Jinnberg
Member
- Apr 23, 2021
- 24
Gender dysphoria has been something I've struggled with for a while now and is one reason as to why I'm so miserable. I'm fairly certain it started when I was 14. My neighborhood had lots of creepy old dudes who would constantly make comments on young women's bodies, the usual catcalling and trying to get the girls to go inside with them.
Boys at my school would also try to fondle me, I never told anyone at the time because they probably wouldn't believe me.
Being constantly sexualized as a teenager made me want to revert back to my old body, the one of a child. That's how my eating disorder started, I wanted to be "pure." I wanted to look innocent. I wanted to be so skinny that no one would want to touch me.
My body started to look foreign, it felt as if it didn't belong to me. Despite my ED, my body still continued to develop into that of a women. It was horrifying watching it take shape.
It was like watching a body horror flick, I still cry about the way my body looks to this day. I can't look at myself in the mirror without cringing.
It didn't feel like me at all, it felt like I was in the body of a complete stranger.
And despite all this, I still have the destructive desire to be beautiful, to appeal to men despite not being attracted to men.
I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, I only started to feel somewhat better (although I still hate being looked at) when I started to dress and look more like a man. It was like a giant boulder was lifted off my shoulders.
Unfortunately, I don't have the money to remove my breasts yet and I still want to die. However, it still is a step forward, albeit a small step forward.
I want to be there for my niece, my own personal projects, my sister, and my mother. If I were to die, then my mom wouldn't be able to function and as a result my sister would struggle taking care of my niece alone.
I feel like so much relies on me staying alive, but it's so difficult to keep going. I'm so glad I was able to let this all out.
Sorry for not being here much, I've been busy with some of my projects and commissions. ^^"
Boys at my school would also try to fondle me, I never told anyone at the time because they probably wouldn't believe me.
Being constantly sexualized as a teenager made me want to revert back to my old body, the one of a child. That's how my eating disorder started, I wanted to be "pure." I wanted to look innocent. I wanted to be so skinny that no one would want to touch me.
My body started to look foreign, it felt as if it didn't belong to me. Despite my ED, my body still continued to develop into that of a women. It was horrifying watching it take shape.
It was like watching a body horror flick, I still cry about the way my body looks to this day. I can't look at myself in the mirror without cringing.
It didn't feel like me at all, it felt like I was in the body of a complete stranger.
And despite all this, I still have the destructive desire to be beautiful, to appeal to men despite not being attracted to men.
I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, I only started to feel somewhat better (although I still hate being looked at) when I started to dress and look more like a man. It was like a giant boulder was lifted off my shoulders.
Unfortunately, I don't have the money to remove my breasts yet and I still want to die. However, it still is a step forward, albeit a small step forward.
I want to be there for my niece, my own personal projects, my sister, and my mother. If I were to die, then my mom wouldn't be able to function and as a result my sister would struggle taking care of my niece alone.
I feel like so much relies on me staying alive, but it's so difficult to keep going. I'm so glad I was able to let this all out.
Sorry for not being here much, I've been busy with some of my projects and commissions. ^^"