Venting vent on my trauma

[synthcadia]

just thinking about all of the shit in my life and stuff i went through.

a rundown:

- sexual assault + grooming
- grief due to sudden death
- generational trauma
- toxic household

and people have told me i'm strong and brave but… i dunno. i feel like people have gone through worse. but at the same time i know that everyone's pain is legitimate.

sometimes i'm surprised that i'm alive.

also, for me, i do not like death. i have failed to come to terms with it. and i mean death that has come upon us suddenly, not chosen. been to so many funerals.

that's just me ig. i feel like i'm attention-seeking.

 

[MrDarkness]

Your not attention seeking, I'm so sorry you had to go through that hell hole of grooming, if I could ctb and know that I could prevent someone from suffering that fate I would, I hate how awful humans can be

 

[synthcadia]

thank you. <3 i realized that the grooming has occurred through the majority of my life.

i hope no one else had to go through that too.

speaking of ctb, i have thoughts about ctb, but i dunno if i have the courage to ctb.

humans can be awful too. but they can also be magical (my gf).

 

[AllFoxedOut]

im sorry for the suffering you have had to endure <3 it sounds horrible! don't feel like you're attention seeking or anything of the sort, we're all here to commiserate and im sure many of us here relate to your suffering. I know i do.

death, the end of all things, is a difficult thing to comprehend for us living. but personally I find the idea of my existence just ceasing... peaceful. no more hurt, no more suffering or worries.

 

[synthcadia]

thank you foxes. <3 that's why i like sasu because i don't feel alone or like i'll get weird looks. i am not worried about being called a faker.

yeah for my death i feel like it'll be peaceful. it just feels horrible when others die when they wanted to live or didn't choose to die. like many of my relatives died of cancer, and they didn't want to die… ya know? i guess it was traumatic for me, since the first funeral i went to i was 3.
i just want to say thank you to the responses, love, and support. it means a lot to me. <3

 

[AllFoxedOut]

thank you foxes. <3 that's why i like sasu because i don't feel alone or like i'll get weird looks. i am not worried about being called a faker.

yeah for my death i feel like it'll be peaceful. it just feels horrible when others die when they wanted to live or didn't choose to die. like many of my relatives died of cancer, and they didn't want to die… ya know? i guess it was traumatic for me, since the first funeral i went to i was 3.

that's an early age for your first funeral- it must have been difficult. it is unfair when life is taken before somebody is ready. I'm sorry for your losses :c

my grandma died during the covid lockdown days, so it was a livestreamed funeral. it was a strange feeling. no tears, nothing. I just felt empty.

 

[feder]

Wanting to share your pain with other people and receive support is natural and not attention seeking. Never understood wnats wrong with wanting attention anyway? We all want it, why is the desire to have someone there for you portrayed as something "bad"?

Yes there are people who have gone through worse, but that does not invalidate your pain and experience. It is uniquely yours after all. You are strong and brave since you were able to go through all that.

Dont hesitate to post/vent here whenever you feel like it, in my opinion this site was made for that reason as well, besides searching for reliable methods.
Wishing you all the best!

 

[synthcadia]

that's an early age for your first funeral- it must have been difficult. it is unfair when life is taken before somebody is ready. I'm sorry for your losses :c

my grandma died during the covid lockdown days, so it was a livestreamed funeral. it was a strange feeling. no tears, nothing. I just felt empty.

yeah… i barely remember it though, so that's good ig. and it is unfair really. that's why i have a bad association with death (i feel like i'm bitching and moaning so sorry if i am). and thank you. <3

idk how my grandfather would've reacted to covid tbh.

and that is rough, i'm so sorry. i also had a funeral via livestream but i couldn't watch it. i was mega depressed already so i slept through it. and yeah… after a while i just felt empty. i didn't hold trust in people because i am afraid they will leave.

i am sorry for your loss.

Wanting to share your pain with other people and receive support is natural and not attention seeking. Never understood wnats wrong with wanting attention anyway? We all want it, why is the desire to have someone there for you portrayed as something "bad"?

Yes there are people who have gone through worse, but that does not invalidate your pain and experience. It is uniquely yours after all. You are strong and brave since you were able to go through all that.

Dont hesitate to post/vent here whenever you feel like it, in my opinion this site was made for that reason as well, besides searching for reliable methods.
Wishing you all the best!

mhm. it feels better than letting the pain consume me. i learned growing up that drawing attention to oneself (if it is negative) is bad. for example, i used to vent about issues online and then my parents went through my phone and that's where that came from. i don't know, really, maybe it's selfishness, ungratefulness. idk.

mhm. yeah, you're right. it doesn't invalidate my experiences. i don't feel strong or brave lol. i feel kinda like a coward. i've had exes tell me i need to face my trauma but i try and then have ptsd episodes.

thank you feder. <3 i'm mentally keeping the methods in the back of my mind… just in case.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really awful what you've been through, I see it as being such a cruel world we exist in where people suffer so much all through no fault of their own, of course everyone's suffering is valid. But anyway best wishes.

 

[synthcadia]

thanks funeral. <3 it's kinda hard because i feel like a broken person. i don't really consider myself an adult sometimes because i feel like i am still mentally a child, or want to be a child. i don't feel like i got a proper childhood…

sometimes this world is cruel. people are sick, poor, starving, under harsh laws. people in iran, where a lot of my relatives are, live under authoritarianism under the guise of islam.

but because of people like my gf, this world is a bit more bearable.

It must be really awful what you've been through, I see it as being such a cruel world we exist in where people suffer so much all through no fault of their own, of course everyone's suffering is valid. But anyway best wishes.

 

[HopefulSleep]

I hate this world so much in which children get confronted with sexual predators this is all just a nightmare I hate it.
Venting is not attention seeking btw I also think it kinda eases my pain to share with others but not much.