Venting vent kinda ig

[cu1len]

i really just do not know what to do anymore. 2022 had so many ups but so many downs. I don't know if I can handle another year. My childhood best friend died in a car crash over the summer and my anxiety in and around cars has spiked to a million. Depression has fucked over any chance I have of passing my classes. I can barely get myself out of bed and I am sick so much of the time. I don't want to die, the thought of it absolutely terrifies me, but I can't see a way for me to keep living. Nobody really needs me around and it breaks my heart. I have friends but all of them have higher priorities and that isn't a bad thing adn theyu dont have to feel at fault for it at all and i just IDK. My gpa is 1.9 and trying to keep up with my job and school is so stressful. My sexual abuser is still walking free and the people that know aren't doing shit about it and think he can be forgiven for abusing a child. My future is all of a sudden so close and so much worse than I expected it to be. I don't have a choice for my medical care rightnow and I was so close to being able to take testosterone which would have taken away so much of my dysphoria and fixed so many of my self esteem issues and the suicidal thoughts that come from dysphoria and then all of a sudden I had that choice taken away and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it right now. I want to sleep all the time. I need the world to pause for like 2 years or so. everyone i know would have someone to replace me and i hate it. i just dotn know how to be alive int he way everyone else seems to be doing so well. i want to sleep so badly. I am afraid to die but I am afraid to live. I am afraid of what comes after. Im not religious but the thought of nothingness is so stressful. I know it's all gone if it's nothing but that means everything is gone and nothing was worth me being alive. jsjdfksdflskjfkaljfsaf i just yeah

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. It sounds like you've been through a lot and it's understandable that you want friends around that will support you. I just don't know what to say sadly- because I haven't found friends to be terribly reliable either.

It's such a cliche but I sort of think- if there is even a small part of you that wants to keep living- maybe you could explore that. Bit personal I know- and don't feel obliged to answer- but are you receiving any support? Any therapy? I know it doesn't work for everyone but some people seem to have good experiences. I think- if you do decide to continue- you should look at what's available in terms of support. There's no shame in it. Whatever you decide on though, I wish you well.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds really awful what you've had to endure and it must be so tiring being trapped in that situation. It's such a cruel existence where all of this endless suffering is able to exist and of course there is simply nothing fair about any of this. But the reality is that the nothingness that death brings could never be a negative thing no matter what, as we simply won't be aware of anything at that point and to die is simply inevitable for us all, it's our fate to be forgotten about.

The thought of death brings me so much comfort as after all to die solves all of life's problems. But it must be a difficult situation to be in and it must be hard to deal with feeling unable to die yet feeling unable to live at the same time. I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.

 

[cu1len]

I'm so sorry. It sounds like you've been through a lot and it's understandable that you want friends around that will support you. I just don't know what to say sadly- because I haven't found friends to be terribly reliable either.

It's such a cliche but I sort of think- if there is even a small part of you that wants to keep living- maybe you could explore that. Bit personal I know- and don't feel obliged to answer- but are you receiving any support? Any therapy? I know it doesn't work for everyone but some people seem to have good experiences. I think- if you do decide to continue- you should look at what's available in terms of support. There's no shame in it. Whatever you decide on though, I wish you well.

I have been going to therapy for about 2 years and for a long time it was helping. However, much more recently i've just been spiraling downward and my therapist is on maternity leave and yeah. I agree with the "exploring the part of you that wants to keep living" and trying to just take care of myself by showering and doing skincare and going out with friends has definitely helped. But there's still just the fear of the future and the fear of even if I get a life that is comfortable and is what I want, what if even then i dont want to live?

 

[cu1len]

One way i've been making myself stick around is by waiting for a certain event or something that is planned. The last month and a half or so, I've been holding off on doing something bad by waiting til a christmas party my friends and I had planned but we had that today and now im home and while it was fun im just sitting here witht the thoughts that like I don't have a goal or anything stopping me right now. I could wait til the next semester starts but then I am going to have so much work again and i have hardly any money because I haven't been able to work much because of the headpains ive been getting. I want to just take a break. I want to be a kid again with no problems and i know its impossible but i just wish. Im so afraid of hurting people by ctb but i don't know how to keep living. I just want a hug and like a 3 year nap or something

 

[wait.what]

Can I ask what happened to the possibility of taking testosterone? It wasn't one of these shit state bills pretty much expressly designed to drive trans youth to ctb, was it?

 

[cu1len]

Can I ask what happened to the possibility of taking testosterone? It wasn't one of these shit state bills pretty much expressly designed to drive trans youth to ctb, was it?

my insurance doesnt cover it and im not exactly the wealthiest person. im not able to work a lot because i have chronic headaches that make it like impossible to do shit
these last few weeks have been pretty okay, the new semester started and i have a few classes with people I know now so that is exciting. im mostly just trying to hold out til spring now cuz ik the warm weather will make life a bit more manageable ig, ty guys for the hugs and everything <3