(Vent) Potential New Med

[BetweenRadioStations]

TLDR; Asking for new med because my impulses to self harm are getting out of hand. My moods have been rotating more often the last few days which then changes how I feel about asking for the new med. I am looking for support. Moods are the tint to the windows of Past, Present, and Future. (I take Lithium, Lamictal, and Thyroid)

Questions:
Thoughts on post?
Similar experiences?
Advice?
And meds that have worked for you?

Hello all
Right now I feel fine. In 20 minutes, an hour, two hours, I'm not sure if that will be the case. I'm pretty good at managing so people in the outside world will think everything's peachy because I don't want to be an inconvenience nor deal with the conversation about what's going on even though I'm desperate for human connection. At least when it comes to the want for a relationship (different rant lol)

The other day I was running a knife on my thigh not with the intention of cutting, even though I really wanted to, but nonetheless I ended up cutting by accident. A tad too much force and a minor cut was born. But I like things in two and symmetrical and one on each leg won't cut it. So I ended up with two on each thigh. This was followed by lighting a candle and letting the candle wax fall onto my thigh. Pain, minor damage, no hospital visit, no awkward conversation is fine by me. I did the candle wax thing again today and have been able to fight off the urge to cut but with significantly more difficulty since the accidental incision.

However...
By crossing this threshold these impulses are starting to take their toll. Yes, I've had them before but some of these impulses feel as if they are non-negotiables. I take responsibility. I feel powerless when it happens. It makes me obsessive and hijacks my thoughts and emotions. Sometimes I think I got it, or that it's finally going away and then... BLAM! I'm doing it. I cut for blood, the release, and/or because sometimes, whether I want it or not, I feel dragged by my mind to do it. If you drop a rock on the ground and before hitting the ground the rock becomes conscious and has a moment to think and the rock thinks to itself, "Hmmm, I don't want to hit the ground," It doesn't change the fact that Mr. Rock is going to hit the ground. I'm the rock. That part of my mind is gravity.

This has only been a couple of days but I don't really want to gamble with this nor start hitting the threshold of wanting to dance myself to oblivion. My family has forked up some cash to raise me from the dead and the least I can do is my part or at least not go to shit while living with them. I know this is small in the world of self-harm but I have enough insight to give myself a fairly good reading and I smell blood, emotions, and hospitalization if I don't do something about it soon. So here I am.

Tomorrow I will be bringing this up with my doctor at the AMEN clinic to see what she thinks.
What do you guys think?

My diagnosis is: Bipolar 1, ASD, Dissociative Spectrum, and maybe more if you are wondering.

P.S. Thanks for listening.
The community here is amazing. A gem in the universe despite the irony.

 

[mossyfox]

I have bipolar 1 and take lamictal and anti depressants but also Klonopin. since Klonopin requires me to see the doctor every month and visit the pharmacy every month and was supposed to be for just anxiety, I've tried to get off it many times. I thought I could manage anxiety on my own. I went off it more than long enough to for 'revenge' anxiety symptoms to come and go.

What ended up happening is that I found out the Klonopin was treating way more than average anxiety and preventing panic attacks. It prevents me from self harm also and obsessive thoughts, especially thoughts on a loop of literally every negative memory about why I'm a piece of shit.

Still on Klonopin I do very minor skin picking which leaves tiny marks that I treat with a scar cream and then they fade.

So my only suggestion I can offer is asking for Klonopin because it is a long release sedative that for people with bipolar can treat other aspects of the condition, I confirmed this with my psych. I only take the lowest dose, .5mg once a day.

 

[mossyfox]

By the way, I just love your rock analogy. First, I picture a cute little conscious rock waking up and then surprised face and slam. But also I've never known a good way to describe that pull to do things that I don't want to do that people who live with me see and they say, 'well just stop then' and I have no way to explain it.

But the disorder often is the rock taking over, following it's own physics and we have to go along for the ride, trying to stop it.

 

[Squiddy]

At my worst a couple years ago, I was self harming multiple times a day. My psychiatrist in the hospital at the time eventually introduced me to this med called Naltrexone. It really does help my urges and decreases how much I self harm.

 

[BetweenRadioStations]

At my worst a couple years ago, I was self harming multiple times a day. My psychiatrist in the hospital at the time eventually introduced me to this med called Naltrexone. It really does help my urges and decreases how much I self harm.

Thanks so much for the reply. I'll check it out.

By the way, I just love your rock analogy. First, I picture a cute little conscious rock waking up and then surprised face and slam. But also I've never known a good way to describe that pull to do things that I don't want to do that people who live with me see and they say, 'well just stop then' and I have no way to explain it.

But the disorder often is the rock taking over, following it's own physics and we have to go along for the ride, trying to stop it.

Gravities a bitch, especially for us rocks caught in the middle

 

[Squiddy]

Thanks so much for the reply. I'll check it out.

Gravities a bitch, especially for us rocks caught in the middle

Good luck :) if you do get it, hopefully it works for you too

 

[Kattt]

I find most doctors really don't like the idea that you have any understanding of your condition or appropriate medication. But remember,they can't make you take anything. So maybe ask for some options to look into.