Vent I am worthless

[wasteandvoid]

Ive never felt worth anything in the eyes of anyone else Ive never felt like they werent lying. I dont want to be alive I dont like it here. Everything you come up with in your mind can never be had and when you get it whats the point. I dont care I dont see the point in doing anything I dont care if I enjoy it I dont care if I hate it, the high only lasts long enough for the hell to come back and remind me whats the point of this cycle. Constantly I am chasing whats better and better feeling for me for nothing.

 

[mortuarymary]

What gives you that high?

 

[Linda]

You may have chosen an inaccurate title. What I think you mean is "Vent: I feel I am worthless". Not the same thing at all. You really don't know what most other people think about you. I can't fix your problems, but don't make your problems worse by worrying too much about what goes on in other peoples heads. My guess is that most of them are too fixated on themselves and their own problems, to spend time evaluating you.

 

[Andrews]

As you're saying, life goes in cycles and that's so annoying. I don't know if you're interested in the spiritual side... maybe it would help to read buddhist texts. They have this concept explained and ways to transcend the problem.

 

[wasteandvoid]

What gives you that high?

Delusion honestly, I build myself into a new way of living and try to carry on and think my way though things and when it all comes crashing down it finally feels real again. Life finally feels real, but im depressed and empty in a way that I have no way to see out of other than getting caught in the next cycles of hopes and chases for something, that that will fix my life my emptiness. And its all just a masquerade because I never heal the emptiness, I only run away into my mind and think constantly and that noise drowns out the emptiness and makes me numb. I have many positive lies that scaffold me from falling too deep into the emptiness, that I somehow still believe because I cannot disprove them so I kind of brainwashed myself. Honestly I need to take a look at them and destroy them because id rather live in a painful reality than a lie.

But the high also comes from me actually getting what I want and being in situations and envionrments where I feel good, but mostly its for a sliver of time and im trying to get myself in those situations more. I really hate life its so complex and painful and there are never any ends to how much you must overcome. I dont understand what the point of it all is. I think its that there is no point, and whatever you naturally enjoy doing and want to do (not wants put into you that are ulterior motives to please introjects from society or people you know) but even at the end of this who cares. I think the ability to think about the pointlessness of whats going on all around us is a flaw. If we did not have the cognative ability we do as humans, and were animals we would be at peace much more. I hate the idea that ill never figure everything out and have closure, the solution to this would be to leave things unfinished and live your life. Well I hate this as well because then I know there are things blinding me and are going to harm me without me being aware to position myself to avoid them. Thats my rant but I hope it explains it

As you're saying, life goes in cycles and that's so annoying. I don't know if you're interested in the spiritual side... maybe it would help to read buddhist texts. They have this concept explained and ways to transcend the problem.

I might check that out thank you

You may have chosen an inaccurate title. What I think you mean is "Vent: I feel I am worthless". Not the same thing at all. You really don't know what most other people think about you. I can't fix your problems, but don't make your problems worse by worrying too much about what goes on in other peoples heads. My guess is that most of them are too fixated on themselves and their own problems, to spend time evaluating you.

I appreciate the sentiment but honestly its much more complex than that

 

[Kimlett]

Delusion honestly, I build myself into a new way of living and try to carry on and think my way though things and when it all comes crashing down it finally feels real again. Life finally feels real, but im depressed and empty in a way that I have no way to see out of other than getting caught in the next cycles of hopes and chases for something, that that will fix my life my emptiness. And its all just a masquerade because I never heal the emptiness, I only run away into my mind and think constantly and that noise drowns out the emptiness and makes me numb. I have many positive lies that scaffold me from falling too deep into the emptiness, that I somehow still believe because I cannot disprove them so I kind of brainwashed myself. Honestly I need to take a look at them and destroy them because id rather live in a painful reality than a lie.

But the high also comes from me actually getting what I want and being in situations and envionrments where I feel good, but mostly its for a sliver of time and im trying to get myself in those situations more. I really hate life its so complex and painful and there are never any ends to how much you must overcome. I dont understand what the point of it all is. I think its that there is no point, and whatever you naturally enjoy doing and want to do (not wants put into you that are ulterior motives to please introjects from society or people you know) but even at the end of this who cares. I think the ability to think about the pointlessness of whats going on all around us is a flaw. If we did not have the cognative ability we do as humans, and were animals we would be at peace much more. I hate the idea that ill never figure everything out and have closure, the solution to this would be to leave things unfinished and live your life. Well I hate this as well because then I know there are things blinding me and are going to harm me without me being aware to position myself to avoid them. Thats my rant but I hope it explains it

I'm sorry you feel like that and I'm sorry everything is so complicated. think I get it. Trying to find something to cling to, something that may allow me to improve my life and make a difference, but failing inevitably and facing the same sad, suffocating and disgustingly imperfect life. And also watching how people around you manage to thrive like it's easy for them. For me it's just like trying to lose weight... I get how death seems like the only thing that would put a real end to these stupid cycles. But one day at a time, I guess. I hope you can feel some peace soon.

 

[CTBKnight]

I definitely get it. I have been struggling with really bad ADHD to the point where doing anything feels like a chore, even things that are supposed to be fun like gaming. I haven't cultivated any talents and I have alright scores in school (because that is the path of least resistance for me). I don't hate life, but I don't love it. I am just extremely bored and kinda useless. I try to hide it from everyone, but I feel everyone knows. I wouldn't CTB because I love my family and couldn't bear the post-mortem shame with my friends. Still, I do wish sometimes that something like a random bus would run me over.