SmallKoy
Aficionado
- Jan 18, 2024
- 229
I know a lot of people find vent posts annoying so I apologize sincerely because I have a habit of venting a lot here but I find that it helps me get my head screwed on straight at least temporarily so I can get through a night or something.
I hate dealing with such intense emotions of anxiety and stress. I was doing fine for a while, I'm certainly not in as deep of a depression as I was like a month ago but I feel like I'm dipping back into it again slowly. I hate how it eats away at you until there's nothing. I just want to be normal. Feel normal. I don't want to feel so worthless all the time. I'm creative, but I feel like all my friends create far better things than I ever could at any given time. I have this problem (probably some people would not see this as a bad thing) where I shift my hyperfixations so starkly and so quickly that I feel like I can't master anything. One week I want to read, then I want to draw, then I want to learn some obscure skill and now I want to get into coding and get better at making pixel art, but I know I'll never get impressively good at anything because I can't discipline myself enough.
The 9th was my birthday (technically it could also be the 10th, my birth certificate says it's the 10th but I was always raised celebrating it on the 9th and my parents insist it was the 9th, but who knows...) and I should really have nothing at all to complain about. I received gifts, birthday wishes and money. I will say that I was raised by my mother to believe that spend money = brain happy so I have a horrible habit of spending my money. I have horrible spending guilt and I feel like I deserve nothing. Like even though it's my birthday I really don't think I should be spoiling myself or buying myself anything but I do because it gives me that dopamine hit.
I'm worried I'm going to get kicked out and be homeless at the end of my semester next year, because I have such a hard time finding a job no matter how hard I try and it's so demoralizing. My mom has threatened to kick me out once my schooling is done and she bluffs a lot but it scares me shitless. I'm so scared of having to be completely independent and survive this world. I don't want to keep progressing, I want to stop here or go back or something. I don't want to keep going.
I hate dealing with such intense emotions of anxiety and stress. I was doing fine for a while, I'm certainly not in as deep of a depression as I was like a month ago but I feel like I'm dipping back into it again slowly. I hate how it eats away at you until there's nothing. I just want to be normal. Feel normal. I don't want to feel so worthless all the time. I'm creative, but I feel like all my friends create far better things than I ever could at any given time. I have this problem (probably some people would not see this as a bad thing) where I shift my hyperfixations so starkly and so quickly that I feel like I can't master anything. One week I want to read, then I want to draw, then I want to learn some obscure skill and now I want to get into coding and get better at making pixel art, but I know I'll never get impressively good at anything because I can't discipline myself enough.
The 9th was my birthday (technically it could also be the 10th, my birth certificate says it's the 10th but I was always raised celebrating it on the 9th and my parents insist it was the 9th, but who knows...) and I should really have nothing at all to complain about. I received gifts, birthday wishes and money. I will say that I was raised by my mother to believe that spend money = brain happy so I have a horrible habit of spending my money. I have horrible spending guilt and I feel like I deserve nothing. Like even though it's my birthday I really don't think I should be spoiling myself or buying myself anything but I do because it gives me that dopamine hit.
I'm worried I'm going to get kicked out and be homeless at the end of my semester next year, because I have such a hard time finding a job no matter how hard I try and it's so demoralizing. My mom has threatened to kick me out once my schooling is done and she bluffs a lot but it scares me shitless. I'm so scared of having to be completely independent and survive this world. I don't want to keep progressing, I want to stop here or go back or something. I don't want to keep going.
