SterileMoth
Who knows man
- Jul 9, 2020
- 74
You know it's very odd feeling good. I keep doubting if I really am or not ... like I think I'm doing good, but what if that's just a mask I'm putting on even to myself? Maybe part of it has to do with how im so used to the medium highs then sudden long lows, and now the lows are ... noticable but feel more like a cut than a gaping hole. Manageable if I'm careful.
It's just so ... weird. I like life, I kind of want to cry and idk why, but I also think I like life ... it's all so hard, I keep saying I think I'm doing good, I think I like life, like I'm not really sure. Because it usually all changes, because I haven't felt the absence of depression for this long in years man ... maybe not since before depression first entered my life.
I know I've rambled on a lot ... I just think part of me still wants to die, but part of me actually likes life right now too. It all feels very conflicting, to want to be here but also want to be gone. I've been fighting with the urge to self harm for the past two weeks, I think I even dreamt about doing it, I just smoke weed when it gets too bad. One shit thing is that I bought a pack of cigarettes though, I haven't bought one in ... well at least almost a year, I bummed them occasionally but not much. I've had at least one a day so far, its mostly been social tbh, but fuck. That's another thing that confuses me, I usually only buy cigarettes when I'm stressed or depressed, but I thought I was feeling better, so why did I think about buying a pack for a week straight then impulsively buy them instead of gummies? Is this all just a disturbingly good facade?
That's another thing though, weed. Its legal here, my mom expressed concern over how much weed I smoke the other day though haha. I don't want to tell her it's part of what's gotten me through the past few months ... while someone could say that about an antidepressant, they wouldnt look at weed the same way. Admittedly I think its affected my memory a bit, but it's also kept me from freaking out on days I go stir crazy, allowed me to smile on the days I thought I couldn't, and allowed me to ground better when I got anxious. right now I smoke it several times nightly to relax, I look forward to it, and its safer than fucking coffee for christs sake. I think I'm fine. It's helping keep me going, that's all I need right now. If its keeping me going then its good and can stay for now. Maybe I'm not doing good? I don't know.
Anyways. I'm at a very weird point in my life and I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's like I'm teetering in between amazing recovery and self destruction almost. Happy with a deep sadness underneath.
It's just so ... weird. I like life, I kind of want to cry and idk why, but I also think I like life ... it's all so hard, I keep saying I think I'm doing good, I think I like life, like I'm not really sure. Because it usually all changes, because I haven't felt the absence of depression for this long in years man ... maybe not since before depression first entered my life.
I know I've rambled on a lot ... I just think part of me still wants to die, but part of me actually likes life right now too. It all feels very conflicting, to want to be here but also want to be gone. I've been fighting with the urge to self harm for the past two weeks, I think I even dreamt about doing it, I just smoke weed when it gets too bad. One shit thing is that I bought a pack of cigarettes though, I haven't bought one in ... well at least almost a year, I bummed them occasionally but not much. I've had at least one a day so far, its mostly been social tbh, but fuck. That's another thing that confuses me, I usually only buy cigarettes when I'm stressed or depressed, but I thought I was feeling better, so why did I think about buying a pack for a week straight then impulsively buy them instead of gummies? Is this all just a disturbingly good facade?
That's another thing though, weed. Its legal here, my mom expressed concern over how much weed I smoke the other day though haha. I don't want to tell her it's part of what's gotten me through the past few months ... while someone could say that about an antidepressant, they wouldnt look at weed the same way. Admittedly I think its affected my memory a bit, but it's also kept me from freaking out on days I go stir crazy, allowed me to smile on the days I thought I couldn't, and allowed me to ground better when I got anxious. right now I smoke it several times nightly to relax, I look forward to it, and its safer than fucking coffee for christs sake. I think I'm fine. It's helping keep me going, that's all I need right now. If its keeping me going then its good and can stay for now. Maybe I'm not doing good? I don't know.
Anyways. I'm at a very weird point in my life and I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's like I'm teetering in between amazing recovery and self destruction almost. Happy with a deep sadness underneath.
