BlueLock
Member
- Nov 8, 2024
- 13
Feel free to vent in the comments so I feel a little less guilty about making people read this. Haha
I'm 20 and a college dropout (Flunk out is the better word but eh I checked out mentally by the first semester) I've tried minimum wage jobs but I've never stuck with them for more than 5 months for this reason or that, I've had about 4 total (two of which I quit, one I was fired from, and another one that was a weird mix of me quitting and being let go.) And the time I haven't spent working I've done literally nothing for myself. I lay in bed most days, just watching a screen or at best reading a book. I'm fucking tired, bone tired of this life.
I've dated and I don't like who I become when I'm in a relationship, I feel like I turn into an insecure people pleaser and it's just pathetic, literally it's the fact that 2 of 3 of the guys I ended up dating only fucking happened because I couldn't say no/liked the attention... Begging a guy I was hooking up with to officially take me out was seriously my lowest point... Screw being 19 fr. Anyways I've sworn off dating and for the most I've liked it. Been celibate for half a year now and I don't really wanna change that, even if the idea of dating is nice in practice its just a mess.
My family... It's always been a mess and to put it simply I have a mentally checked out dad, a BPD mom (no hate to anyone else with the disorder but fuck my mom in particular) and an autistic sister, who I love very much and is my anchor but yknow it's not easy. Everyone in my family is depressed/unhappy and I feel like they've always been. My sister feels lost and hopeless because of the childhood abuse we got from our parents and my dad is Just Not There even when he's in the same room as us. My mom actually tried to kill herself 2 weeks ago. She downed a whole bottle of Xanax and was knocked out cold. It was very traumatic. 20 paramedics and police in our house for an hour. I knew she wouldn't die (Bro I'm on this site I know the correct methods) but I still cried and panicked. I hate her but I couldn't help but worry about her... Though not as much as I maybe should've, the week she was in the hospital the house felt so much lighter I felt like I could breathe. Now she's back and to my knowledge refusing therapy and whatnot. Worst thing is she might've taken an early retirement so she's here 24/7 with me. Lol fucking great. Oh and we haven't really spoken at all these 2 weeks. Typical of our relationship though, it's been rocky like this since I was like 11. I must say it's been interesting to see the otherside of a suicide attempt. Anyone who thinks there family won't care/be traumatized doesn't know the half of it... Makes me rethink my exit strategy. Not enough to stop it unfortunately but I want to make it easier on my sister...
I want to kill myself bad, espically right now in this moment. It's been a difficult few days on top of a difficult month on top of a difficult year... you get the idea. There's no hope for me in my eyes. I have a case worker whos so sweet and helpful but she seems to think there's hope for me when I can confidently say there is not. I've wanted to die since I was 13. I feel like I'm wasting everyones time by giving them false hope when my end goal has not changed in 4 years. I seriously wish I was never born It's been one humiliation/rejection after another in my life. I have a means to commit suicide and make it stick and everyday my hope of things getting better is diminishing. I hope I can finally do it and put all this to rest. Fuck everyone seriously I've felt alone and meaningless my whole life.
Here's to not making it to 2026.
On a real note if you are an autistic man dating a bpd woman or vice versa NEVER have children. They will grow up hating being alive. My sister and I are proof of that lmao.
I'm 20 and a college dropout (Flunk out is the better word but eh I checked out mentally by the first semester) I've tried minimum wage jobs but I've never stuck with them for more than 5 months for this reason or that, I've had about 4 total (two of which I quit, one I was fired from, and another one that was a weird mix of me quitting and being let go.) And the time I haven't spent working I've done literally nothing for myself. I lay in bed most days, just watching a screen or at best reading a book. I'm fucking tired, bone tired of this life.
I've dated and I don't like who I become when I'm in a relationship, I feel like I turn into an insecure people pleaser and it's just pathetic, literally it's the fact that 2 of 3 of the guys I ended up dating only fucking happened because I couldn't say no/liked the attention... Begging a guy I was hooking up with to officially take me out was seriously my lowest point... Screw being 19 fr. Anyways I've sworn off dating and for the most I've liked it. Been celibate for half a year now and I don't really wanna change that, even if the idea of dating is nice in practice its just a mess.
My family... It's always been a mess and to put it simply I have a mentally checked out dad, a BPD mom (no hate to anyone else with the disorder but fuck my mom in particular) and an autistic sister, who I love very much and is my anchor but yknow it's not easy. Everyone in my family is depressed/unhappy and I feel like they've always been. My sister feels lost and hopeless because of the childhood abuse we got from our parents and my dad is Just Not There even when he's in the same room as us. My mom actually tried to kill herself 2 weeks ago. She downed a whole bottle of Xanax and was knocked out cold. It was very traumatic. 20 paramedics and police in our house for an hour. I knew she wouldn't die (Bro I'm on this site I know the correct methods) but I still cried and panicked. I hate her but I couldn't help but worry about her... Though not as much as I maybe should've, the week she was in the hospital the house felt so much lighter I felt like I could breathe. Now she's back and to my knowledge refusing therapy and whatnot. Worst thing is she might've taken an early retirement so she's here 24/7 with me. Lol fucking great. Oh and we haven't really spoken at all these 2 weeks. Typical of our relationship though, it's been rocky like this since I was like 11. I must say it's been interesting to see the otherside of a suicide attempt. Anyone who thinks there family won't care/be traumatized doesn't know the half of it... Makes me rethink my exit strategy. Not enough to stop it unfortunately but I want to make it easier on my sister...
I want to kill myself bad, espically right now in this moment. It's been a difficult few days on top of a difficult month on top of a difficult year... you get the idea. There's no hope for me in my eyes. I have a case worker whos so sweet and helpful but she seems to think there's hope for me when I can confidently say there is not. I've wanted to die since I was 13. I feel like I'm wasting everyones time by giving them false hope when my end goal has not changed in 4 years. I seriously wish I was never born It's been one humiliation/rejection after another in my life. I have a means to commit suicide and make it stick and everyday my hope of things getting better is diminishing. I hope I can finally do it and put all this to rest. Fuck everyone seriously I've felt alone and meaningless my whole life.
Here's to not making it to 2026.
On a real note if you are an autistic man dating a bpd woman or vice versa NEVER have children. They will grow up hating being alive. My sister and I are proof of that lmao.
