redsendtend
Member
- Feb 13, 2026
- 35
Im so tired. Nothing feels real. I wish i could be on an island and just live there. It's terrible because things actually objectively bad. I'm just so tired. I just wish if I could stop thinking, seeing remembering, hearing and everything. It's so tiring. I'm trying to pray but it hurts. Life seemed like it wouldn't actually be a total faliure but now it seems hopeless. I wish if I didn't impose limits on myself. I wish if i could be independant but knowing that it seemss like I'll be too weak to live too dumb to read it just hurts. I just feel so dumb and even if I did want to escape my current condition I couldn't. People are confusing: they say that they care but they don't act like they care. I feel so fragmented. Dissasociated so bad. I feel super pathetic. Everyone treats me like . I don't even want to mention my condition because if I do I fear I may get pity again, I hate pity. Now I don't even know if God is real. Literally everything that I believed is turning out to be false. I don't know what is a 'nice' tone. I don't even trust my own mind. I just feel like I'm too accomodating and now it's shortcircuited and now I accomodate to everyone and I just can't. Keep telling myself that I can't be perfect but my mind says that if Jesus was and He's human then yeah you can. My mind can't comprehend 'simple' things and I always look at things so fundamentally which helps for maths but for other things it's hard. I just feel like a computer. I don't feel like a human. Idk if it's because . I'm trying to complete my a-levels but I just can't, I'm so weak that I shut myself down and only need love to progrss to anything notable. I just really want to die because I have resources and all but I can't use them because my body is too stupid and messed up. I just feel so scared. I don't like being on here much because I feel more suicidal knowing other people hurt and no one's helping them, I just want to die. I try to experience everyone's misfortunates so I can understand them: idk if its because they think im abnormal so im trying to be normal by learning. What really hurts me (nonreligious people may click off) is when I get overstimulated or scared I go computer mode and can only follow very simple instructions and very clear. I mistake it sometimes for supreme clarity which helps with maths as i said but other than that it makes me so dumb in other areas. It's not aomething fixed because when I'm calm I can understand more complex instructions. I feel like no one understands me and no one ever will expect God and Jesus but the thing id, Jesus is dead or at least I'll never get to touch Him like a real human and God is 'unseen' so the most pathetic thing I can do is imagine Him holding my hand or hugging. It's just so annoying because my family probably really love me but because my parents just refuse to acknowledge my condition I just don't trust people who claim to love me. Feels like I'm never going to learn anything and I'll be dumb forever. Honestly people think I overreact when I say I'm suocidal but I'm precise with my words or at least when I'm calm. Always have to have a mirror so I'm not petrifying someone with an expression that doesn't exactly match my feelings. And when people react to my emotion in a way that they shouldn't react it fragments my mind a lot. Imagine this: you feel scared but when you feel scared you show an angry expression because idk maybe you use it as a shield, you learnt it from someone or tgats your true emotion, either way you CANNOT try to look scared because when you lie it looks like an cringe-worthy ugly clown show so you're forced to truthfully show how you look. Now you feel scared and you think that you look scared or thats what you think at first. Then the receptor/person you're speking to, sees that and reacts in a totally uncalled for way (thats what you think). Now youre confused its like I was scared and then you're replying/reacting in a way thats scary, why are you doing that? My brain goes down all sorts: do you hate me, are you genuinely with no offence, of poor cognition, or fon't understand social cues, or maybe you think that youre not doing anything qrong and that is how youre bbrought up? Also when I'm precise with my wording people think I'm trying to humour them or be funny but I'm actually trying to be precise. Maybe that's why I had a fixation on words because clear communication is the most reliable thing thay I have faith in when I communicate. Thats why it's stressful to speak to people who speak by association instead of a sort of conservative understanding of words because they don't understand me. So then I have to remember how my mum used to speak to me and deploy that sort of speech but it's fustrating for me because if I do that then we're engaging in a superficial interaction which I find that to have no substance and therefore not valuable, so then people think I dislike them but actually I don't. Even more stressful when you're female because being disengaging or rude in any sort of manner is like social self-harm or like a society suicide. That's why I sort of adopted a tomboy dress because then aquaintances were more receptive of my rude manner. I've also resonated with characters like Sherlock Holmes, Rick from Rick and Morty for their (i think) similar character, for their value in substancial cobersations and . When I don't engage in something substancial I feel like I'm trecherously betraying myself and/or degrading myself. I also have been reading/prioritising prose from 1700-1900 so my understanding of words and communication may have been altered because of that but i don't really think so because I always . I thought that people were valued more in school for how much of themselves they could subscibe to convention
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