(vent) gfdi feeling more suicidal than ever

[Sparr0w]

posted a bit here back in janurary then, because it was making my mental health worse, stopped (with the intention to come back to it in a bit). i tend to get depressed through the holidays and start not responding / not looking at people's messages and such, and sure enough, i was "on break" on discord for like a month and a half, oops.

but now ive had my first two weeks and a half of uni! and....

....god man i wanna kill myself so fucking bad.

self-harmed a bit which im usually good at not doing, and i just... i have to study. i can't bring myself to focus on study. im so far away from my parents and most of my friends, so if i killed myself it honestly wouldnt make too much of a difference in their day-to-day lives (not to say they wouldnt care about my death, just that they wouldnt be seeing me around anyways). i do have a few really close friends who came with me and stuff, but all my mind can focus on is my cat and most of my succulents are at home being fine without me, im sure the few succulents i did bring would be taken care of by my friends, i should kill myself.

....god fucking damnit.

my parents are drip-feeding me money (brother was given a good chunk of money and bought some stupid stuff when he was in his 1st year, so its a good call lol) so id have to wait a few weeks to get the money to buy stuff, but like... i have an SN link. whether it would get through NZ security and if i can get my hands on anti-emetics (student health is on campus so Probably) is a different question, but i could. i could just drop some money on suicide shit and just finally fucking die. and that thought is now permantly lodged in my brain.

instead of getting anti-emetics from student health, i should really be getting an HRT appointment. instead of SN, i should really ne getting therapy. but even if i went on HRT it can take up to a year or more to actually get on it, and it wouldn't magically fix my depression, and even if i got therapy it wouldnt fix global warming or capitalism or the fact ill have to work and be an Adult until i die.....


.......god i really wanna kill myself.

anyone else wanna share their woes?

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm also very tired of having to continue existing, of course the only relief could ever lie in the thought of being gone, it's very unfortunate how suicide is this difficult and how there are so many risks and secrecy involved in trying to die. This world wouldn't be as cruel if our right to die was finally accepted and we could easily exit without the struggle of doing so but anyway best wishes.