Venting ventign

[ratlover223]

Anytime I'm alone I don't feel good. I don't feel like I am really worth anything and I think I'm purposefully not trying to improve myself. I often think about the past just to make myself feel shittier after a slight inconvenience- for example, losing a game. I can't be good at anything is really my thought process and I don't feel like I can be the best, there is always someone better than me.

I only have my partner but she is long distance. I am alone almost always, even in classes that I take. I have had absolutely no friends except a couple, and even then, they aren't close with me anymore. I feel like I am just worthless and I will never be the best at something I really love to do so when I make a tiny, itty-bitty mistake, it's always my fault. I guess I am just stubborn that way.
There were so many situations involving me and past boyfriends where I was always to blame for messing up (either playing video-games with friends or communicating) and what they've told me has stuck with me.

I suck with communicating. I suck at trying to better myself. I can't escape thoughts on wanting to die even though I don't want to go through with them. I think about what happened to me and it was my fault for being raped. It's all my fault that I ruin everything in relationships. I was ruined and they don't want someone who is ruined. I don't learn from my mistakes and I don't intentionally want to hurt the people I care about but they all seem to leave and one common reason they've all told me was "no matter how hard I try, you can't be happy". They all gave up on me and I feel like giving up on myself. I'm not good at talking about my feelings and I don't know why. It's so hard to talk about how I'm feeling and I just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and lay there forever.

 

[alpris13]

For what it's worth, i'm stuck in a cycle similar to yours, and i've seen many people in the same cycle. I have this almost infalliable belief that i can't do anything right, and that usually prevents me from trying or even putting forth effort to better myself. Tiny mistakes and inconveniences add to this, which isn't right, because even though there's no sense in getting upset over something insignificant, it eats away at any confidence or hope for a better life. It's an awful cycle, but it's not one that can't be overcome.

I'm truly sorry for your traumatic experiences, and it's not something i could even begin to imagine. However, please don't blame yourself for them. I know how difficult that can be, especially if you believe they were your fault, but i promise they weren't. You can't pin the blame on yourself for struggling. No matter how much you may think otherwise, you aren't "ruined", nor are you a lost cause. I hope you're doing okay and that your situation can improve soon. Please do try to hang in there.

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound tiring what you have to go through and it sounds like you've suffered a lot. Life really is so unnecessarily cruel but anyway I wish you the best.