vent post

[iamalwaysalone]

haven't been back in a while but here i am again. just need somewhere to vent bc as always i literally dont know who else to tell it to bc i dont want to bring down the people around me. god i hate myself. not as much as i used to but like, clearly i dont like spending time with myself. its really hard for me to find joy in life again, im kinda just ambling on. but i dont want to die bc im so scared of death but at the same time i so desperately do. ideally i would have a really good trip and overdose on something so i die feeling euphoric. but i also dont want the people i love who love me to hurt. i had a dream last night that one of my friends committed suicide and i was so devastated. i always feel so selfish feeling this way bc i have everything anyone could ask for but its never enough for me. maybe its bc im weaning off my lexapro, but i dont think it really did much for me anyways. im trying to get on wellbutrin. how do you find a meaning in life? does anyone have an answer? am i too young to be feeling this way? i'm only 21. people tell me things will get better. they promise me. and it does for maybe a few hours in a day. but then the rest i feel so empty. empty empty empty i hate it so so much. i dont want to feel nothing. i dont want to feel sad either. i want to feel joy and mania and pure happiness. when im older maybe ill have a euthanasia party or smth, idk i feel like i just have to keep trying for societys sake. idk. another thing i dont like about myself is that a lot of times when im upset its triggered by men. i have lots of love in my life but i guess bc i never had a relationship or whatever im like ok thats what will fix me and so when that goes wrong im like damn. i guess cuz its like im still so sad with friends n family so maybe a relationship will be different. but most likely ill find a relationship and still feel miserable. feels kinda lame that getting ghosted once again emphasized these feelings. idk man shits hard. its not even that hard for me im just weak and cant handle it. really hope shit gets better idk how. im looking to wellbutrin as my savior now.

 

[FuneralCry]

There simply isn't any meaning in life. We all exist for no reason just to die and be forgotten about. At the end of the day nothing really matters. All of the things that humans see as being important now will eventually be unable to matter to us as one would need a consciousness to care about anything. People invent meanings in life as they find the true meaningless nature of existence hard to come to terms with.

I believe that there is no such thing as being too young to suffer and be suicidal. I'm also 21 and I personally believe that suicide is the most rational choice and is what makes sense for me as it will prevent so much suffering.
If you are looking for positive advice then there is a recovery section on here. I wish you the best.