because I think both your feelings are valid, but I have to commend you for understanding your mother's suffering while also going through your own. That takes a lot of strength. I might suggest you reframe the situation as perhaps a way to bond with your mother, even if from afar. Rainbow babies often come with much despair; she may understand your feelings better than anyone else. You may have asked her that question because of your trust in her. That's a very vulnerable question to ask someone.

Not sure if that is any help. To be honest, your situation is so hard. I am sometimes glad I have no bonds tying me down, though it can be lonely

Wish you well

thank you for your kindness. your reply means a lot to me.

i don't have any plans to ctb as i don't know if i truly want to die or if i just want to escape feeling how i feel. i like living, i just don't like living this way - i have to determine whether it's always going to be like this or not first, but that's a whole different discussion i suppose.

i don't think i can ever justify asking that question. i know that even if i did ask, i'd wonder if my mother was being truthful or lying to protect my feelings. regardless, i feel that it's not worth me dragging up her trauma for my own selfish reasons. i will take your advice though, i do already feel a connection to my mother's grief because in a way it feels that i'm a product of it. your reply makes me wonder if it would help both of us to speak about it.

anyway, thanks for reading my thoughts. it means a lot that you would listen and commend me, so thank you <3 i wish you well also.

 

[miiau_]

i kind of understand where you're coming from? but i also feel like our situations are different.

in my opinion, your feelings are valid, you're a human with your own experience and you get to feel however it is that you feel about those experiences. taking your mother's feelings into consideration definitely feels like a weight difficult to carry, but you still do, and that says a lot about you as a person ! no matter the decisions you take in life going forward, i hope you'll take your own feelings into consideration as well.

as for my case, i'm the miscarriage, except i survived obviously sdfsdfjh my mom says it was a difficult process and that i had to spend a lot of time in the hospital as a newborn. i know it wasn't my choice to live, but i'm here regardless of that. the thing that gives me comfort is knowing that wether i cbt or not, i'll have stood up for myself.

 

[Chili]

thank you for your kindness. your reply means a lot to me.

i don't have any plans to ctb as i don't know if i truly want to die or if i just want to escape feeling how i feel. i like living, i just don't like living this way - i have to determine whether it's always going to be like this or not first, but that's a whole different discussion i suppose.

i don't think i can ever justify asking that question. i know that even if i did ask, i'd wonder if my mother was being truthful or lying to protect my feelings. regardless, i feel that it's not worth me dragging up her trauma for my own selfish reasons. i will take your advice though, i do already feel a connection to my mother's grief because in a way it feels that i'm a product of it. your reply makes me wonder if it would help both of us to speak about it.

anyway, thanks for reading my thoughts. it means a lot that you would listen and commend me, so thank you <3 i wish you well also.

My reply is very late, but I did want you to know that I read your message ^^ You're in a very tough place, and I think you are doing the right thing by sorting through your feelings.
Your relationship with your mom does sound wonderful, and I hope you have taken some time to connect with her over Halloween. I do hope you choose what feels best for you though that does take some thought. It did take me a lot of thought to come to the conclusion that ctb is my best choice, but it's a choice you must make for yourself, like you say. Right or wrong is up to you. And, you're welcome. You do deserve it <3